Mitchell Library, State Library of New South Wales

William Anderson Cawthorne - diary, ca. 1849-1859
B 230

[Note: Transcription made from microfilm images. Page numbering refers to the microfilmed pages]

[Page 1]

NOTE:

Occasional paper , No. 1

[Page 4]

[notes / calculations]

[Page 5]

[calculations]

[Page 6]

Great Diary! in thy leaves columns lie
The record of a Soul
Born to soar, where others fly
But ne’er to reach the goal

Ah! blasting withering thought , it saps my the mind
Blasts the aspiring shoot -
Round the heart it folds and binds
Self-hate! pale deadly fruit.

Oh! That some fostering hand would rise
And help the strong, butyet weak
Give! For/what the cursed world shrieks & dies
Licks – crawls, & squeaks reaks

Money, influence, patronage.
Without which, what is man? -
Experience educationknowledge garbage
Obtain/get them if you can. -

20 Shillings make one pound & more
It makes a nameless a man
The turning Mummer of business lore
It leads the van.

[Page 7]

Do we not see day by day
That all potent money leads the way
The scowling "no" the great man’s aye
Force is the ubiquity.

If one rise – a million fall –
Money is the only gift
Without it – tis vain to try to excel "the all"
The fulcrum the world to lift.

Poor poverty thickens wretch! go eat the husks
of paltried elements
Gruel in the mire, the [indecipherable], & mental dusk
Thy fittest cerements.

Learn that Knowledge is for the richgreat
For thee hot toil & labour
Place & power are for high estate
Kissing goes by forever

Keep school – teach A.B.C. & fools –
For ever & for ever –
Be content – books & prayers – your tools
Till death soul & body sever.

& oi "polloi"

In margin

And Thus your useful life shall close
Duly laid in cemetery
With epitaph .. here doth repose
Him who taught the A.B.C.

Thy glorious fame shall spread abroad
From drawing room to kitchen
He neither smoked nor drank nor whor’d
Ah! Alas! poor "addition"

[Page 8]

Wednesday. Currie Street. Ad. Jan 24. 1849.

Still in the land of the living & enjoying the privilege of abusing & grumbling very busy with unprofitable affairs. I expect this book will last me my life. The colony is at present being inundated with Emigrants German & English.

9/2/49. During my whole course of School mastering I don’t think I have met with a more vexatious case of leaving than one just now happened. S. Higgins 12 yrs. a boy with whom I have had more trouble than 20 others & with whom & who has been my scholar for some yrs. has left me because his younger brother says I said that "I wished he was dead."!!!! my heavens here’s a charge. - I frequently say worse things - I’ll jump down your throat, I’ll cut off your head. I’ll flay you alive etc.etc. I deny ever having said such a thing – but if I did it must rank among the others. Oh dear! - my school is very bad just now - & then to loose them in this manner. It almost drives me mad. - I like a cause, something that I can blame myself for & improve upon. but such childishness is

[Page 9]

baffles how to treat with it. Ah me!

I have been very poorly all last week – fever etc. I am still weak.

My wife will soon be confined in two months I believe. Ah! Can’t bear it. I think sometimes seriously of kicking the school out of doors. - & doing something else, I can’t bear to see Annie labouring away - talking one’s vitals out for comparatively nothing.

22/2/49. Agricultural Show day.
Exhibition of Pictures in the Mechanics’ Institute. Lecture this evening on Painting by Mr Gilfillan Professor of Painting in the Andersonian university - just returned from his lecture - rather like it – he is a free open lively communicative man - he has a great turn for the ridiculous - as well as the deepest feelings for the sublime his lecture was more "to the point" - & more finish - He is a person of shrewd observation & some of his remarks were very just.
My school is in a very low state & I am in very poor spirits - My rent has just been raised to the enormity

[Page 10]

of £65.p. an! to help me - I have been compelled to take in a poor wandering outcast who has not a sixpence & who says he is starving - thus I am saddled - I recently at the request of the Directors of the P.L. Mining Comp. drew them a large plan & a smaller one of a township - charge was to be £8, (rather large) - I have been calculating upon this amt. but alas! Nay! the designs are approved of & accepted - I am afraid I shall never get paid - that makes £12.15. that I have lost during the last 3 mos! _ _ My wants are numerous & absolutely necessary.

Pr. of White Trousers 0.8.6
for my Wife. (Greek letters) 8.0.0.
Pr of gloves 0.1.6
Due to debts 4.10.0
Waistcoat 0.7.6
£ 13.76

My tickets in the grand lottery have provided nothing two allotments nobody knows where. Thus I have lost £6-6- to this I cease not to groan night and day. - My neighbour – the well known wealthy Solomon C - had 17 tickets & all are worthless.

30/3/49. Unpropitious day! I rose up in the morning calculating how much profit I was making out of a harmless bargain that I had the temerity to make with the wish to gain a penny

[Page 11]

(Drawing of man pursuing winged gold) my Gold! my Gold! DIARY

when the servant informed me that she had been awoke in the night by a light in her room but thinking it might have proceeded from Mrs. C. who might have come into the kitchen for something she merely said "is that you Mrs C." – no voice answered but she heard foot steps go up – It has since turned out - that an audacious robber had entered the house through the parlour window – ransacked the room & was proceeding to do more when timely frightened by the girl – he stole £2.0.0 The infernal thief £2.!! much in my days!
I have prepared a reception for him should he visit again.- He’ll find more lead than silver I’ll warrant.

5/3/49. Just heard of the violent death of poor "Kennedy", leader of an Expedition sent out by the Govt of N.S.Wales to Cape York. - He & nine besides perished some by the spears of the natives & others by famine. Poor fellows! Victims to the Spirit of Enquiry – or rather to Lust! - I wish I was a poet.
School middling & pocket low – Aphorism – without money the world is nothing!
"The whole duty of Man’ - Get money. Moral – This night thy soul shall be required of thee.

[Page 12]

Mr. S. Stephens Editor of S.A. Register & ‘Ad. Ab. has declared himself insolvent!! on Tuesday (the 3d) – My old friend Fisks has married – about a week ago! With infinite inexpressible astonishment of all living. - After this my folly can be excused – I have read HuirthuirthHHuH’s [indecipherable] – was disappointed – Too much invective – no consideration – the outpouring of inveterate feelings – angry & unsoftened by the milk of human kindness.

April 12. 1849. The annual Tea & Meeting of the T.C. Sunday School – 104 scholars attended (the rest at the races) - 30 Visitors & 4 parsons – beg pardon – the Very Revd the Dean Revd. N.F. Woodcock Canon of the Bst order Revd Wilson – Canon of the 1st order – Revd E.K. Millar – my heart boiled full of ugly feelings when I heard my name taken in vain by one or two of them. I don’t know how it is - but there it is – without my having anything to do it – feel strongly tempted to get up & give ‘em a bloody nose. It is an awful species of depravity to assault our spiritual guides.
A Sunday school [indecipherable] & of course a Church of England one – was proposed by Saint Woodcock & I among others his revd carcase to boot! – were appointed to make arrangements – I shall do nothing of the sort – get a proxy – stop at home.

[Page 13]

The idea is good – but I’ll not mar its execution by private "peeks." A new newspaper is to appear next Tuesday 17th – the Editor wants me to contribute statedly both writing & sketches – he proffers pay – he prints an article of mine the first go – Shall I turn Reporter & leave Latin & Greek & Hebrew – Parsons Sunday Schools – preaching at the Gaol – saying prayers & trying to make others better out of my impurities? – Ah! I am very unsettled – I know not what to do – There are but two things I seem to be vacillating between – either I must become an out and out parson, or an out & out radical – here I am swinging up and down – on Sunday a parson – deceiving my fellow creatures – with my sanctified face & words of love - & on Monday growling savagely at the smallest fault. - now a heaven, now a hell – pshaw! I hate it one character or the other – God forgive me! Blarney I receive enough – I want intellectual help – but they won’t give it - they’ll give their prayers which are worth nothing but to help one to level them a bit – they are up to a more Ah! Havill - you have not added half enough of priestcraft yet - personal influence is a priest’s heaven – his all – his life his soul
Bah! I am cross as I think.

[Page 14]

Whenever I am cross – I take up Diary & write – it is the only place where I can vent my spleen. I am in a tarnation fix – When I reflect on the vain effort I have made ever since I began to appreciate the value of knowledge - to attain it - & the little that I have – the tea-spoonful – the lick - the nip - When I think how I have worried through poverty, drawbacks & frowns – to get [indecipherable] the thimble full I have - & now with the same spirit - that I must quietly see myself immured for life – my very scholars (one at least) surpassing one – he having the advantage of being (through my influence) placed in the collegiate school of this province – O! heaven – that so lowers on me – look down & pity! – if it be my destiny that I should grovel at my present level let me know it - & I’ll sink in the utmost depths of oblivion – but while I feel a spirit rising to sing – moaning – heaving – burning – consuming within me – while a voice whispers & points to a higher sphere of operation - O Grant the food – that to so many others surfeit with – though they be but the crumbs - How I deplore in my educational pt of view – of having ever seen a colony like this – when one theme has only as yet taken possession of the mind – getting money. God forgive me – I love money, I know - I don’t want to insult it yet I think I love knowledge better! - The blackguards with whom I have had to deal with - & who know perfectly well – that to drum, drum in a Sunday School is ill in accordance with my zeal or my inward desire. I have waited long enough – this work shall be my last – I’ll give a point blank question - & then! –

[Page 15]

I have at last got my trip to Port Lincoln printed – in a mutilated form which is subjoined.

(remainder of page printed text of his trip)

[Page 16]

April 25. Rainy weather & wearied out with scheming – I begin to think my mode of life very tame – since the commencement of the yr my school has never looked up I then lost all my advanced scholars – I have nothing now but a majority elementary which is fagging to an expense coupled with bad debts – - pirating – smuggling – Bushing – would be some relief – I don’t rise now until 8 am! a very bad sign with me – shows I have nothing to do! – yawn – shout for breakfast - & have brought me, one cup of coffee & three slices of bread & butter – eat – two – eat my breakfast alone. School then commences – then a dull dinner - a duller tea - & finish off the night by sitting solitary - & brooding over my helpless state & my incapacity to render it better – make a thousand resolutions which vanish with the daylight go to bed cast diabolical glances at my classical books – fiendish – revengeful – think every now & then of burning every one or degrading them still farther – selling them – go to bed in a nervous state about thieves – start every sound – long & look for daylight – rise & repeat as before. If this be not the means of stirring one on to daring deeds – of immolation alive – I know not what is – My feet only know the way from the bedroom to the parlour – the extent of my vision is - desks & forms & 2 mops. Good night.

[Page 17]

[typed text – 2 columns, conclusion of journal of Port Lincoln trip.]

[Page 18]

[typed text – 2 columns, commencement of journal of Port Lincoln trip]

[Page 19]

Sunday May 6 1849. Currie Street Adelaide S Australia

Having gone through the stages of infancy Boyhood Courtship - & Marriage I have now entered upon - that of the Father!! On Wednesday night May 2nd my wife was safely delivered of a very fine boy at ½ past 11 p.m. by one watch & 20’ past, by another after a severe protracted & agonising struggle of 28 hours which nearly cost both their lives of 28 hours - poor creatures! what women have to go through & yet men have children as fast as they can without a feeling for the sufferers – if anything has set me more against marriage, it is that of the recent suffering I witnessed – the child is an immense many have come merely to see it & to feel its weight – everyone is astonished – Annie will attain a species of immortality as a producer of models. The Babe is in perfect health - & the mother getting on very well – the Grandpapa & Grandmama are in raptures – so is Mr Farrell (the Dean). Only one thing I don’t like in the infant is that he has appears to have a short neck - a sign of sensuality - this is sad.

During the last 14 days I have been

[Page 20]

suffering from Lumbago. - no rest at night no rest in day – I am worn down I am in a sad state of health – nothing will relieve me - Last this week the premises of our friend Mr I. H. Pace, were broken in - & the iron safe stolen – containing 51 silver watches & 11 Gold watches!! no clue as yet been found – He is a ruined man. This is the second time he has been robbed. He has to thank himself, it is his own carelessness – I don’t know what he will do. -

June 2 (Saturday) a most miserable day Rain & hail storms – a large vessel ashore – my wife has been very ailing baby also – I poorly – got summonsed for a shameful bill – lost 6 children out of school - & to wind – By mother lost all her children in an hour – through a most scandalous report on the part of one of children’s mothers – charged Mr P. servn (he teaches several girls & boys) of having improper behaviour to one of the little girls !!!!!! Good God! There seems to be no end to struggling – Evil follows the man – He spreads ruin wherever he comes – We are all quite distracted – poor Mother nearly dead.
Whatever the crime might have been the revenge taken far exceeds –

- close the scene-

[Page 21]

Wednesday June 13. All alone – thank God took my wife down to the Bay last Saturday for her health will stay perhaps some time – In the comfortable position of inanition. The faculties getting dull & heavenly desire to turn carpenter seems to be gradually creeping over me – in opposition to being a parson – Think of being confirmed – high time I drink in something as for doctrine with me I can see no other than unconditional salvation or unconditional damnation – the Spirits of the calvinists prove this – I am writing a few thoughts against some of them – it cannot be the religion of the Bible – my very nature recoils at it, & ever did, & why? Ah! Why – it is the voice of that spark of divinity that every man more or less proves shrieking out at the horrid thought.

July 14. At last laid up – have now been 14 days confined to my bed – alas I have suffered much – It is now 10 weeks since I first began to feel poorly – dreadful rheumatics in the loins accompanied with great nervousness & depression of spirits battled it off – until I sank – sent for doctor – was cupped and bathed & became utterly prostrated at that inflammation

[Page 22]

in the kidneys succeeded - & thus I am rendered utterly incapable of standing & when I shall be enabled to stand I know not – the agonies I have endured have been dreadful – I pass such bad nights – I feel somewhat better to-day in my pains & I hope in another week to walk as far as the parlour – grant it! This has been a severe affliction – I hope it is to my good. alas! - School very bad. On the 4th of the month paid my last instalment upon my land – so that now I am really a landowner in town 42 by 210. The land is of more value now than when I bought it, at least £1 a foot more – it has been a pinching struggle – but it is over -

A few pages back it is mentioned that I was robbed of £2 in the night by some one getting into the house – We have since found the most conclusive circumstantial evidence that our servant was the thief – she has recently been suspected of stealing £5 from one of her companions.

My friend the very Rev the Dean Farrell made me a present of ½ doz. of best Port! – both he and his lady are very kind visited me commiserated & so forth – do anything I find plenty of friends – all the Sunday school teachers. Jews and gentiles –

[Page 23]

Ill very ill – from July to August.

July 21. Still confined to my bed & room – still in pain, & cant sleep at nights owing to my agonies – on the whole I am considerably better – though this improvement is very very slow Yesterday & the day before I managed to rise up & stood a few minutes slinging myself by my hands as of course I am perfectly unable to stand alone. I imagine by this day week to be strong enough to walk the length of the room either on crutches or similar support – alas! alas! – but I must not repine I might have been worse.

Sept 8th. I am better – Praise be to Him in whose hands are the issues of life from standing I have managed to walk round the table – then round the furniture then on two with sticks – then as far as the parlour – kitchen – in the yard – cross the road & lastly I go down to the Bay. There stayed a fortnight - greatly [indecipherable] in my bodily health but still only able to hobble about with one stick – at the present moment go with one stick – unable to turn in my bed without great pain – can’t wash myself but with one hand & etc etc. Hope for the best yet.

[Page 24]

Sept 28. Improving – this is the first day that I have ventured round about the house (no further) without a stick – still unable to stoop – lift – turn in bed, or wash myself. What an awful contraction of the muscles I have had may I soon be better. Tomorrow I am going to be Confirmed. - by the Bishop. My school very bad – So many leaving must turn Bushman I suppose – and my wife a washerwoman.
Europe seems to be in a queer state. The Pope banished & Rome nearly taken & France on the brink of another revolution. England is quite – The Queen has been shot at again by some insane wretch fond of notoriety – The Irish rebels are to be transported.

Oct. 14. Sunday morning – near 1 o’clock. Did not go to church to day – rainy & unpleasant – feel somewhat better in my Rheumatism. When I am to be thoroughly well, I know not – Patience , the only cure. My wife pretty well, my boy very well – last Wednesday had my child christened – Godfathers the Very Revd the Dean – & self – Godmother, my mother – been out in the evenings once or twice to the Committees. – Began a letter to my Uncle C. to whom I have not written for these yrs – I think two or three or heard of, for the same period – The ‘Sultana’ has been wrecked with all the Institute’s new books on board – this is a sad loss to our society.

[Page 25]

- A prayer -

Sunday night. Oct 14 1849

I
I bow before they sacred name
Incline thine ear to me
Inspire, with an hallow’d flame
A heart that burns for Thee
II
On Seraphs’ wings I’d fain be borne
Up to Jehovah’s throne
And there in the bright effulgent morn
I'l, to my Father’s Home.
III
Deep, far! I scan/pierce the Azure’s blue
Rob’d in pure crystal white
Rapturous glories burst to view
And I yearn the hour of flight
IV
God of the Storm! God of the deep sea
And of Power! and Love!
My desolate soul looks to Thee
O! help me from above.
V
An heir of sin, an heir of shame
Conceiv’d in wickedness
Stamped on the brow & cursed like Cain
An heir of wretchedness.
VI
Abba! Father! My God! my All
The food of worms – dust to dust
Self abased before Thee I prostrate fall
O Take me to thy breastrest.

[Page 26]

Nov 10 1849. Still suffering from rheumatism – it leaves or rather every now & then gives such queer sensations over the brain & feelings – I am of course a King to what I was – but still I am far from being recovered – Alive! – Wife & baby at the Bay. Chewing the cud of reflection – thinking how many of my years have already gone away without good – without any attainment! without any position of importance – with a longing aching desire to be in some responsible position where I could exercise my faculties - or those which I have such a longing desire to perform – to spread the balm of consolation over wounded spirits – to raise the drooping spirits of the afflicted & to drop the tear of sympathy with the sorrowful – but alas! it is in desire only. I have no one to help me forward – I long for deeds! & yet perhaps I am the most unfilled individual – Oh! who knows! Must wait Gods time – another regret I have - is that I know so little – have been so badly educated & am now compelled to thrash away at do – das - dedi – datum – dare - in triplo - triplies etc. I have occasionally the strongest revulsions of feeling against all that I am doing – & resolve to dash at something else – the Sea – anything. Was requested to attend out in the country the opening of a new schoolroom – to make a speech &c. did so – got wet – slept in a public house which at 1 & 2 am turned itself into hell - by fighting etc. had to walk all the way back – very cross with the Ch. party – they have no gratitude.

[Page 27]

Soliloquy of a/on a Printing press
Change of Fortune (it was seized for debt -
(a few Months back)
1849.
O, ye Gods & little Fishes
Sighed a Monster great
In the room of Bentham Neales’s* *Auctioneer
See my typey state!
II
Who’d a’ thought it – iron frame like mine
Dissected, piecemeal lying
Vox populi’s unnerving chime
Would be "up" who’s "buying"
III
A printing press! Why press so hard?
Ne’er in libel dealing
New as the "raws" we have’m tarred
Then a little ‘pealing!
IV
‘Mine’ in my [indecipherable] alone I look
Her "Ryan" nothing caring
I spread em flat, they frowned a look
Show’d me from clue to earing*
V
For ‘shares’ & ‘scrip’, new I’m "potted"
A "grocer" insult ne’er
A similar type – for being "swapped"
Was done within God’s fear
VI
(Bad )

[in the right margin] The seizure was a complicated affair by a religious [indecipherable] few shares in a mine &c

Nine libel actions alone against this paper.

[Page 28]

Birthday 25

Nov. 18. 1849. Opens the record of trash – to minute the substance of nothing – to perpetuate the evanescence. Went to the Bay yesterday on the Dean’s ferry – Blowy weather with heavy squalls of rain & wind – Schools don't pay - just exist – all agog about going to sea across the gulf – [indecipherable] – when a small craft of our own to take shepherds – provisions, stores &c & bring back wool & passengers – can get news that way – but do not know what to do – am tossed about upon the waves of uncertainty. I wish some heavenly vision would tell me what to do – God grant it –
Amen
Nov 23. 1849 Currie Street Adelaide, S. Australia. My Birthday! 25 yrs old! Shall I see another? What changes – a father since my last – What next – God knows – Have had a severe attack of illness from which I am not yet thoroughly recovered – Have tried yea. ardently to improve myself – but have lamentably failed – all things are against me – Another year has rolled over my S. School labours - but am I the much more improved? Have had stray inclinations to join the ministry – but have had no help from any one – though expected at the same time & informed likewise that I am expected to become one – Deo Volendete have taken a steam trip – the first in my life. The spirit still soaring yet bound down to the grovelling earthly realities.
Help Lord or I perish! -

[Page 29]

Dec. 14 1849 I have omitted mentioning the great rage for the gold diggings in California. – now only about 1 yr or 1½ yr old Thousands from America (all parts) England & the colonies have emigrated there – it is one vast deposit of gold dust – The most wonderful tales are told about it – ships go there - & all hands start off to the diggings & leave the ship to rot in the waters – This upwards of a dozen have been so served at once. – a whole regiment of soldiers who went to preserve order- decamped likewise – Lynch law is the only law – murder – strife & theft are all rife – Mexicans – Yankees Spaniards Indians & almost every other natn’s are there – 2 or three vessels are now upon the eve of sailing to that place from this – great talk about going – revolving pistols – arms, bowies &c they go in bands – for mutual protection If I were better, I should go –
alas!-
Mr Farrell has just offered the use of the S. School to me under certain conditions.

Sabbath – Halting between two opinions. If the Lord be God then follow Him & C –

The week coming a great week – for me – School Examint & holidays. Bid adieu this afternoon to a fellow teacher after expiration of 6 yrs. –

[Page 30]

Is not the enjoyment of Self the true cabalistic number – the unity in which all knowledge resolves itself – into? –
Rather in a fidget – having been undesignedly the cause of the Bishop’s resignation of his office of Presidence of the Bible Society – Wait anxiously for the Tuesday’s night’s Com. Meeting. Bother this thing – I am "quite up" to battle the point – by his precipitary he has overdone the thing. – our worthy friend Mr Rice was last Sunday burnt out of his home like an oppossum – lost nothing fortunately- but hurt his foot by stepping on a rake. –

Sunday Dec 23. have been (as usual) preaching at the gaol – 70 prisoners – 6 children 1 Turnkey-attendant – I don’t like it – I feel unworthy the post – don’t know enough God be merciful to me a sinner – it is rash presumption in me to speak to my fellow sinners – God forgive me –

Mrs C & baby at the Bay for a fortnight going in the country for a few days – Had my Examination on the 21st middling – The North Adelaide Church was opened last Thursday great crowd – puseyitic services – grand tuck out afterwards – first heaven then earth – Manna - & roast beef Waters of life - & grog – pshaw!

[Page 31]

Thursday Jany 13 1850. Another year! – without God’s fear – yea another year – It has come me like a thief in a night – what has been my history during the past 12 mos. – have become a father – have had nearly 9 mos illness – on the brink of the grave – have had to look into it – & have shuddered – unworthy me! It has given me a great shake it has thoroughly frightened me – I lived before as if I were immortal – but now every thing not customary affects me - hear even bad music – I now see how vain is life what a shadow – what grass – flower of the field. – May God grant a perfect recovery & a more resigned spirit – a less mental fear. – Have studied very little – have been much disappointed in the endeavour to acquire knowledge – the fates are against me – men & things are against me circumstances are against me – Money is against me – I have sincerely endeavoured to become connected with the ministry – but there are so many obstacles – the lukewarmness of my patron – the Dean – he, not from any want of sincerity in the matter – but from a want of native energy – allows things to go on and on - & never once steps forward with a helping hand – though while all the time he expects me to offer myself ultimately - - - - - - - Have asked today what are the subjects that candidates for deaconships are

[Page 32]

questioned in – am frightened by the variety & quantity – must give all up all thoughts unless I can go to an university – I’ll give £150 – the produce of my town land – if they’ll put down the same sum – pound for pound – if not – no go.

Started last Christmas to Encounter Bay 60 or 70 miles to the S. had to bush it one night – was away 4 days & took 8 sketches – dismal ride in parts sandy was disappointed in the Bay – no shipping plan – loads of people starting for the Gold country California a daily paper has been started here – as well as a new Gold Company.

Jan 28 1850 Currie Street Adelaide, S. Australia. Monday night. Raining – but hot – frightening – wind; - travelled yesterday 47 mils – in [indecipherable] nothing under 100 & 120 ° amidst huge hills & broken roads. – a road that has been fatal to many the Mt Barker – named after Capt Barker who was speared by the natives – Went to visit a grave of a Mr Morely who was recently drowned at midnight in the Onkaparinga River. -
Nuisances in S. Australia – the blow fly – which will frequently while you are eating blow live maggots on your food – even cheese – milk – butter & all meat etc. The stinging fly – will bite the eye – cheek & lip - & make a swelling as large as an apple – cannot see for several days

[Page 33]

disfigures the face fearfully – inflamed eyes – they become scarlet – itch - stiff – dry – painful - & time the only cure.
Sunday Feby 10th Warm – hot – heard the Bishop preach this morning - & the Dean in the evening – ought to have good from such high dignitaries – There is hardly a single eloquent preacher in the whole mob – The Bishop preaches a sound and common sense sermon neat & correct – but no brilliancy – a feeling of having been satisfied – but no feeling of having been elevated – or humbled in a way – worked upon – the Dean preaches – highly logical – but neither address – no force. Too parenthetical – with propriety – but cold and formal – little or no effect – Revd Mr Woodcock preaches the most effective – appeals to the feelings works upon the heart, but nearly spoils all – by being too lengthy – Revd Wilson – common – shocking delivery – good enough for a college man – Rev Mr Alcorn – a degree higher, - somewhat meagre but neat ideas. Revd Combes, plain & sensible – Revd Mr Newhenam – severe – pusey – harsh delivery – right in the main little or no effect – address spoils all – The Archdeacon – precise somewhat – but dull – a mumbly effect, poor man.

[Page 34]

Revd Mr Bagshaw – melancholy, but plaintive attracts – yet gently – peculiar delivery - Revd Mr Pollitt – very fluent – tolerably effective – weak in general arrangement excels all as a extempore preacher – Revd Mr Burnett – don’t know – Revd Mr Miller – don’t know – sends every body to sleep Revd Mr Watson just came – nice preacher.
In the whole lot - of them – very little original thought – very little of startling appeal of irresistible language – of richness – variation & depth – it just the scrapings of the mind – very little pith – or sublimity – or pathetic –

O God! do thou inspire
My lips with hallow sacred fire -
Let burning words proceed –
With heav’nly manna feed –
My soaring soul
May my heart warmly glow
May inspiration flow
Expanding, wider, grow –
For heav’n, & earth below –
My only goal
May sorrow’s drooping eye –
Affliction’s weary sigh
May guilt’s abasing thought
With compassion fraught –
My heart expand –
What He felt – may I feel
The widow’s mite’s appeal –

[Page 35]

Another time – nearly got thrown yesterday & run over – narrow escape – My friend the Deaness – bothering me about taking the S. school room for a school. ditto: the Dean but like all Irish – can’t get them to an agreement – the last thing they’ll come to – won’t go unless one is made – the Dean wants me to write to the Bishop respecting ordination but am I fit? – who asks that? - no one has any doubt about the matter but myself. Went last Sunday with the Dean to Kensington Chapel Church – he remarked to me – you’ll know this sermon by heart – I said it was not the worse for repeating – went into the Bishop’s house –
Agricultural Show Day yesterday – very fine good [indecipherable] – grand dinner afterwards – singing from Nobis Domine - & got jolly drunk –

Mar 16 1850 Saturday. Have been to the Bay where my wife & child are – Wife got the peculiar blessing of this colony bad eyes – Was grossly insulted last night in the supreme court, got nearly committed for contempt of Court had not the judge known me – I might have been this night in jail – where I occasionally preach -

[Page 36]

I have stirred in the matter. Weighing the relative advantages of borrowing money to build a home or build a small vessel cross the gulf backwards & forwards. Hardly know what to do – I should have better health – no servants wages to pay – very little rent – very little clothing – but it would be certainly a fearful "coming down". I should have to work hard – While I at one time seriously think of at once entering the ministry I at another time think of being sailor – at one time forsaking all - & following Him - and another time – gloating over possible receipts – such is human nature – God forgive it – but there is one little extenuation to be tried – I have put myself this question - Were a thousand pounds to be given to me – should I feel as warm in joining the Ministry as I am now? (poor & forlorn) – I was astonished to find that my feelings seemed to say ‘no’. I am shocked at it – I am sorry – but we know not what we are unless tempted.

Monday Apr 1 1850 Just been called upon to lament the untimely death of a very interesting young person – a teacher of our school – Miss Stevens – who suddenly departed this life yesterday morning at the age of 17. Attended her funeral with the rest of the teachers – everyone greatly concerned was only thirteen days ill – typhus fever. – Whose turn may it be next? Death seems to nudge us in the elbow – if I am next may I meet it in a joyful entrance to another & better life.

[Page 37]

April 14, 1850 To morrow (D.V.) I remove my school into the T.C. S School room – which has been lent to me for one year - which no doubt will lead to many more. May the smile of Him rest upon my future labours –

Attended the S. School as usual – 100 children present – 14 teachers – addressed them from Luke XVIII. Have just written a small pamphlet upon the character of the "Teacher" - & have given the same to the Dean to peruse –
April 28. Preached at the Gaol – 50 prisoners & 2 turnkeys present – a rough lot but behaved very well quiet as mice. – It is arranged that I should go every other Sunday – but I don’t like it after all. I find that I occupy a false position - which I detest & makes me uneasy - & I am afraid however desirous I may be – I should not be ordained because the potent reason exists that I can neither read nor write Latin nor greek – although no one has ever tried harder to secure both, I am in a very anomalous position – I wish I was out of it – one way or the other - Mr Farrell – talks about going home I intend all wells to commence building a house for myself - next week – on my piece of land –

[Page 38]

May 12. Still unwell with Rheumatism or some "ism" – it seems to go away at the rate of a millionth part of a pain per month - - and as the original stock of agony was a little above a few millions – I have some definite calculation to go upon as to the ultimate or last pain it departs with severe colds in the head & nervous feelings & irritations of an indescribable sort – fear being predominant.
Wife & child – well –
Mother & Father – tolerable
the world - - middling
Great event of the day. – is my having actually – really – absolutely – certainly – legally – without error or delay – commenced building a HOUSE! on my OWN property. 29ft 4 by 31.4 thus

[drawing of floor plan of near-square house, top indicated as: street]

In right margin 6 rooms
brick frontage
stone & brick corns

& in the following manner –
by 4 Building Society’s Shares –
by a little debt –
by a little money that I must manage to scrape together. – The whole affair

[Page 39]

will cost me something above £200!!! Thus at the age of 25. I may be seized of or possessed as the lawyers say – of a House & garden freehold property - The school has done something then! – no! and in this instance – for I build on this principle – the same rent that I pay to a landlord - £1-4 s per week – enables me, if paid to a Building Society to realize a property sum that will nearly build me a house - & in the course of 4 years (3 yrs from now) – to pay it back again & to have a freehold property - rent I must pay – to somebody or another & if I pay it to a B.S. I possess knowledge of having a house of my own in a few yrs –

Sad event – a small cutter 13 tons with 10 men in her – was lost last week & all hands – in crossing the gulf – one passenger I knew well – poor fellows – the "Ian Flaxman"

[Page 40]

What is man – aye? What is man – puny insignificant – disgusting – contemptible – Thou, who gaveth him breath in his nostrils could with thine hand dash his whole [indecipherable] with all its absurdities – follies – & wickedness – into an everlasting oblivion – what is he that he should be cared for - perverse - & headstrong he leads a life – of hypocrisy, of a vain & lying endeavour to do what he has neither strength nor desire to effect – Hell stands before him & he crouches with fear – Heaven opens her gates – & he refuses to enter – God invites him & he spurns the offer – the Devil entices him, & he cries for help – Aye what is man? a little lower than the angels – see him as he takes the compasses & measures time & eternity – he looks aloft & [indecipherable] – the density – the atmosphere the appearance the scenery – the size makes shape – & weight of world flowing in unknown distances – he stretches forth his finger & probes the earth – with his hand he imprisons the waters & hurls – the mighty wave afar – the elements are his abject slaves & pour at his feet the wealth of creation – Aye! what is man he is a devil, he is a God – he is everything he is nothing – he is the purest aspiration save that of angelic beings - & he is the receptacle of infernality. – Aye what is man?

[Page 41]

Sunday May 19. 1850. To the Jail – Present 54 prisoners - 2 turnkeys & 5 children - being Sunday in assize week – many were in chains & curious did it sound – as they went clanking clanking up the long stairs - & as they rose during the different parts of the service. As a sort of "church service-" the turnkey took down two pistols loaded & put them in his pocket to be used if required! This is the first time of my preaching an extempore sermon – what I said I know not – I must give it up it is sacrilegious – God forgive me –

Saturday May 25 Have had all my hopes all my fears & all my passions awakened. The governor is going to appoint an inspector of Schools at a salary of £300! O! good gracious think if I could gain such an appointment – what ecstatic state I should be brought to nothing less than a strait jacket would contain me – prayers - psalms – blessings charity – alms – smiles – would be my only occupation for days to come, but this is all nonsense – I have no more chance than a blackfellow – though I have friends, who with their little fingers could turn the scale in my favour, but who wont – confound them – but it is a painful subject to think upon – I have no friends, I am nobody – kissing goes by favor - & were it not that I have committed myself in taking T.C.Sunday

[Page 42]

Inspectorship

school room – I would have done with them – once & for all – the appointment is in their hands but I cant get them to move – Mr Y__ says he ought not be a schoolmaster – the Bishop says whatever Mr J says - & Dr Duncan says ditto - & the judge says ditto: & so on – pah! as I told him – it will be sure to given to some plurality. I have been trying to see the Advocate General & am to see him on Tuesday at noon God grant that I may make the beggar sensible that in appointing ME he would appoint the wisest best – most energetic - discreet – experienced – acute etc etc – that can be found in His Majesty’s dominions - of course this all mere blarney on my part – I have not the most distant hopes for such a beatific event – should I live my course is marked out – it lies amidst difficulties – & little profits – be it so I shut my mouth – but in looking at it merely as a human affair – as a scramble for who shall get it – I cant help but feeling violent as I think o’er it – I am aware that I have no claims on Government – I am a nobody – with neither sense nor education – & yet - & O! most horrid thought – an infernal – if I may so say – a never ending burning for knowledge an unsatisfied desire, an upward soaring – a gluttonous, gormandizing voraciousness – Oh! that I had this situation! – happy mortal - it is awful temptation to do something rash – to kill the Govr or the Board of Education –

[Page 43]

Thursday May 30 – I have am up & doing I have round to all the schools or nearly so in Adelaide – to get them to sign a paper in my favor – I have succeeded almost beyond my expectations – but I want nobs to sign it - & there I shall fail I am afraid – Mr Farrell says "I have You have not a shadow of a chance" – kind – & finishes up with "O! if I had known you were desirous for it "I should have done my best for you" – Irish blarney – I owe him a grudge for that – from those I expected most I get least – scarce a single churchman signed for me only the dissenters!

Thursday June 6. The Legislature [indeciperable] council have apptd a com: of enquiry as to the working of the Ed: Act to take evidence of upon the matter & have passed the vote for £300. for salary – O! shall I get it! I have no chance no friends – It is going to be given to some Govt favourite – I had to attend & to give evidence.

Saturday June 22 Arrived last night from a visit to the kindred of Willunga - under sanction of the [indecipherable] of the Bible Society - visited 108 settlers & stations – established a branch Society & formed 3 depots & rode 150 miles – [indecipherable] three days horrid roads – hospitable people – very busy finishing sowing –

[Page 44]

June 30. This day is the anniversary of my said illness – although it is quite 15 mos since the first feelings & I am not better well yet! libera nos Domine – Yesterday I saw much to my surprise Mr G.F. Angas - the artist who was here about 6 yrs ago, & has illustrated Australia – New Zealand & the Cape, he is married – he did know me – I think of renewing our friendship although we did not separate friends. He is clever but vain & superficial (See Diaries of former yrs.)

Today ½ Yearly Examination of T.C.S. school – 100 children & visitors etc.

My house nearly finished
Cost £230
More than flesh can bear ---------------------------
No news about the Inspectorship.

From Feby 4 1850

Life’s weary liberty
The soul’s sublimity
In death’s darkening eye
Scanning eternity.
My bosom swells
The agonising shriek
Of helpless orphancy
The widow’s silent tear

(extended in right margin)
And the repentant’s fear
A potent spell.

[Page 45]

July 7. Another page in the history of life – The Inspectorship – of which I thought so much has taken a nap – I have not the least hopes – I cannot but deeply feel the unfriendly act of Mr Farrell the Dean – towards me – with his assistance I should have had it but he never thought of me he says - so much for friendship – I’ll tell him of this one day -- This last week has been distinguished for several deaths - & of those well acquainted with me. About 15 days ago – one of them now no more was in my house chatting & talking in the most lively manner – he is now dead buried in the silent grave – The affliction, or its cognate – that nearly killed me this time last yr. has slain him – Rheumatic gout or fever & so on with others – It was Robinson.
News of the Church - Attended a very full committee meeting of the Church Society, endowment row – got no funds & disputing about their application – C of Eng. S.S. Inst has changed Sectys – from Revd T.P.R. Allen to Revd – Watson & Mr W.A. Cawthorne - quarterly meeting on the 18th –
ditto: The World - all very jolly – money 15 per cent – much say about free institutions no taxation without representation – Anti dray & Land lay meetings – spouting as [indecipherable] about it. The Govr well – New Judge (Crawford) just arrived

[Page 46]

Mec. Inst. well - & kicking – newspapers sowing & W.A. Cawthorne intending to bring out a slap up Quarterly Educational Journal – Building all the rage - & Building Societies –
ditto: of the Devil – somewhat forward in Mining schemes – stealing & knocking down people – persuading people that they are slaves - & that they want federal Govts & unlicensed sway over the Land Fund is inspiring a few religious with a seasoning of hate to give a savoury smack to their compounds particularly alluring W.A.C. with the glitter of a shilling –
do: of [indecipherable] – Great members’ concert of 80 roarers in aid of the German Hospital. – of Masonic & Odd fellow’s humbug – walks - &c - of a public [indecipherable] to the judges –
do: of Vanities – Women wearing Men’s jackets & called polkas - & strutting about accordingly- you hardly know a woman from a man now - smiles
do: of lusts – marrying at an awful rate - & begetting even without marriage as it just happened with a very respectable party – sad affair – W_s – fearfully numerous – crowds – so many young girls from England have turned [indecipherable].
do: of war – great row between England - & Greece – war talked about – so much the better – more production for those who live.

[Page 47]

Extract from newspaper with health, death and population figures.

Right margin
Judge Cooper Dean Farrell Revd Howe Ad: Gen Smillie Dr Duncan – The Ed Board –

Left margin
Note – The Board of Ed – refused to perform any than that stated in the Extract – because general powers were not conferred on them by the act – a mere oversight.

[Page 48]

Sunday Aug. 4 1850. In my new house – moved in Friday August 2nd - on my ground - all is "my" on one property. In a sad plight about paying it – Building Society’s shares fetched £26 last week for £60. In a great agitation about a row with the Revd the Dean. He and I have had a shindy - & I have for the present left the S. School that school in which I have laboured now very nearly 7 yrs! – my wife 2 yrs & my mother 5 yrs If they choose to treat me in this manner they may stand the consequences – which will be nothing less than the downfall of the school but we shall see if they’ll come to my terms –

Thursday July Aug 8. I like my new house very much – but have plenty to pay. £83 yet – & next to nothing to meet it. Greatly worried on this a/c. The Inspectorship of Schools is going to be given to Dr Myall - so much for favoritism. I was at the Advocate General’s this week about the matter – he is my only friend – if it rested with him I should be sure of the appointment – alas & alas! –

[Page 49]

Extract from newspaper re The Education Board

[Page 50]

July Aug 14. A new paper has just been started – I have undertaken the educational department – for the remuneration of two copies weekly & one small advertisement (standing) gratis – When my composition becomes better – I’ll demand more – it is called – "The Australian Standard"-

I am sorry to report that the matter of differences in the S. School are not yet settled It is a great shame – I have the sympathy of every one who knows the facts of the case. – I have now put it in such a shape – that either Mr Farrell or I must succumb – I wont he must - or lose my services – which will all but tantamount to shutting up the school. So much for Christian love.

Saturday Aug 17 The great of religious controversy of the day is that of the Bishop of Exeter & Mr Gorham. about regeneration – The Bishop has lost it - & has cost him £13,000. – enough to pay for one’s opinion. It is shaking the very foundations of the Church – Archbishop against Bishop & clergy against both – some one way & some another way – even here it is beginning to be discussed – How absurd to contend about what is perfectly doubtful – Scripture is silent & leave the matter in each man’s own opinion - & as to the fathers they were only as we are – only two eyes – one head – one testament.

[Page 51]

murder - Inland Exploration

Mon Tuesday Augt 20 A man who committed a horrible murder on Skillogarden creek is to be hung on Sept 5.- A second judge had been recently appointed – a Mr Crawford Judge Cooper our old ‘un – is almost worn out – nevertheless – he is very generally liked. Tonight the usual quarterly conversazione of the Institute (Mechanic) takes place –

Augt 22 Wrote an article in the papers about inland exploration – suggested a company to be started on shares – 400 at £5. – The Govr - & Council to reward if successful the undertaker with £4000. – if partially so £2000. – The same that has been offered to the navigation of the Murray.

Augt 31. – I am just about beginning a lecture on Education – to be deld at the Mechanics Institute. – for the very disinterested purpose of obtaining notoriety – of obtaining a chance for the Inspectorship – sub inspectorship or clerkship to the Board of Education (private thoughts) – Should I obtain the Inspectorship of Schools I feel I should occupy a false position – I am not qualified for such a part – i.e.

[Page 52]

educationally – I know nothing – neither Latin nor Greek – German or French – History or mathematics – only a very little of each – is it not wrong therefore to aspire to that which I am not competent to undertake – in these respects – I – In zeal – in untiring energy – in enthusiasm – in strictly doing my duty – in these qualities I yield to none – I defy any one – but I am afraid this is not what is required – but this I am determined That were I to be transcendentally lucky I would immediately study – 8 hrs a day those very branches I am deficient in.

Sept 4 1850 Tomorrow morning at 8am Yates the murderer is to be hung. – 10 hrs more & his soul will be before his God - - & will stand face to face with his maker -
The Lord have mercy upon his soul. It is a solemn thought. – though we are all under sentence of death, with a pardon of uncertainty of

death life

I am busy writing a lecture on Ed. For the Mec. Inst.

[Page 53]

Sept 15. 1850 have been to the S. School for the whole day since July 22. for first time, not over good friends with the Dean – never shall be – must endeavour to get somebody else as Secy for them – having once been snubbed I cannot feel otherwise than "unsatisfied" – my character is onward – progress - & to be stationary is terrible – I cant do it – I am false to myself - & if I cant do it without nonsense – without suspicion - I must leave – I do not wish to force myself upon anyone – I am too proud for that – rather they must come to me.
I have mortgaged my property for £200. for 3 yrs at 15 per cent .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Sept 21. Been to the Port – last night was to have deld a lecture upon "Ed: its importance & present state in S. Australia" – the getting up of which has cost me some time and attention – went & found 12 people-!!! – no one seems to have read the advertisements nor put to the [indecipherable] - - deferred for a week – I don’t think I shall delr – it now – but get it printed. – In a transferring of [indecipherable] I have been swindled to the tune of £4-4. I am in a rage.

Building S’s shares are fetching 25£ premium for a £ 60 share –

[Page 54]

[Note at top of page] Oct 29 death of Mrs Duncan

I
Ah! Weary life – my soul declines
As she gazes tremulously
And longs yet fears her advent time
That reveals eternity
II
Now crawling beneath gold’s power
Now yearning for wealth’s degree
Now craving spiritual dower
Then sighs for liberty
III
Ah! What is man? – mist! – a flower!
A worm, & yet a God –
Right margin
- Before heav’n he’ll darkly cower
Yet defy his Lord.
Sunday – Sept 29. 1850. The most important as well as shocking event of the past week is the sudden death of a Mrs Duncan. – an MD’s wife – While riding and with the Judge – Dean & wife Jasper – the horse strayed or [indecipherable] and she sprang off – fractured her skull & never spoke afterwards. This was a Sunday afternoon & she is now dead & buried. – last Sunday she was in Church & heard a sermon on death – the man said "It may be a funeral sermon to some" – alas! How true. – Mrs Duncan – the young – the buoyant – the healthy – the best rider – was a corpse before 10 hours after –
- Eheu. –
We had a funeral service this morning for Mrs Murdoch. – How contrary is life – how paradoxical - Hear the

[Page 55]

[Notes at top of page] death of Mr Bickford. new constitution. Inspectorship. death Sir R. Peel assault on the queen – Lecture - R White.

scripture – like – a mist – flower – vapour etc look at man – his calculations for future far extended – look at the fixity of life. The substantiality of houses – the greatness of schemes – etc - & so on. –
An old friend of mine week before last was suddenly dra taken away – Mr Bickford – chemist – in three days – quick work in this climate – well – ill & dead.-

Saturday night – warm close – an Australian day – The country all agog about our new Constitution – which means every man to have his own way – this is a great hindrance to my scheme of getting the Inspectorship of Schools – for the present council will not meet again for any practical purpose. – -
The Great Sir R. Peel is dead – died from a fall off his horse. –
alas Sir Robert! Thou wert great.
The Queen has again been assaulted – a lieutenant in one of the Regiments gave her a blow across her face with a stick – the fellow ought to be hung –

My lecture is in the hands of an Editor of one of the papers. –
My school is very middling lost 5 boys & 20 girls & one of my oldest scholars R.R. White. – 7 yrs with me –

[Page 56]

[Note at top of page]
[Abstract
Oct 13 Storm England S. School]

O! for French – German & Greek & Latin – I know nothing – I am miserable I want to soar but I am obliged to crawl I know the disease, but I cannot get the remedy.

Sunday Oct 13. Blowing strong with rain – fine in the early morning, strong wind with dust then lightning then rain – the phenomena of an Australian day.-
Think of going to England getting £200 hook or by crook & spending the sum in 18 mos on a continental trip. – writing a work on the colony & realizing £500 paying all expenses with £200 to boot & returning home a richer & a wiser man. Slim a prospect! – But might as well indulge in a castle in the air as not – the indulgence will not advance me a penny farthing or retard me.

Before I die I think I may be permitted to see the falls of Niagara as well as the dome of St Pauls – St Sophia & Terra del Fuego. – But before I do this I must be clear of all encumbrances - on my property. - & that’ll require 4 yrs more!!

S. School as usual 109 present The Dean out for the Day
- Guilford preached. – good.-

[Page 57]

[Note at top of page] Oct 20 Loss of Grecian – east of cape – Pace. New constitution – Govr new Sch room – schools

Oct 20 1850
During the last heavy rain the vessel "Grecian" went ashore & became a wreck unlucky me – I have a case of Books on Board, not exactly mine but of a Society’s the S.S. Union's – value £40-0-0 – the books much in request – has involved a great deal of bother, & I don’t know whether they are insured – the mail bag (one) is lost – Mr Pace – an old friend has turned insolvent. – with a little bit of poetry in the matter – on the anniversary of his landing in the Colony 2 yrs ago. – He commenced with little & got much – but through imprudence & some degree of misfortune he has beggared himself. - & family – The new constitution Bill has just arrived & printed – though not officially – expected every Day. – has passed the upper house – The Govr is still at the Murray he is recalled – (rumoured) going to Pt Phillip - & Grey from New Zealand to Canada - & other changes - nearly finished my new Girls school room 20 ft X 11 ft – inside in the clear built of concrete - @ 20/- per yard. They find everything – a lean to - & the payment of which just finishes me and of every fraction of the £ 200 I borrowed.-

Oct 24 1850 Schools are springing up on all sides – Schools for spirituality – morality – collegigality - flummery & trumpery – the old schools suffer [indecipherable] severe pains in the pocket

[Page 58]

[Note at top of page]
Bible Society - Angas - Lancelot – discovery of Coal. Adverse destiny. –

with violent symptoms in Bills – with a fearful abscess of a growing debt –
The Bible Society held its annual meeting on Monday 21st Judge in the Chair crack speech – Mr G. Elder – foul speech Mr N. Giles – Went last night to Mr Angas – at his request – as usual was not at home – had gone into the country, this dirty fellow – he is as mean as he is despicably proud. – I was to have gone with him, but he gave me the go bye – on purpose. Were he not contemptible in my eyes – I would resent it.--- I would lick the fellow – My case of Books still lost.

Oct 31. A chap a half brained – genius musician – Poet & Author – has come out to the colony – for his nerves’ sake – gets dissatisfied – goes about as a true cockney & discovers in one of his 8 mile trip just on the hills here – an article that has caused unceasing searches for three years – which will be a mint of money – to anyone – COAL. - & for which he has had tendered to him in conditions £ 1000!!! & he has refused – wishes to go home to England get Dr Eure’s opinion & then return & work the mine. ! That it had fallen to my luck! - What connection is there between such a fag end of mankind kith or kin & the discovery of coal – Destiny moves in a mysterious way:

[Page 59]

[Note at top of page]
26 yrs – races – trip.-

Nov: 9. This month I am 26 yrs !!!!!!!!!!! & done nothing yet – cant read Caesar’s commentaries nor translate the N. Test. in Greek - !!! – but it is no use I am constitutionally a paradox. On the 5th the Adelaide annual races .– The present time is almost totally devoted to a certain these amusements & their varieties with a certain class. – Vast sums of money are thus squandered – thousands of gallons of intoxicating liquors drunk – the publicans reap all the benefit of which there is a large number – No news yet of the inspectorship – Middling school – Went out yet yesterday searching for coal found only indications. Walked 15 miles – which has made me quite poorly. – Nerves! Nerves1 – child well – wife well – mother well – father bad foot – which will ultimately be his death, The Mechanic’s Institute is getting on pretty well. Though sadly divided in opinion as to the proper expenditure of funds. – great meetings, great rows.

Monday Nov: 11. Lonely & sad – doing nothing & can do nothing – In a colony where money is to be had – if one had money to speculate with School falling off – don’t know trigonometry – cant read latin – owe much money – want a good deal – where is it to come from – Want to do many things Cant do any – My case of Books ex Grecian not heard of yet – all gone to the sharks. Sad loss. – fine weather –

[Page 60]

[Note across top of page in large lettering] Birthday 26

Prius quam incipias consulto, et ubi consulearis mature fato opus est –

This is an admirable motto – I have always endeavoured to act upon it – but have not always succeeded – a great deal of humbug exists in mottos - & [indecipherable] delays are dangerous – one says – I have oft proved the contrary – most advantage Think before you speak – frequently leads to no speaking at all – to an excessive caution – & so on –

Saturday Nov 23 1850 Morphett Street Adelaide S. Australia My Birthday. Number 26. – how old! yet how little advanced in any one mortal thing – i.e. viewing life as an onward progress – yet for my infernal station in life I have done wonders – My clever father at the age of 48 had not literally a penny - no a pair of shoes only – trodden down slippers! – I on the contrary starting from zero – at the present moment stand thus – I possess a piece of land 42x210 at the cost price of 3£ pr foot my own freehold – a house & school room on it that cost £235. pd for £50 my own cash. The rest is mortgage which will expire

[Page 61]

three years time - & which with present prospects I shall be enabled to pay – I have a big school which at the rate of the last 6 mos ending Sept 30/50 brough with about * 50£ per ann. from the Govt School – brought me in £196. odd shillings per ann. To this add a girls school value above £60 pr ann – thus should affairs continue steady at the present rate – I shall be enabled by investing the surplus in Building societies to realize at the end of the 4 & 4 1/2 years - £820. – out of which pay £200 mortgage leaves £620 in pocket. – At present I have invested which will give at the end of the time £160 A sum that might be life & death to me just at that moment I must pray for the continuance of my present prosperity which rather gloomy just now – School keeping is so fluctuating ups & downs To do all this I am compelled to economize my house is far from being furnished my bedroom cannot boast of a common chest of draws – a chair or a bit of carpet my parlour has 6 public house cedar chairs a bit of very old carpet - & a colonial sofa gum wood no pictures &c &c – nothing one room empty - The kitchen is similarly

[Line drawn to create additional bottom line:]
* Govt money – claimed for having a girls’ school.

[Page 62]

circumstanced in pots pans – table & chairs – girls school room without floor – ceiling or plastering. In our wardrobes the same if not more scanty poverty exists – I have one coat that is in its seventh yr. my ordinary day coat & has changed its colour from black to green & passes off accordingly I have one better coat but fast approaching the shabby – one black pair of trousers old – which I wear Sundays & state occasions but rarely or ever ride with them – too much wear & tear. – In the belly department – nothing to complain of – plain but plenty –

But had I commenced long yrs ago even in the most paltry kind of business I should in all probability – at this day been worth a couple of thousands – may be considerably more – but I have been too proud – I have always occupied a false position & may God grant I dont rue it.

My Parents are in a very croaky condition in many matters – school so bad - other – it is a wretched employment Thankless worrying – miserably paid.

The colony is going ahead in mineral wealth especially the supposed number of inhabitants
64 000

The Burra Burra mine pays its quarterly dividends @ 200 per cent

[Page 63]

on each share. 4 or 5 of which is a fortune – The new constitution has just recd Royal assent - & is agitating the colonies – the great struggle between aristocracy & democracy – state religion & voluntary principle – the old forms & the new – old dogmas & new theories – it is the same all over the world It is the last feint but mortal battle between them the former will have to submit a new phase is bursting over society it is dissatisfied with existing ideas a longing for something else – a desire to try a new way – to turn over a new leaf.

Political strife is all one sided at present here, the mass are too engaged to devote time to squabbling but the days are coming &c My wife is well – child ditto: & another coming – Before this day I had anticipated that I should have entered the bosom of the church but somehow – a vacillating spirit prevents me - & I have no one who can read character - & help me – but all’s for the best no doubt – Since my last Birthday – I have been to Encounter Bay – gone into the T.C. School Room – visited the Kindred of Willunga from the Bible Society – Built a house – had a row with the Dean & S. School – became a candidate for the Inspectorship of Schools

[Page 64]

Wrote a lecture on Education. Studied nothing. - & very little advanced in christian virtue – this is the sum total of character – the annual quotient. There is a large remainder not divisible by any imaginable division – the unknown moanings & aspirations of the soul – the upward longings & downward fearings of the inner man. – The struggling for the unknown – the nausea of for the known the bitterness of life the unsatisfied desires of erring human nature.

[pen marks on gap of three lines]

But man must live – must strive amid sorrow – must suffer – when [indecipherable] farthing on Each shilling is the aim of every one – the king on his throne the priest in the pulpit – the beggar in the hovel – I have hitherto for years after nobler aims – to become a teacher of mankind – to have the inspiration of an Isaiah – the soul of Paul – the eloquence of Apollo the love of John the passion of Elijah – the fervour of Peter & the faith of Stephen – for such I have [indecipherable] for – learned for – yea prayed for – but alas! They are not for me – I must change – the eyes of the money dealer – the activity of the

[Page 65]

merchant – the dodges of business the cunning of the lawyer – the pound for pound – The past & present for all – the future for nothing -. Rothschild for a soul & Mammon for God – must be my aims & hopes & lofty views. Who is to blame – if this change is condemned – I? - I have done all in my power but in vain – I have served the Church party for 7yrs & more unswervingly – I have hinted, suggested & boldly asserted my natural inclination for the ministry – yet at the revolution of another natal day at the close of 2/3 of a man’s life I stand an isolated being – The broad expanse of life is stretches beyond my vision – perishing multitudes are with distended eyeballs seeking for the bread of life & I am ready to cry – Ho! Everyone to the waters of life – to point the way & to lead the van – but they bind me hand & foot, they stop my mouth – I am a mute amidst the uproar of the elements. – Am I to be blamed if I turn away with all the loathing of a sickened heart – of hope deferred – or do as Job did – curse my natal day - & die?

Had my lot been cast with any other man than the Very Revd the Dean I should have been at this time a priest in full orders – with all the Hocus pocus legerdemain. But It is time to leave off
ta! ta!

[Page 66]

Life news – Burra Burra have fallen
204. & 206 £ at present
money – 15 & 20 per cent –
Discounts 25 & so per cent. –
Nearly all speculation from cent per cent
[scrawling symbol]

Sunday . – 15/ . – Been out yesterday to search for 50/50 coal. – anything for money – I would search for the _____ If I could get a good income ----- going to be given a grand ‘fete’ to the C. of Eng. S. Schools – 900 on Thursday the 19th at the sole expense of a Mr Adams who a few yrs back was a common dirty counter jumper – to his son-in-law who was a retail grocer ironmonger – in a small way – but through the great mine Burra Burra – suddenly changed the apron for a satin vest – the truck for the carriage . – the servant of all to the master of all – The guest of governors – but the laugh of all –

End of 1850. & be off
Wid ye!

[Page 67]

1851. –

Jany 9 1851 Morphett Street Adelaide
Went to Port Wakefield during the holidays in a barge 100 tons 70 miles to the N.W. from thence to Willagalen Creek where Fry murdered his wife, & killed himself afterwards – 3.5 miles to this NE. from thence up the Hut to "Clare" 20 miles N. from thence to the Great Burra Burra – mine – 25 miles – stopped here 5 days – saw everything Returned to Adelaide 100 miles S – through a dreadful rain - [indecipherable] 9 days. – Water in the N. all brackish & salt – dreadful in parts – saw much to interest. I did not go into fits of delight when I saw the mine nor into hysterics of joy when I look at the Burra. – I was not even highly amazed. – The great race of men in the north – are the Bullock [indecipherable] a viler or a more debased set, does not exist under the sun their language is hell – their manners – beastly – their habits asslike. – fight drink & swear is their great [indecipherable] yet they could be [indecipherable] if we had only a little of heart & soul – saw preachers among them.

The more I see – the more I am of opinion that a sound education is the only means of distinguishing one’s self – Oh! that I had a collegiate training – that I should not be aggravated to death in endeavouring to read Lucian – Horace, Sallust, Caesar – etc – I feel humbled & annoyed to think that I am kept – in the back ground just for this want.-

[Page 68]

I subjoin printed [indecipherable] of IV. Exp.

[inverted newspaper extract not transcribed, with details – Capital, Directors, and some premiums – of Alliance British And Foreign Life And Fire Assurance Company]

[Page 69]

Regular row in the Church Society – Govr resigned his patronship – Revd Mr [indecipherable] resigned his Secretaryship – the Bishop declaring for "baptismal regeneration" – The laity declaring the other way – The committee rowing amongst each other – letters published in the papers – Great meeting on the 28. – Subscribers refusing to pay their cash – The Laity – Members Bishops & priests all in troubled waters –
"The "constitution" just arrived – after having been delayed 5 days in the Vessel’s hold – no one knowing it – It was put on boat at Plymouth – The steward stuck it into a dirty clothes bag & it was not discovered until 5 days after arrival here - & then by accident – The steward was turning out the dirty clothes for work – what an indignity! – The Captain is to be prosecuted – The first victim of our first liberty. – Such a laugh throughout the colony.-

Jany. 26. 1851. Great row, great "shindy’ as the clerk of the church calls it – between the Bishop & the laity - great meeting to be held of the latter on the 28th inst – to take into consideration the "Sydney Minutes" – The Requisitionists are Dr Wyatt – M. Mcdermot & 2 others –

[Page 70]

[Newspaper extract not transcribed]

[Page 71]

Feby 2 To the Gaol for a wander – 92 [indecipherable] – a quiet congregation –
Very hot – smoking but one gets so used to it that is affectation to talk about it – Had living with me for the last 10 or more days – a sailor - Campbell who from having been a couple of voyages at sea with Charles Irons in India managed to scrape acquaintance - & stopped accordingly – perhaps we shall have him back again –
The great Church of England Laity meeting was held on Tuesday last, the subjoined are a list of the Resolutions a slap up affair - an unequivocal expressed meeting. – Mr [indecipherable] in the chair – good speeches – especially Mr Walter’s – my school middling Want money – embarrassed with petty debts – my largest £14. I don’t know how I shall get clear of it – Land is going very dear – I want to buy some to secure the inheritance.

Another time – I am reading a novel by the unknown "Currer Bell" "Shirley" don’t like it – things are unnatural. I think it is the first that the "S. School" & the "Bible Society" are mentioned – we should thought it was too evangelical – our glorious constitution is about soon to come into operation The Bill is before the council

[Page 72]

A demonstration is being got up in favour of the "Vote by Ballot". – a meeting today – at the Exchange ----- morning over the very many very many hours and days that I have lost in doing nothing. – School middling – got a bad cold – want money want knowledge want to know Latin Greek French & German – I have no one – no not a single individual to teach me not for love nor money – devil! - The clergy are meeting in full enclave about the "Sydney Minutes" – there will be a rare row.

The country all astir for the coming elections – Dutton Fisher Baker – Elder, Neales – etc are all agog – proposed & so forth – If I were rich I would "shine" too "Education" would be my great point – Just finished 18 large & small sketches for Mrs Farrell (a present) for the German Hospital Bazaar – Wrote a political squib – has caused some sensation – I should get eternally smashed if the party knew I wrote it – School middling – an upward work.

Feb 24. I subjoin a piece of my doggerel – My recent political squib on J. Chambers has caused quite a hubbub – School – printing annual Rept for the school. – Sad in spirit – Went to the funeral of one of my scholars Mas Lawson. Aged 14.5 mos a most dreadful dusty day – had to walk against it – a Park cart nearly ran over us -

[Page 73]

[Page of verse untranscribed]

Right margin [indecipherable] Baruk
& wac
Parker

[At foot of page:]

This is an incident that happened in the "Freehold land Associated"

[Page 74]

[Head of page:] Appl a disappointment of Inspectorship of Schools Salary £300. per ann. – travelling, expenses included. –

Feby 28 1851 – All in a fluster – in a state of mental inquietude – of lunacy – The appointment of Inspectorship being my mad point – The salary is voted – but the man is not appointed – one of the candidates is not of the field – the opposition is not so strong Will the Gov appoint me? – Oh heavens! To think such a miracle! – God grant it for He alone can give it.-

March 1 I am a "gone coon" – This day my fate is sealed – I rose with great expectancy! Was in good spirits a bad sign - things were favourable – a do: - waited upon his Excellency "May it please your Ex. I feel some considerable diffidence in approaching your Ex this morning – as the object of my visit is [indecipherable] of a personal nature.-
His Ex. Take a seat – pointing to a chair –
Self – sitting uneasily – "I allude to the inspectorship of schools –
His Ex. Take a seat – pointing to a chair –
Self – sitting uneasily – "I allude to the inspectorship of Schools – His Ex , a [indecipherable]- a pause
Self – Some few months I forwarded an application for the office – supported by a short memorial signed by all the Schoolmasters & [indecipherable] in N. & S. Adelaide (a [indecipherable]) & spoke of my connection with [indecipherable] The point of visiting was to be put on the same

[Page 75]

footing as the other applicants – that is as far as personally known being known to his Ex. Spoke about the Govt. situations I had had offered to me and since I could procure if necessary a shrine memorial organised by the more influential colonists - & finished rather abruptly being conflabergasted.
His Excellency – "I am sorry I
"cannot meet your wishes – for this
"appointment has been offered today
"to another gentleman but as
"his duties will extend over the
"foreign schools the germans – he’ll
"want as far some assistance – an Interpreter"
Self – Having turned deadly pale bowing- & mute – all thoughts & words gone to the winds – stared at his Excellency – look to the grave – see my hat – take it- rise "Thank you, your Excellency" – "bow" "bow" - & retire [indecipherable] & the door closes on an outcast.

Slightly deranged all the afternoon - & blaming myself for having dirtied a clean shirt. This is the 3rd time during this last 10 years –
Be it so not my will but ______________

[Note at the bottom of the page]
*It must have an hour only before!! only think an hour! - for I visit Dr McGovern

[Page 76]

Sunday Mar 2. Somewhat resigned – not religiously I fear but more because "What is done cannot be helped," I can only wish myself better luck next time & may God grant it – Amen

[Printed material – not transcribed].

[Note at the side of the page].

I originated this – 2 yrs ago I tried to do so – but failed.

[Page 77]

[Printed article "Schoolmasters’ Association" – not transcribed].

[Page 78]

March 22, 1851
Been recently engaged in the Schoolmasters Ass: - attending as a deputation to Willunga – The Elections all the go & I all [indecipherable] stand– all to the style of judge Halliburton author of I am Slick - Some 3 or 4 yrs back in my diaries a Mr Allworth is spoken - an ambitious saddler & local preacher - changed his sentiments & turned churchman – then aspired to be a clergyman – when the Bishop came got a license as a catechist & promise of ordination - & more, O most pious hierarchy! they wont ordain him but send him over the water – to New Zealand a convict – as I called him picked bamboozled & deserted – Oh the whole affair is rich – extremely rich – it is disgusting. -

Another time – " what are the wild waves saying?" what is the everlasting wind breathing? - the all glorious effulgent sunset whispering? O nature what art thou? At times I think my soul will leave my body - & float away on the melody of a chord of music – at times I know not whether I am in the body or out of the body being absorbed in ecstasy – May I die on the tip of some hoary wild promontory & breathe out my universal spirit on the wings of the wind to be borne blown away to the regions of bliss –

[Page 79]

[2 typed columns – not transcribed].

O! resistless remorseless ceaseless sea
O! frightful power of tyranny/eternity
Whom no tear can soften no look subdue
No anguish move no motive free

[Page 80]

[Contents of this page are exactly the same as page 78 – therefore not repeated.]

[Page 81]

[Typed newspaper extract – not transcribed]

[Page 82]

[Page 83]

opposite is the programme of singing at our new "Old Colonists’ festival’ which was held on Thursday – next to my school room – in a large pavilion something like the following sketch – Mr Fisher in the Chair supported by the bishop – Judges etc. etc. etc. & about 6 to 100 to the dinner at 10/6 per ticket.

[Sketch of building.]

a Kangaroo a wallaby & 2 emus were also guests. - & introduced as real old colonists. Several Public Houses were illuminated, a whole bullock roasted next day - & a ball - in the evening my school room being turned into an ante chamber – I wrote a song for the occasion but it was not sung – I shall insert it. In the inside it was adorned with boughs – but it was a too unwieldy meeting & the speeches could not be heard – political excitement has not worn off – some considerable grumbling was expressed - so much for the 1st Old Col. festival. -

[Page 84]

[Copy of verses 1 and 2 of "The Old Colonists’ Jubilee Song"]

[Page 85]

[Copy of verses 3,4 and 5 of "The Old Colonists’ Jubilee Song"]

[Page 86]

[Duplicate page.]

[Page 87]

[Copy of verses 6 and 7 of "The Old Colonists’ Jubilee Song"]

[Page 88]

Another Day – Took the following dose – 2 sermons & connecting prayers & hymns – 2 S. School attendance etc Yesterday looked after bills – went to the Govt attending a meeting – went to Plympton, to Mr T. Hare Esq - & walked back between 9 & 10, from the country – in a great strait – a man went & bought for me 200 sheep at 20/6 without previously making arrangement with me - & wants the money directly – cant do it – row etc. – Met with an old chum from the cape. G. Walker 2 male Thos. Chadwick – lamenting over my ignorance – Cant find out what angle a given line makes with a given plane – the right one he defined it -

Another Day in the Annals of Time
Good Friday. or Bad Friday if you like – O! Blessed God – who did so wonderfully - incomprehensibly visit this earth for the purpose of saving man & who didst on the anniversary of this Day offer up thyself a full – free & sufficient sacrifice for man Sin, how shall your erring, weak & vacillating humanity appreciate the gift. - Redeemer of men! inspire me! lift me! Open my eyes – expand my vision – expand my sympathies – forgive my earthiness – save my soul! Amen
Have bought 200 ewes/sheep & got them at a halve may I be successful – painting my school.

[Page 89]

Poet’s Corner
Robin The Farmer
[poem printed overlaid on text]

[Page 90]

[Duplicate page.]

[Page 91]

May 1 1851 – Wife near her confinement My boy two yrs old tomorrow. –
Father applying to Govt for chief light keeper’s office in newly erected light house in C. Willougby – has good chance sal. £100.
Mending the road opposite my house. Burra shares rather low –
Almost been a drought –
everything risen – bread – water – fares to the port – meat - etc [indecipherable] £7 – for the first time on using The "George Home" sank with 400 tons of copper about 200 miles to the West of Kangaroo Is. – one boats crew lost-

Have been reading Macauly’s review of Lord Clive’s life & Warren Hastings trial – what a splendid style Macauly has? – it is unequalled in modern or ancient literature – profundity of knowledge full of analogy – comparisons & far seeing discernment – brilliancy, satire wit – the ludicrous - gorgeous & the sublime - imagination & poetry - & a full soul. – When I read of those stirring scenes & find myself unable to mingle with in them – my heart sinks –

I belong to Young Men’s Christian Society had a discussion about "State grants in aid of religion" – defended the principle – in 26 theses the subject is causing great stir – i –e. in politics.

[Page 92]

- Death.-

Saturday morning 20 min. past 8 o’clock am 17/5/51 my second child was born – a girl – Mother and baby perfectly well. Thank God

Sunday. All doing well – had during the week on the 20th a grand Tea & turn out of the Trinity School – 150 chil. 70 visitors meeting addressed by the Dean from the Chris. Woodcock Schooles – Ross Cawthorne Miller fine affair -

Monday – alls well
Tuesday. do:
Wednesday do: – baby much like Freddy
Thursday In the night baby woke ill suddenly – during the day worse – at ½ 12 am. seized with a dreadful convulsion prepared the worse – registered her birth – got the doctor – several fits – sufferings intense – agonising – writhing – Mother & self greatly feeling for the poor dear – Doctor - applications of all sorts – Got Mr Farrell - to baptise her – no hopes – worse – ½ past 9 p.m decided upon going & fetching my Mother from the Bay – 6mi – worst – dreadful dark – horrible roads – half frightened woke Mother up & arrived in Adelaide about ¼ to 1 am – all’s over the dear little babe – the [indecipherable] fine child expired only a few minutes before – at ½ past midnight-

[Page 93]

Friday May 23 – a house of mourning – buried it this afternoon at 4 oclock – Mr Farrell & self following – & we laid her in the grave in a bright sunny hour.
A picture – Life kissing death –
on the coffin – these words
Jane Cawthorne
died May 23. 1851
aged 6 days.
Ehu!

O most merciful God! the author & giver of life who hast ordained death as the portal to immortality – Death has again swallowed up another victim – who hadst but gazed unintelligibly upon things of sense – who hast not uttered a syllable of language – who wast but scarce conscious of mortal life though a deep sufferer to mortal pains. Thou hast taken a soul away to expand & grow where sin cannot enter – Shall I mourn? – God forbid Shall I rejoice? rather – O Thou who art the resurrection & the life. receive this child's spirit in Thy arms suffer the little child to come unto Thee there to be blessed for evermore - & MayMay he & she – who cried o’er her dying agonies– who wept because they were impotent – unknown to her – meet unitedly before the throne of grace & know each other as they are known – O most blessed God – she is taken but we are left – she to where the weary are at rest – we amidst temptation & sin O teach us to remember our days – preserve us in love to Thee receive us in the world to come - for Jesus’ sake amen.
O! death - thou hast a sting! O grant thou hast a victory! -

[Page 94]

June 1 1851. Alls well – but we still think of our little Jane – who is gone. –
Annie’s school middling – bad – am compelled to open a night school. – but duty first & pleasure afterwards. – Going to be a great Jubilee meeting of the Church people I am thick in it – I have some hopes still of getting a Sub Inspectorship. I have a friend in the Inspector. I pray God I may get it & so relieve me of the excessive drudgery of school keeping.
June 8 To the house of God – had a short walk in the narrow way – should like to keep in it – heard the Bishop keep preach a most awful long spinner of a yarn. A 40 min sermon is not necessary to salvation – a 20 min one is. - heard a first rate last Sunday evening Revd Mr Perk – a fine sermon – has some soul – the others have only liver & lights. – he preaches again tonight. – I am busy in getting up a Newspaper as Ed: - whining & [indecipherable] about an Inspectorship. The Inspector visited my school last week My girls school bad – have opened an girls evening school. Mining shares are selling for nothing – yesterday at Auction 20 Wheat [indecipherable] at 3d each – The Saturday before a number of others at 1/- 1/6 - & less – ea. There is a general stagnation in business – all things are dull – trade in all its departments & everything very dear – loaf o 2lbs – 5d – flour 20£ per ton Butter 2/6 – meat 3d & 4d per lb. –

[Page 95]

[Duplicate page.]

[Page 96]

[Duplicate page.]

[Page 97]

A day’s work
Rose late – swallow a bit of breakfast. Corrected 3 letters. – attended a meeting of Ministers at 9 am. Prest. Revs Woodcock Wilson Miller & self – kept School till ¼ 12. corrected a long article for the press – Saw Mr Stokes about Ed. Standard – went to printers about pamphlet. – went to Stephen’s – Exchange – Mec Inst: posted letters. – call at Phillips – saw Sexton about Bible Society. – Went to Miller. [indecipherable] final arrangements about Tea meeting – walked to the [indecipherable] School - & planned it for tables. – Dept School from 7 to ½ 8. P.M – called at [indecipherable] – Platt’s - & Building Society – arranged about mortgage etc – thought & read & retired at 11pm.

June 25. 1851 Holiday week – my school not very well - & my girls’ do: All gone to the dogs Thus £50 pr ann is lost – everything famine prices – bread 7d a loaf – candles 9d per lb. – the gold found at Sydney has caused a sensation – it is called – (the land) "Ophir" – many are leaving for there – to spend 20/- to get 1/6. in the dumps. They have ordained a schoolmaster & left me! –

July 13. 1851 – Still in the land of the living though oft thinking to be numbered with the dead still hoping fearing doubting wishing perplexing – now for this & then for that - [indecipherable] too? – simply because

[Page 98]

[Duplicate page.]

[Page 99]

[Printed material not transcribed]

[Page 100]

because I must fight for a position in Society – I feel a something that continually urges me to onward – not stationary – etc Suffered an insult from Mr Farrell – If I were independent I would assert it – but I abide my time.
Immense stir about the Election.
They have gone really against the State aid to Religion party – I am sorry for it -. The schoolmasters are making a stir about a memorial to Govt to elevate the standard of Tuition & Tutor in the colony – it is now the time to lay a good foundation – my estimate per annum is about £7000. to support 300 teachers – etc etc.
The ch: party are all on the tingles about the grant. Some of the teachers will be bled. Mr Revd Woodcock with his £700 reduced to £250 or £ 300. The Sch acts for Rel. & [indecipherable] are £ 200 - & £ 100. There is only one schoolmaster that can get this £ [indecipherable] & there are dozens of ministers who get the £ 200. – all the schoolmasters get the lower grant about £40. Is a minister worth 5 times as much as an Educator?

Sunday again – dear me, how the weeks tumble round – everything goes round & round – till one is giddy & always on the Rules of Contrary – when I say hold fast - let go One of the teachers has this day insulted me by his manner

[Page 101]

& language – made the necessary fuss - & stopped at home for the afternoon – so much for the point of honour – which I am rather particular about – but I suppose I must swallow it – as I have done many other things nevertheless – they never digest - & I have always the power of chewing the cud – I have a long & a strong memory – for good & for harm my hour will come – I feel it - & then I’ll come back with all the tenfold rebound of unjust remarks - & baseless suspicions – upon the head of those whom I now dislike but am compelled to obey for my POCKET’s sake. "Wach en beetje" [Wag en bietjie – wait a moment] as the Hottentots say. "Sper am bucko" – There is a time for all things.

Very busy – I’m laying plans – grins – traps – acts – papers – advice – etc etc – for the capture of an "Inspectorship" - have drawn up an Educational Act. – Have talked with this M.L.C & that N.L.C. Govt officers – correspondence –etc etc etc - Yesterday was closeted for 2 hrs with the most popular member of East Adelaide about Education – there is a distinction!

Money scarce – Rain, Mud & bad roads

[Sketch]
walking in Adelaide streets mud.-

[Sketch]

[Page 102]

Saturday July 26, 1851. Great day for the Schoolmasters – had a meeting to consider draft of Memorial to new council - to attend the NewPresent Act – We had a couple of our future Councillers present – stormy discussion – I wrote & circulated the opposite proposal – some proposed it to be burnt! Quite a row – there is a great deal of unworthy feeling - & mutual distrust – a Mr Wayworth is trying hard & fast for a berth under the new Act - & so is a Mr Cawthorne – the latter has but one thought & that is – an Inspectorship – under Govt he wishes to be emancipated from School Keeping may God help him – against the overpowering obstacles against him – & the single combat he has to fight – if he rise – it will be on the strength of his own exertions –

Two or three things have greatly annoyed me recently – the Bible Society – the T.C.S. School but a time will come. –

Sunday – Saw the Bishop - this short apron did not go to church though to S. School – am I not disgusted when I think how he the short frock – said all sorts of things about me - & yet has grown cold – Neg. walls – he’ll be the loser - Eye have they – but they see not .- so much for policy – Spoke to the children – hum drum – One eye makes a better discourse "feed my lambs indeed – as was put over his head at a meeting fulsome – if he would only pen them it would be enough – all the rage [indecipherable] to convert the blackfellows!! --

[Page 103]

Schoolmasters – Wreck – Friendship

Sunday Aug 3. All alive – Schoolmasters all – I am trying hard & fast for a Govt situation – for a permanency – that’s what I want – a permanent situation – I am confident I should give satisfaction & yet I cant get employment – " a good time is coming Boys" – as the say says – I am printing & writing & spouting & meeting - & thinking & reading & studying all for this one great point – I do all things for a purpose – I dress in white kid for a purpose – I would decorate my house for a purpose – I do things for an end – none of your fictitious friendships & positions for me – no humility – when an M.L.C. said he wanted me to breakfast I would not go – why – because I was the same W.A.C. the week before as I was then - I had not grown any taller or fatter or acuter – Friendship must be based upon intrinsic merit – not upon dinners & the belly – though that is the only way to get at an Englishmans heart or pocket. – Trying to get up a Newspaper & cant get £3-0-0 per month promised. – rich! –

Another day, Our memorial is printed – & we expect great things – Deputations to this M.L.C. & that M.L.C. I - fretting & fuming – now in the clouds upon the matter then in the deeps unknown –

The Ship "Marion" with a load of emigrants just wrecked on Troubridge Shoal – lost I believe everything – poor devils – It is an ill wind that blows nobody good – There will be a lighthouse erected & my father will get the situation - for a certainty – I wish to heavens a similar wind would blow me an Inspectorship -

[Page 104]

Sept 8.1851 Dreadful rainy & damp weather – rain rain rain – the Torrens, at a place 200 or 250 yards broad rose 12 ft in 8 hours – sweeping every thing before it – gum trees – bridges – gardens – banks etc. The roads as may be imagined are dreadful fearful for mud – I wonder I am not dead with the damp & wet – The N.Le. Council is sitting & arguing & calling for Returns as if there was to be no end – everything is demanded – they are a downright radical lot - frisk & free in legislation they are feeling & trying their harness - C.S. Hure who I thought would make a great man of himself – says nothing & whatever says – causes a laugh – thus it is with ’Bernices.’ - The Church Grand question is settled – it was negative by a majority of 3 votes. All the minorities are in a rare plight – "Oh dear what shall we do?" sings every one of them. The dissenters say work like Paul. W.A.C. says organize – organize - give him £400 per annum. & he’ll place £7000 in the course of 3 yrs in the Church Society, friends. – Preach now with Rev Mr Miller Master of the Pulteny school - resigned [indecipherable]? dismissed for kissing girls & feeling them - & so on – fine doings - bah – there is Warren & Platt Newenham & Police – a funny lot - -

[Page 105]

A new era – Editor – Sept 8. 1851

[Sketch of a tree]

Writing repeated on page 107. Not transcribed here.

[Page 106]

[Duplicate page.]

[Page 107]

A new era – Editor Sept 8 1851
Sept 8 1851

A new in life – thus we climb – or sink just as you please – restlessness is a part of my composition – from the cacoethes carpendi – loquendi – scribendi I have added "print-endi" Behold a fool! – proprietor & Editor of the S.A. Educational Times – size ¼ of a demi sheet – 12 columns & at the present moment 63 copies subscribed for at the rate of 3 ea – expenses £2-2.0 Value of advertisements £1-1-0 & the Printer risks £1-1.0 Thus the last of the Cawthornes endeavours to rise - up & above the surface of society – from that position which a generation of backwardness has thrusted him - this is he wrong? – he knows not – why bother about such matters? some say? – is not selfishness the aim & end of all efforts? At this very moment I abhor the system of things which make me subservient to this principle. Times are vastly [indecipherable] says one – you are even at own expenses & risk – is it all for nothing? I blush – I am silent – God forgive my oneness, & my bellyness – but what am I to do? swim against the current? Wed poverty & extoll the blessedness of rags? I wish to gain a memorable livelihood – a position to expand my energies – an acknowledged & inevitable public place the love of notoriety may sinful me to this but whatever it is – it is in me. I cannot resist it – unless by a revolution – I am old - & nott muttering yet. -

[Page 108]

Oct 10 1851 – Been ill – urine – aggravation – Mr le Sent came to Town got £5-0-0 - got drunk remained 3 days – no one knowing where he was – found on the 10th - & seen on the 6th - lost minus everything -
Black guarded him well – for I am absolutely disgusted, a man of 57 yrs to do this - When will he be wise? – cursed drink, yet in the expense & dishonor – he is contemptible poor mother. – great fuss in the church about temptation! – great fuss in the Educati about a new Ed! Measure of obstinate C.S. Hare. – great fuss annoyed the unemployed -

Oct 19. Been reading Johnson’s Rambles how admirably written – in words– in thought & diction exactly 100 yrs old – yet how select the phrases, how well rounded the periods. – Been with Paul yesterday on a conchological trip – got nothing. about 30 vessels in the Port – a good number – an Ed: Cantton of the Legislative Council appointed – I am all "pins & needles" – Spent the evening with the inspector yesterday, If I do not get a situation this time abandoned all thoughts entirely of the kind & turn my attention to sheep farming – a 1000 sheep would keep me. I wont spend my energies for nothing – I’ll live for a purpose either for the public or for self. –

[Page 109]

Gold! – Dust Storm

Saturday Oct 25. 1851 – Gold! Gold! Gold! Off to the Diggings - immense rage for the Melbourne or Ballarat diggings – 1000 people leave this week – I am going just now – to try a spot –

Delicious Dream – last night – I dreamt the legislative council had placed the whole "Educational Matters in the colony" under my charge – whew!
Gold! Gold! Great excitement they are mad fools -

Tuesday Oct. 28 1851. Just delivered a lecture to the parents & friends of my school on Education. [indecipherable] att: considering all things & very attentive.
Wednesday Nov: 4. Just heard last night that Govt has appointed Mr le Sent to the head Light Keeper’s ship office – at the Kangaroo Island called the "Shirt Light" – I tremble & scarce rejoice he’ll never keep it - & if he keeps does not – & gets disgraced. I shall leave the colony. The gold mania has been fearful near upon 2000 people left in a week. It has subsided now somewhat.
Saturday Nov: 8. Dreadful & unequalled Dust storm visited the Town – at about ½ 5-8am. It was so dark that we had to light a candle – many thought that an earthquake was going to follow – a great deal of damage was the consequence – verandahs – roofs – chimneys & even cottages were scattered about -

[Page 110]

Great Dust Storm – Gaol – Elec. Tel.
Inspector of Schools

and as for the dust – where is human pen to describe it? – Rain immediately followed & such a mess is not to be described – houses painted with ditch mud is the nearest approach – several people, on the Port Road were nearly suffocated. No dust storm in the Desert could have equalled – it was about 2 miles high & made it night some 2 hours before time.
Sunday Nov. 9. To the Gaol – 83. few prisoners – 143 altogether in the jail – I heard one of my congregation ( a whore) say "That’s a good sermon." I feel flattered – criticism still remains. – though virtue etc was banished – such is human nature.
Tuesday Nov: 11. – Just heard a lecture on the Electric Telegraph – by a schoolmaster – Mr [indecipherable] to the Members of the Mec. Inst. about 500 present – nearly all the experiments failed – Yet the matter was pleasing because new perhaps. My paper goes on middling-
Saturday Nov: 15- O heavens! The struggle of life. – how bitter, prolonged – interminable – full of chicanery - I hate it – I wish to become an inspector of Schools – yet I shall never get it unless I adopt all the artifices - & subterfuges & bye play that others are adopting – I hate it – I like a man to be taken for what he is, & not for what he appears to be or professes to be. The Jackdaw – on the 23rd this month I am 27! !!!!! Hear that, & be astonished O! Ye heavens. – God God ! how much I have to sorrow for - & how much to be thankful for. -

[Page 111]

Going Home – Inner and outer man

Sunday Nov: 16. 1851. – After I have done my best & my worst in this forthcoming Education Act – & should I fail – & often having again renewed my negotiations with Bishop Short – & should I fail – then will I live only for One thing – I’ll renounce the Council & all its works, - The bishop & all fleshly desires - stick to my school – scrape up every penny – buy sheep – until I secure £300 per annum & then go Home to England & have a peep at the great Babylon – & in the mean while write & prepare a Book on the Colony so as to cover my expenses., This is my ‘Castle in the air.’ – should it never be realized – no matter – I know nothing – God knows all things I plan – but . He overrules – His will be done – whether in life or death. – Thus speaks the inner man to the outer man – is it right – O inner man that thou shouldst despise life & its gildings & is it right O! man that thou shouldst lead captive thy brother – O inner & outer man when will ye harmonize? – when the world has rubbed off the fierce emotions of the one & the alienated the affections of the other? – when the outer shall leave its carnalities – temporalities, return to the true spirit within & when the inner had had a glimpse of that which eye hath not seen – when the outer is a [indecipherable] to the inner when to die will be gain - & to live a loss – the outer man languishes for the purple & fine linen’ of the world – for the chief seats in the synagogues – & to be called Rabbi Rabbi’ but the inner man gazes on these with an unaltered eye & spurns them with contempt. –

[Page 112]

Govt. Scheme of Ed: Birthday – 27

Another Day – Torn to pieces about what is to be done. If I tarry – I may be late – if I start forward I may be deemed impertinent – I know not what to do – Govt is [indecipherable] has brought in a new Educational measure – ever so many are now after an inspectorship – so am I & tremble for a failure still if Govt would say – "We’ll have nothing to do with you for ever" I would be immediately quiet down & be absolutely contented – i.e. than this uncertainty.

Sunday Nov:r. 23. 1851. Adelaide South Australia – Morphett Street – Day of humiliation – Day of my birth – the anniversary of life - & the forerunner of death – another year to my life, & another nail to my coffin – another epoch of experience – another addition to folly – [indecipherable] ways – woke of him & misappropriated talents – another record of a period of being another witness to the deed done in the [indecipherable]

I am 27 years of age –
half a fool, and a half a sage
greatly inclin’d to paradox
A cross between lion & a fox. –

Born within the sound of Bow Bell –
Christened in Scotland I ken full well
Brought up in afric’s sunny strand
Married in Australia’s land. –

[Page 113]

In disposition roving wild
Dire as the Devil – quiet as a child –
With the love of god – & of man
Curiously alternating. –

Much has happened since last year?
A trip to the North –
Birth & death of my second child
Hard trial for the inspectorship.
Started a newspaper
Bought a trousers & coat –
Continued my German & French language – (but the man died – a week into twice you) –
Started the Preceptors’ Ass:
Altogether attained a more public position
Bought 200 sheep (not paid for)
Added sundry little matters to my house –
I am in Debt a few pounds - with every proposal of purging them this year - Health has been tolerable – not well – though not ill – my family been pretty well – some little in the religious line – much to my regret – I am playing two games – which will be shortly ended. – I have a natural upward gleaming – an innate pride & ambition I feel as if I were here & there – I shoul’d be able to grasp & grapple & give satisfaction there is a sort of "fightable" wish – wherein I should most have excelled – would have been as a commander – a head of a Department an explorer – a manager. – etc.

[Page 114]

Birthday - The battle of life

anything where my natural resources would have been brought to play – the same sort of principle makes me belong to Committees – Sub committees - [indecipherable] – Societies – ad infinitum
a talent, properly applied, of course of great value - [indecipherable][indecipherable] "Know Thyself’ – as always [indecipherable] an aim with me – but my greatest drawback has been – want of scholastic learning – rather perhaps – time – I am all in arrears I am now trying to cram into 24 hrs – the duties & responsibilities of Schoolmaster – Husband – father committee man to this that & the other – Let to – Editor merchant speculator – eating drinking & sleeping & other business & study the time is to short - I want 36 hour to my day – besides the 10,000 interruptions – I have to steer – look out – take in sail – lay out the course – keep watch heave the lead – all - & [indecipherable] quicksand & rocks. 2 eyes are too few - & I head too little. – I am playing hard and fast with the church & the World & what is a poor devil to do – I have no friends I am solus alone – totus the whole - [indecipherable] no use – (so help me) – as the Gramr hath it. My natural propensities would lead me to be prominent – but my supernatural attributes (money) prevent me, but other other hand I must fight – I cant expect people to come & offer me this & that – I have as much right to Govt employ as 1000 of others who get the same through interest etc – So there I am in the delicious state of uncertainty. – now advancing then retreating – now sanguine then hopeless

[Page 115]

Knowledge is power

The battle of life is a great battle – that of Naseby & Waterloo – were about kings – but the struggle for life & that singular propensity for independence – is a higher aim – more obstinate in difficulty more tiresome in pursuit more resolute in defence – argus eyed - & hydra headed –
Knowledge is power – How I have wept at the thought! – how I have struggled for it but it is no go. – I only know that I have no knowledge. But this will not do for the state of my mind, a boiling cauldron – now for my body. – pretty well – though not entirely recovered from the attack of 49 – subject to strange sensations in the head & nerves – something like delirium – queer still very thin – lastly my estate – good – if things hold on as they have for the last year I shall be well off next year – which I pray God for – my schools are still separate – Boys in Trinity - & the Girls at my own house – my wife & child quite well - & happy – for which thank God – I am still a teetotaller amidst all ridicule of a besotted world – drink is the curse of this colony the ruin of health & state is incalculable - & the number & extent & fining of public houses not to be exaggerated – every 10th house is a tavern – The poor teetotal cause is an ebb tide - Fooks is still well & kicking Paa – is a bankrupt – idling about on the verge of destitution – lazy chap – Edwards is still in the country doing well. –

[Page 116]

Still subject to the "Education fever", all hot about a situation under the Act. (new one) – I seam about not knowing whither to apply – I have in fact no friends, I have a lot of acquaintances – that’s all.
Having no friends is – because I have little or no money - & to get at a man’s heart you must enter through the belly - acts not sentiments are the written language of society – when I have money then I’ll have friends – if I choose to accept them which will be doubtful - Um!
All hot! All hot! 105 deg in the sun.

Dec 12 Adelaide is in an awful state everybody leaving it – for the gold diggings at Mt Alexander - Ballarat – Men there are getting fortunes – in a few weeks – men are [indecipherable] on going away – leaving their wives & children behind – the Cash – work of all kinds is stopped – people are becoming insolvent right & left – altogether dreadful –

The most expanding excitement prevails hundreds are leaving for the Victorian Gold diggings - & hundreds are making their fortune in a few weeks, this town is in a most distressed state. No money – no people many insolvencies –
Dec 24
31 people just returned from the diggings
Over a few weeks, some 4 or 5, got £600. – they return merely in [indecipherable] of ‘no water’ – 6d a pint. –

[Page 117]

Anecdote of dogs

Anecdote – About 90 or 100 miles S is the Biscuit plain – forms a most extensive flat of several miles – in length & breadth - & during the last severe winter – have been unprecedently overflowed – forming a lake of water varying from inches to several feet deep near open 70 miles – less – Through this lake – the overlanders whether horseman or drays have to wade about 3 a h weeks ago – a dray came through it - & belonging to it were 2 dogs a little & a big one – the big one managed pretty well – now walking then swimming – but owing to the depth of the water – the little dog after swimming, without scarce any [indecipherable] – for two days – as men reached a little knoll or island where they rested – both wearied to death On the morrow – they allowed the dray to proceed – the man thinking they’d follow – the big dog followed – swimming - & looking back to see the little dog trying to follow & it could not – it actually returned back - & ultimately died with his companion – both being found dead some two or 3 days after.

Dec 24. Adelaide is nearly ruined all are off to the Diggings – great remains of diggings being here - - but plenty [indecipherable] – Burra shares are very low – All sorts of reports about the one universal talk is – off to the diggings – I am going to the diggings - off to the diggings tomorrow Goodbye off to the diggings – ‘diggings’ etc – from pulpit to the [indecipherable]

[Page 118]

New Year

Jany 3d 1852 – Just returned from a trip to Port Elliot - Goolwer – Sea mouth of the Murray - & Currency Creek – wretched roads – bushed it all the time - & plenty of rain – the furthest point about 80 miles – a wild desolate place.
A new year! - Ah! A new year – it is a sad new year – every thing dull & gloomy in Adelaide and prospects very bad All gone gold seeking – a very bad state of things many private houses – have chalked up - "gone to the diggings" – The same with shops – What shall happen to me in the next? - where shall I lie? Will I go to the land of gold! I think not – I cannot write any reflections – because my mind, as well as my prospects are so unsettled – if this coming year is as good as the past one – I shall have a considerable amount perhaps £ 50 – in my pocket – but alas! Affairs are very gloomy The colonies are always up or down – you never know – how one month will be with another profits are so high – speculation so rife & credit so extensive – that any risks are undertaken – a moral indifference also as to results pervades the man. – Insolvencies are confirmed - & the Bill system continued What am I better this year than the last? – do I love the world more? – Am I nearer the other world? – have I risen or fallen – more a devil or a God? –

[Page 119]

Gold! Off to the Diggings –

Gold! Gold! Gold! – all for gold – Butchers – bakers – miners – hawkers – fishers – grocers – tailers – workmen – schoolmasters – clerks – officers – all! All! "for the diggings’ – many have come back everyone from £ 50 to £ 500 & this in a few weeks – some 3 some 6 or 8 weeks all off again with their families – the ministers are even going The Wesleyan Sunday School has closed for want of teachers – the revenue has fallen to half the amount – Thousands are going shops are shutting – houses emptying - money scarce – we gain the whole world & lose our own souls –

Jany 19 1852 – I am off to the Diggings!!!!!! – who would have thought it – but all are going – great & small – no exception the colony is ruined Sub officers going off salaries of £ 300 & £ 350 – to go – I leave my school (?) with my wife & mother – who cannot stand these times – we must go – there is no help. God grant I may be successful – The av: gains is £ 40 per week –
-----
Jany 27th Off today – Curse the Gold Diggings – that caused some to riot. All for a supposed fortune.

[Page 120]

[Sketch of the diggings]
gold diggings

Feby. 24. 1852 – Returned – pennyless & ill with rheumatism - & dreadfully debilitated – Reported to have been a corpse – my wife & mother came to fetch me either dead or at the point of death – abandoned all at the Diggings & returned to Adelaide. – Abstract of the Adventure. 4 days on the voyage – heavy gale all the way – very sick – watched the horse night & day – had nothing to eat but salt horse – & filthy mutton went on shore at Melbourne on Sunday night – at last found a lodging – bad – next day lived upon bread & water – I saw a woman murdered in the street slept on wet ground on the Yarra river – next day fared no better – slept d(itt)o; next day started for the Diggings – 80 miles away – had to stump it – pushing the cart up the hills - & holding on down the hills – bad roads worse water – very hot & very cold – rascally company – looseness of life horrid drunkenness – plenty of revolvers - & guns & shooting – got to the diggings such a sight – gold working & sinking in holes 25ft-30ft deep & in the morning, got ill – spasms & Rheumatism – no water – returned 2 days there – saw enough – 2 days back spent them with an out & out blackguard – applied for a situation – did not get it – came back.

[Page 121]

was 14 days coming – a job of wind, driven 100 miles out of the way – off to the S. pole – broke sails – bad food – very ill – got to Adelaide very debilitated & very hungry – mother & wife rushed down to the Port – heard I was dying – thanked god, I was back – but very ill – head all in a whirl – bad for a week afterwards - & now Feb [indecipherable] March 5 – tolerably well – I was generally reported to have died – all the Diggers are liars – Adelaide in an awful state all gone – my school gone – no men – no children, no money –

Thursday March 18. Gold fever yet hundreds going – scores returning with gold & various excess, things very bad - I not heard that 18 sheep are dead & that 82 have the foot rot.! I am highly distracted – as I am paying to the Society 7/- per week for them – them in foul play.

April 1. fool day – I was a fool – in more ways than one. Mother has just gone Tuesday Mar: 30.1852. to Kangaroo Island to live with Mr C. – rather to take care of him I was going, but at the 11 hour decided not – my school requires nursing - & not running to & fro – Cape Willoughby – is a grey place - & the communications with very little – few & far between – shall perhaps not see them for months perhaps a year or so – poor mother how she is knocked about with Noah’s dire - can find no food whatever in the "Yatala" –

[Page 122]

Gold fever not abated – though the spirits are not quite so favourable, the colony is in a very middling state – An escort under [indecipherable] will in future go regular to Mt Alexander, it last time brought about 7 cwt of Gold – there is now est: an Assay office – & the Govt price is £3-11- per oz. In Melbourne I hear it is only £2-19-6 The flash brought yesterday 5000 oz. The diggers only come over for a spell & then return – but the winter will cut them up.

Another day – rather poorly – when I am out & out well? – if I am well in the body, I am ill in the mind - arminianism or catholicism – calvinism, or puseyism or some other ism – worrying me to death – Descartes says – Cogito ergo sum – & what led to this – because – my very doubting the existence of things – makes me know that I can doubt – I go further – I doubt that my doubts are doubts – funny – where then the starting point of certainty – There is no certainty – all is belief – dear me! This is a profound subject nay it is a silly subject – Locke has exposed this admirably – alas! I want a place to give utterance – I "bide my time" – I always read several books at a time – I am reading now – "Life of Cortes", "Travels in Mexico", "Evilina" – "Philosophy (Biography of & "State Trials." – besides miscellaneous writings.
Good Friday. April 9 1852 – preached a Sermon to my blackguard congregation – attentive 55 males & 5 females: miners – if it had not been for me

[Page 123]

they all might have whistled for a Service – so much over the £550 – care about the matter – it was the first Good Friday sermon & service ever held there – at the Gaol.- how odd – praises & curses to proceed out of the same mouth! – 5 whores – who but to say – how their mouths full of blasphemies – too unutterable – singing to God "come loud anthems let us sing" – strange – can sweet & bitter come from the same spring? –

Adelaide has got a slight start again – about £200,000 worth of gold was is now in the colony – yet 100’s are going away & 100’s purpose to follow – no new buildings – a public works going on – the trade is confined to various shops – whether of clothes or eatables – the diggings are all the go – had great anxiety about the New Ord: (Ed:) not appointed yet – & this month is the last of the old Ord: I wrote once & was required to write again – I did so – I am afraid it would come out - & if so – I shall lose £40 [indecipherable]

Have heard the Miss Cooks are undergoing the painful operations of removing 1 cancer & 1 tumour –
Tuesday – The first dawn of luck has befallen to me this day – viz. I was told (confidentially) by Dr Wyatt – that the Govt intend to appoint me one of a member of the new Ed: Board! I have been writing about this to them – but scarcely imagined I should be so favoured – let me only get my foot into Govt employ I’ll guarantee they’ll I’ll not go backward I have striven hard enough – & what I get I’ll not lose – I was very thankful.

[Page 124]

[several small sketches at top of page]

Thursday April 15.1852 Great day. Recd Govt letter containing appt of myself as Member of the Bd of Ed: under Ord: No 20 1851 & Gazettes. - The following are the members:

R.D. Hansen – Ad: Genl
* F. Dutton Esq MLC
* Dr Duncan
* Dr Schornberg
* P. Cumming Esq
* E. W. Wickes
* W. A. Cawthorne

Tuesday – Tomorrow we meet as a Board – here – how funny! – Now I have not dared to hope for a position like this – give me but the cage – the point is Govt employ - & I’ll work my way up – we shall see. What aggravates me, is – More I am not a perfect Linguist – that I can’t quote Homer & Euripides – to the "Nubes" – ah! Self teaching v a slow infernal process – but it is not necessary that the classics should be a part of the qualification of a Member though how well it becomes him know nothing – Whereas I ought to be a Model & such is my longing desire – precious undeniable time – years – have been lost & lost forever! I don’t believe all my education cost my "dear" parents £10 – perhaps not 150 Rixdollars – when I think, I go mad. New Colonies & hero aboard for a further rote learning as in praesenti – as the middle voice! to such pitiable position am I reduced - without hope ever to master the dear languages.

[Page 125]

Thursday April 28. All in the fidgets. The Bd are going to appt a Secy and I want the office £60 saly but I am on the P & d] - rather an anomalous situation – have to resign one to get the other – but I wont do one without getting the other. I am proud also – I won’t apply unless I am very sure of not being refused. There are already many applicants. I’ll try for it - Adelaide is slightly recovering from its stagnation though columns of vessels are still laid on for Melbourne – an ordination tomorrow. S School meal next week when I must try & get up a speech but alas! I cannot speak.

Sunday night – May 9. Would not compromise my dignity & therefore I would not apply for the Secyship to the Board so I have lost the salary – but retained the honour – events will show whether I have made a wise choice – I could not have applied unless I resigned first – that was the rub – a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. We meet every Wednesday & Saturday & Yesterday we sat 4 hours – of course there is a vast deal to do - & blockheads to do it with – alas! -- how I swell to enunciate – what I cannot utter – how feel the grand – while I only spout the – absurd - oh! I know nothing

[Page 126]

[newspaper clippings]

[Page 127]

Monday May 24. Queens birthday. Wishing to be first & foremost in all things I accordingly determined to attend the Levee – ordered a "spick span new pr of trousers – oh! horrors. The Devil of a tailor after all his protestations was only barting them at a few minutes before 1p.m. the hour of Levies – Then to mend matters – I waited so long outside the Govt House – for my friend that positively we were too late! Quite a chapter of accidents - & disappointments. Recd a letter from Mr Parker Secy to the Col. of Preceptors.

Saturday May 29. In a secd letter from Mr Parker published a part of it, shall now endeavour to establish a Branch College here – several are willing – as the Board to say as usual – generally occupies 4 to 5 hours – corresponding with the Govt about funds – went afterwards to the Miss Cooks – about 8 or 9 miles rainy weather – all the town talking about electing Mayor & alderman & councillors. All stuff the present Commissioners do just as well & less expense.

Monday June 6. Another step (?) the headmastership of the Pulteny Street Central Schools has become vacant – I was driven to apply – have done so – & believe am appointed, the Salary was a matter of arrangement between myself & the

[Page 128]

[newspaper cutting about The New Educational Ordinance]

[Page 129]

Dysentery – Appointments "Central Schools"

Trustees but this point has to be settled tomorrow – I am not at all anxious about it – with my own school – there will be about 110 boys – but a very few girls – I scarcely know whether I have strength enough for so arduous an undertaking – I pray God to help me & to sustain me – I am the most unfortunate of all mortals – in taking this school - I am introduced to an entire new system ‘plump’ - without knowing anything about it. - There I must ferrets my own way – this I feel much – I am always wanting to learn – & men are always making me teach – this is my punishment for appearing wiser than I am.

Got dysentery in my house – it is either Killing or nearly so – one of my boarders – great anxiety - for us – are pretty well in healthy myself. Gold is more plentiful in Adelaide – ie money nearly every shop buys gold – it pays well. They give £3.7.6 or 3.8.0. & get in England £3.11.6 I believe.
June 8 – appointed – & took possession, but oh! horrors instead of 80 or 100 boys with 14! I am half mad – not a book to use – not a slate – while not a copy to be had - & each boy is to be a walking encyclopaedia – dear! dear! – if you let fall a book – it can never be picked up again – in such a drastic state is everything. Oh! that I had one year – I shall be ruined – I verily believe.

[Page 130]

Saturday June 12. To the "Ed: Bd" as usual we are in a row with Govt. Sir H. Young wants to make us – a head Department – we won’t have it - & so have suspended operations – all in a tiff – must teach Govt our independence & make them eat their own words.
Still feel very uncomfortable in my new sphere. Had a bit of a quarrel about it with the dean – I have been duped. Instead of bettering my condition - I am lowering it – besides an increase not to be described – Gold is still all the go – 9000 oz deposited yesterday in the "Assay office". The Bishop went recently to Western Australia – having first ordained a schoolmaster of that place – I must begin to aspire to - throw off the lusts of the flesh - & turn unto our blessed mother church – I have to teach the Catechism once a week one hour. My boarder George Faulkner is still very ill [indecipherable] I can hardly hope of his recovery – he is so delicate.
Tuesday June 15 – G Faulkner very ill – I don’t think he will recover – my school not so large as it ought to be – just half, 60 boys instead of 120.
I have a great work before me in my school – gigantic – I know not how I shall master it – I feel zealous in it – but the children’s [indecipherable] is so great – that I feel quite low spirited at times. -

[Page 131]

fever – Ed. Bd. £1150

Saturday June 26 1832 Last night 12 oclock My boy was seized with something - fever I believe. He then became lightheaded - & while both of us were dozing – self & wife – he vomited most violently – up I started. Do mother - & this ever our state – child reaching awfully – mother agonising with an attack of cramp & I – with a sudden burst of blood from my nose – pretty pinkish blood – cramp - & retching. My boarder is getting better - I spend my Saturday at the Ed Bd today 5 hours – licensing the teachers – still in great bother with the Govt about financial matters – got myself in their black books – by calling them theoretically wise but "practical boobies". I have protested about "fees" & "sewing". Gold diggings are still prolific – plenty of Gold. Mr Farrell’s scullion just returned - with £1150 & bought his Master’s horse - & struts about with a gold pin & a blue naval.

Sunday – Prayers – sermons – praise thinking , teaching [indecipherable] & so another sabbath. God forgive my Sabbath sins! Instead of drawing nigh to God – how frequently I am further off. Oh! flesh! – Oh! devil. Though remained ill my baptism – yet how I cling to you – when am I to rise to clear! - unfettered?

[Page 132]

"Favorite" – flour £25 per 200lbs Escort

SundayMonday June 28. Finish day – busy at school so many call the school yet very small - 52 boys in attendance & 63 on books – with 12 girls – At a Teachers’ Meeting - dwindled poorly away – most of them at the Diggings – News – 3 men drowned at the River Light – in the Burra Mail" & several horses - sad case. The Vessel "Favorite" with all hands including 3 of the celebrated colonists. Featherstone Laugh – Shayle & others. She was bound to Sydney - and then a hoax has been played off upon the Govt about a Gold field on the Broughton. Flour at the Diggings £25 for bag of 200lbs! – hundreds of diggers are returning for the winter months.

July 10. The Escort has just arrived from Mt Alexander – after a terrible travel lost the Cart & 1 horse but saved the Gold. The amt [indecipherable] is about £100,000 worth - & 3 Tons awaiting on the Diggings – 100’s of returned diggers are now in Adelaide – rainy & muddy – business pretty brisk – everything getting dearer – Very busy at the Bd - & during the week engaged in unpacking £100 of book – for Pulteny Street School, a fine pair of globes – unfortunately I [indecipherable] more taught them. I am about insuring my life for £100 – which eases my mind considerably – no man has a right to marry &c without the power to provide for death &c – My boarder is not better yet - .

[Page 133]

Row in paper – against Bd of Ed – A man – a woman –

Sunday July 25/52. To church & school as usual. Another of our Teachers returned from the Diggings – done pretty well – Great Row in the papers against the Central Bd of Education – for refusing Licenses to certain rascals of Teachers. O! such a row against "us" & especially Messrs Wicks & Cawthorne. Those independent editors – my independent lives – distorting - & falsifying facts to give onesided views – We are called a "Vegengirichte" or Inquisition almost tribunal &c never mind my conscience is clear. Instead of the poor Preceptors on the Bd: exercising a bad influence – they have protected their brethren. But I have a consolation – that when an official enquiry is made - all things, will be as clear as noon day. Our great offence is not "giving" reasons" for our refusing licenses.
I have consumed today – 2 sermons, & preached one myself – 3 meals – 10 hymns – a piece of pie & 4 special prayers & two liturgies – & 7 chapters in the Bible - Our friend & neighbour Cr Mayo has returned from England.

Another Day. What is man made of ? - a little piano forte - a little singing – a little sentiment – a little lust & a little nonsense. What is a woman made of? A piece of ribbon – a look – a bill & a heart.

[Page 134]

Ross – Diggings – Row in Ed: Bd – Police

Sunday Augt 8 – Our friend Ross returned from the Diggings with £200 in pocket. Very stormy – grand news from England – a Royal mint is to be established in Sydney - & the goldfields are to be taken possession of by Military – if so we shall have blood - as well as gold - The diggings are in a dreadful state on a/c of the weather – hundreds leaving – everything dreadfully dear £40 per bag of flour – it has even been double as much.

Saturday Augt 20 Such a row – rarely have I been present at such a dignified row – a Row in the Ed. Board. Hon: F S Dulllen MLC & Hon Waterhouse MLC – all about a letter & letters – the latter accused the former of writing unauthorised statements in the name of the Bd – reflecting upon him as a public man - &c &c &c &c Dr Wyatt the Inspector who mainly attends to give information - & had nothing to do with the dispute – had time enough – to read through – the History of the War in Punjamb & the Secy to write the Alphabet in 20 different languages & as to self I was vexed – surprised & amused. At last it was Settled – the wounded spirits were healed – the Govt is to Know all about it - Rhomboids are made into squares - the oblique straight & the unstable – solid - the point of honor was duly settled - & the harmony of the spheres is restored – moral – men are still boys.
Very rainy - & muddy – got a cold – reading "Reinze" Dickens has published a new work – the "Bleak House". 2 of the local police have resigned been dismissed.

[Page 135]

Our Diggings - £40 Pulteney Str, Central schools

Saturday Aug 26 Strange events – Strange events! - Last Tuesday a veritable Gold field was discovered with 20 miles of Adelaide – every day confirms it – all Adelaide in a ferment – everything has risen – Tin dishes from 5/- to 15/- in a day – spades £1.0.0. picks &c – the same & as to cradles they can’t be had – everything has risen – bread, water, suits, shoes &c &c all except schoolmasters’ fees & profits – whatever the rises – schools must not rise – or else off they go – I have 102 boys for Augt – Mum think ½ will leave next week boys are too valuable at the "Diggings" – to be kept at school & sums are no consequence in a boy’s life, can be easily made up – but in the meanwhile - what becomes of the Teachers? - Next Saturday I intend moving in the Ed: Bd to have the stipend of Teachers increased in consequence of the everything being raised – in fact the £40 now given are no longer £40. They wont go so far – it is therefore wrong to say that £40 of the current value are given.

Sept 1 There is no certitude.

Sept 6 Just had a Trustee mutiny of the Central School . Trustees seem to be quite satisfied with the Schools. Capt Allen generously gave £50 towards repairs of school. J.Adams Esq £5 to a library. Mr Farrell (the Dean) thinks it quite complimentary to me.

[Page 136]

Boys & Girls – ‘Chusan’ Diggings & Licences

Whatever I ask - - I get – Mr Y. says they (the schools) have never been in such a satisfactory state . The numbers on the Bks are 110 Boys & 26 Girls & my receipts for the month of August - £9.1.4. - I feel grateful that I have been enabled to give satisfaction – especially so – when I reflect on the up hill work I had to commence with – but the whole matter is infinitely below my wishes & I groan as I survey the work before me.

Sept 12 – The Chusan" steamer arrived yesterday & off tomorrow I believe - Our Diggings – no go - & the other Diggings not so well spoken of – want "new Diggings" worked, the old out – Mrs Rollason is gone.
Still arguing the question of increased stipends to teachers on the ground of attainments – great opposition – deferred for a month – A disaster! [indecipherable] that I could speak had the influence you possess but I possess neither – knowledge nor tact nor eloquence nor experience nor any one thing – save & except – the knowledge that I know nothing. O! wretched man that I am.
Mem: (Ed) – 75 Licences granted – up to this date no of children in [indecipherable] 2260 – The Inspector has £45-12-6 [indecipherable] given him for his horse Heavens! give me his salary. Our Insp is a good man – but a snuff.

[Page 137]

The Lamplighter’s Complaint
by
Freddy Torson - T’d Cawthorne –

Hokey pokey here’s a go
Whither the winds blow high or low
Up, down, in, out, I have to wot
The lights to kindle or one to blot
Oh! Willoughby – Willoughby Oh!
To Hindly Street I [indecipherable] go.
- Would exchange Adelaide dust
For the Cape’s blustering gusts
II
Then the vessels they all pass by
And alas! leave me alone to sigh
And on and off they stand all day
They make me yearn to be away
But pshaw! how sweet the smell
Of expiring lamps
As I sit in a dreamy spell
Or shiver in the cold night damps.

III
My sorrow is where am I to begin?
If scrub & rock – but minus gin
With the dull surf’s eternal war
A most dreary compounded bore
Hamper Hamper Damper bottle & Tea
Oh! where’s the pleasure for me
Who’s a bean at Ball or church
has doom’d to crawl and 6 ft lurch

[Page 138]

IV
I stare all day at heaven & sky
But scarce a change do I espy
Some saucy gull now flits on high
Cries "mew" to me, and squints goodbye
At night I wish to go to sleep
But scarce an hour I get to peep
Then for a watch I am perch’d as high
With spluttering lamps for a lullaby.
V
Sunday I want a sermon to hear
But shocking! There’s no God’s fear
And then for thinking I walk alone
And seek for gold amidst quartz stone X
Adelaide my belly my mind, my ball,
I remember thy last 3/6 ball
And whine with an expressive thrill
With all thy faults! I love thee still.

[X Alludes to the "Gold fever" then so rife.

Newspaper extracts at foot of page]

[Page 139]

[Duplicate page]

[Page 140]

[Printed extract]

[Page 141]

[Sketch at top of page overlaid with]:
1000 per day – Murder of J. Brown by the natives.

Sept 28 – 1000 per day arrive at Melbourne. It is feared that the greatest distress will be felt there shortly. The diggings are not rich enough for men’s desires – in a dreadful state of robbery - & crime – Had just an opportunity to write to the [indecipherable] Light – Also not having returned – Everything is horribly dear in Adelaide.

Oct 2 I have to record alas! – the death of a young man with whom I was acquainted many years. He was shepherd of his own & his father’s flocks (large) & was about realizing a handsome fortune – when he met an untimely end by being murdered by the natives. – near Mt Remarkable. – poor fellow – It will be the death of his mother. – He was a young Bushman – could iron a shirt – thatch a hut – mend his shoes – make a pair of trousers & as to culinary Bush science – I cannot enumerate his perfections – many years ago I slept with him in his own watch box – At about 1 am the wild dogs rushed the sheep – and he jumped – being in his shirt - & did not return until he scared with his oys – several of the neighbouring hills – He was most devoted to his sheep. Ehu.

[Sketch with inscription To John Brown age 23]

[Page 142]

near II (2) tons of Gold
A Bill - 130 Boys & 28 Girls

Oct 12 – The diggings in the sister colony – ever thronged with people – swarming – many are looking anxiously to their home, many of them not getting "wages" – I expect things will take a decided violent turn. The Escort has just arrived here with Ozs – 50,000 or over two tons of gold. – all on pack horses – The track being in such a state as no cart can go - Recd a letter from the diggings enclosing £ 20
-
Oct 16/52 Had a Bill (Hewit’s) of £36 – dishonoured - [indecipherable] thing – popped it in the Lawyer’s hands – I hate Bills - & never wish to have anything to do with them. This is the first - & I hope the last.
The Gold diggings here – are far from being productive – numbers leaving – it is [indecipherable] fine – must pay wages. Every thing is very dear but I trust changes will soon take place.
Mrs C. not confined yet!
Bd of Education so so. [indecipherable] old Cumming. Just recd a present of 6 large cowries – from the other side of the Gulf by Cr. Moran – he to whom I used to teach Greek! some years back –
My schools (P.S.Central) number – 130 Boys & 28 Girls - & next Monday I expect several more – It 9the Boys) will shortly exceed 150 – Oh! that I could teach them satisfactorily to myself. - Aye! it is a great task – who can know it – but a teacher –

[Page 143]

Birth Oct 31/52 about ½ 8 P.M.

Sunday Oct 31 1852. My dear wife was confined this evening of a boy – but most unhappily for us – the child – has a defect in its spine – a large tumour – something of that kind – Mayo (Dr) says it will sure to die – in other respects it is a fine large child well formed child – Alas! alas! – how melancholy a sight – a living yet doomed infant yet – is it not better to die so, than when we are 30 or 50 yrs old – again how much better to depart life now – than to drag on a miserable existence with the claws of death in your very vitals – the fangs of that great leveller – rooted in your heart’s blood – a plague to one’s self, & a nuisance to all around.
Fiat voluntas tua
Another extraordinary thing was - I was a [indecipherable] – No nurse – no doctor – no soul present by myself - & the child was born in my hands – this arose from the dilatoring of the nurse the medical man being out – I was nearly raving mad.

Nov: 5 – Baby still alive – cries much but whether from pain arising from its "Spinal Buffeter" – as the MD’s jargon is or not – we are unable to say - wont take the breast, after two days had to feed it with a spoon – fine looking child – am afraid it has not the use of its

[Page 144]

legs – His mother very well thank God
Registered its birth today preparatory to doing the same for its death. poor little thing yet – why poor – Are we not born to die – we are not born to live - Its quite a mistake – we come expressly into this life – to die – what matters then be it now or a little while to come – Life is made up – of birth & death – perplexing yet simple – profound yet shallow – deep – yet the fool understands it –
Dulce [indecipherable] sub [indecipherable] tegit –
Have just heard of from Kangaroo Island –

Friday Nov: 12 1852 – Baby still alive, had him baptized last evening alas! alas! It suffers very much, won’t take the breasts - & has not ate anything some 16 or 18 hrs - & screams every now & then – poor sufferer – this "spina Buffeta" – is a horrid sore – fearful to behold – The child was christened by the Dean William James. poor little one –
Tuesday - very unwell (self) – all day yesterday - & in fact the whole past week – been suffering from a severe cold – took last night pills & had a mustard plaster – fancied myself all night composed of 2 heads - & 12 bodies – my head in the most fearful whirl – got worse – vomited – etc – better towards the evening – but very poorly

[Page 145]

[Sketch] DEATH

Did not go to church or school – did nothing but reel about – my baby very ill -
Monday Nov: 15 – self very middling obliged to go to school – a pleasant day in prospect Tem: 1100 - & 120 children my little boy - a great deal changed
Kissed him for the last time – at 1 p.m. a message came* " - our little darling is gone" - our little darling is gone – the second within a couple of years – one comes – another goes – though anticipating it since its earth birth & though knowing that if it had lived – he would have been a cripple for life – we yet nevertheless feel loss of the child we had fondly looked forward to – as a beloved addition to our family – But the will of God than ours – we can only see on the one side - & know neither what is good or bad for us – May it be my eternal comfort to be reunited hereafter . Amen.
Tuesday Nov: 16th Very hot – hot winds & clouds of dust – Thermometer at about 120 or 125 – buried our dear little child - & [indecipherable] the cemetery a good [indecipherable] mile – our kind clergyman forgot us & we actually had to boost ourselves until 1 p.m. until we sent down a boy to remind him! Annie thought I had got sun struck – all my school waiting – I was very much annoyed – The expense for

* I was all day away at the Pulteny Street Central School, go at 8 1/2 am & return at 4 or 4 1/2 pm.

[Page 146]

funerals is exactly 100 per cent more now than last year - & than to get served – costs a great deal of trouble – It is has been a heavy affair for me –
Wednesday – Nov: 17 – symptoms of Influenza very prevalent – many children getting ill –
Thursday worse – I have more than 50 boys ill in bed or at home – several children dying –
Friday – self [indecipherable] very middling not recovered yet – severe cough - & queer 50 boys absent through colds –

Saturday – Went to the Bd of Ed: A Comttee of the L. Council has been appointed to investigate our reasons why we refused a licence to Jolly & O’Sullivan.
We are prepared to defend ourselves.
It is a vexatious case – the former was tried for theft - & the latter had made false returns under the Old act – as attested by a magistrate & is altogether a very unfit person - & so is Jolly.

Sunday. Nothing but coughs in the Church Bishop preached a long yarn about the Jews being gathered together - & this gathering commenced on the Day of Pentecost - & Mr [indecipherable] in the evening preached from the same text –

[Page 147]

Birthday 28

Tuesday Nov: 23 1852. Morphett Str Adelaide. S. Australia – he anniversary of my natal day – I now number 28 years of this mortal life – 7 yrs ago I was in Adelaide – a thin cadaverous individual – a more ardent devotee to the pursuit of knowledge, & a most wretched victim under extreme difficulties –
14 yrs ago I was treading the wine valleys & the baboon cliffs of S. Africa - & in love with Hansey De Leuuw – I remember kissing her – a tall fairy like Dutch "moie" ah! what a foolish boy I was – How ‘a [indecipherable] & splutter soft words to a girl [indecipherable] my height.
21 yrs ago – I had just entered Africa in a world all new – slavery – another language – with animals & adventure but too small to know or to remember much though the first month in Africa is distinctly in my memory – as well as one first interview with my father - -28 years ago – I was a fine baby boy, just entered into this world in a foggy [indecipherable] night. I cant remember that - but so I am informed.
In looking back through life I can distinctly trace the Hand of Kind Providence in [indecipherable] of apparently hopelessness & helplessness & in saving life on more than 3 distant occasions – (from a watery grave) bringing order & comfort & worthy blessings – Praise be his Holy Name - & His Son Jesus Christ – I have neither deserved it – nor have

[Page 148]

Abstract of New Year

I been sufficiently thankful for it - & though death – has twice made his appearance in illness – I have still to rejoice in a partner that is affectionate & sensible – good in health - & constitution - & loves her home - & in a dear boy –one only child – may God Almighty bless both –

Since the last birthday – the following have happened
Dec – Rapid decline in School attendances owing to the great exodus to the Gold fields expect to be ruined –
Jan Got frightened – decision to go to the diggings
Feb – Went & returned – very ill - & about £15 out of pocket. –
March – Got mother to live with us - & give up her school keeping – She went to Kangaroo Island to live - [indecipherable] thing at its last ebb
April – Opening of the New Assay Office for Gold – £ 8-11 – per oz – about £200-000 worth in the office.
May A step up in the World - Got appointed to a seat at the Ed: Board –
May - Went to the Levee at Govt House for first time
June – accepted the situation of the Hd Master to the Pulteney Str: Central Schools – This is perhaps is the most singular – as it was no seeking of my own – 90,000 oz deposited (of Gold) in one day One of my Boys very ill.
July – Great row and abuse against Bd of Ed. in the pub. Papers - & especially against poor self & my colleagues –
Aug – Discovery of a new Gold field in our country

[Page 149]

No 28 of life’s bit.

Sept – My conduct & efforts, giving great satisfaction to the Bd of Trustees in connection with my schools –
Oct – Schools increasing – new Board - sold my sheep 6 mos ago - & got paid £36. Got myself clear of Building Societies – with the exception of one - which owes me £29-4-0 & about £10 profit – that’s all on the right side – Deposited £30. in the Savings Bank - & paid all my little debts except about a couple of £’s. Thank God – saving up for my great debt of £200 to be paid next Sept 11. 1853.
Nov: Birth of a little boy - & death of the same – William James - & this brings me to my birthday –
In a monetary point of view – It has just been from hand to mouth – as well as paying off several nasty little a/cs of several £’s each. As to future prospects I am decidedly better off than I have ever been – as I believe I shall be enabled before next November (D.V.) to pay £78 or £100 off my mortgage a/c which when all paid (£200) I intend to think myself as good as any man in the World rich & independent - - When I am fairly clear of all debt – I intend giving up the girls’ school – I cant bear to see Annie slaving away and I think I can afford it

[Page 150]

Duke of Well: dead!

Dec: 1. Just heard per "Chusan" – that the Duke of Wellington is dead! – he died in his chair – calm & quiet – he was in his usual health the day before – paid a visit last Sunday to Miss Cook - The gig hire was £1-0-0! Just a hundred per cent upon what it was last year, had a very bad headache all day – having previously got wet feet on Saturday - it being a dreadful wet day – spent a most miserable day – in fact every day now – I am only more or less well – Giddiness in the head – queasy feelings in the stomach – oppressive sensations nervousness – are every day either all – or each uppermost – I dont know what will be the end of it – a Dreadful fire burst out last night – the most calamitous that has ever been in this colony – a stack of 6 stores & sheds all burnt – regularly "gutted it is burning yet – smoking – shocking sight –

Dec: 30 – Intensely hot – horribly hot – inconceivably hot – the hot winds are blowing hot blasts from a fiery furnace –
Returned with mother – from Kangaroo Island after a 19 days visit sundry adventures – a short Report of which will appear in the papers – found all well at Home - & two cheques 1 for £40 & another £30! – first sale. -

[Page 151]

First Ans [indecipherable]. P.S.C.S.

(Copy of Government land Sales)

[Page 152]

Another a/c

[Printed material]

[Page 153]

[Printed account from Daily Register] "Pulteney-Street Schools"

[Page 154]

[Printed extract from The Times.] "Annual Examination of the Pulteney-Street School.

[Page 155]

1853.

Sunday. Jany 16. 1853. Morphett Street – Adelaide S. Australia. Got an attack of "Rheumatic Gout" & have been confined to my room these 6 days – In the elbows – hands – Knees & ankles – as my legs are swelling I feel [indecipherable] easier – but as to when I shall be able to go out – I know not. It is a most vexatious affair. – I have also a breaking out in the neck & the backs of the hands – the inflammation is high – must have caught a cold – "Checked perspiration." says the doctor I begin to feel it also in the back. Oh dear!

Sunday Jany 27. – Am so far better that I rode down to my school yesterday & crawled back again – feel all the weaker for it to day – intend if alls well to walk down to morrow & back again It is a real blessing that I have so quickly recovered – may God grant a perfect recovery. – As I am still very weak & queer – Annie has had to take charge of the school & she has done it most admirably I engaged a man – but he is a muff - & leaves to day. –

[Page 156]

Saturday Feby 5 – So far recovered as to walk about without a stick - & tolerably quick – had a very nasty relapse on Wednesday – thought I was going to have a fever – thank God it only – after tearing me to pieces - cramped & rheumatised me for the succeeding days – attended at the schools with my wife as Head master – for I was but a poor crock – I do not know what I should have done without Annie and mother who came up for a holiday, has had to work like a slave – Got a letter from Lewis – advising of his having sent to me 7oz of gold worth about £25 to £25.10. The receipt* is lost by a rascal & I cant get it out of the Escort office - & perhaps never shall.

March 6. Mother is gone – went last Wednesday – poor woman - & with a heavy heart – no [indecipherable]– to be tossed about in a boat with no [indecipherable] – until tossed on the island – to live the life of a transport – dear me – I wish I was rich. To church & Sunday School as usual. 2 weeks ago went with [indecipherable] & Annie to the Waterfall - fatiguing Day & the Saturday following, an
*Escort receipt

[Page 157]

Bishops’ Departure/ read prayers

Express invitation to the Dean’s at this Bay – this cost me £1 which I begrudged. Spent the morning in shooting quail with the "Dean" – &the afternoon a stroll - returned. Want to get clear of the S. School. I have now served my time at it – more than 9 years.- & I would rather devote my energies to something higher. - but how I am to break it to Mr F & get away – I know not. We had last week a turn out with the S. School – Annual meeting – went off well – pleasantly – A man – Wright is to be hung next Saturday – he murdered a man on the Murray by stabbing him in the throat.

April 3 – the Bishop preached his formal sermon today – goes to morrow - in the "S Rackamapan" to England – I wish to heavens I was a Bishop – Bought a Danguerotype (I can’t spell the word, am going to make ½ a fortune by it & give the other half to a poor devil _N_m_ Gold & Gold Diggings, still all the go - Gold at £3.17.0 per oz. School 150 boys private schools good – health middling – wife & child well. Had to read prayers at last Wednesday evening, in the cathedrals! Gradually advancing peu a peu – God knows best.

[Page 158]

Grand turnout. Return from the Board of Ed:
Sketch

April 17 – Have had some severe weather doing sundry damage – inclusive of my house. Had a grand turnout at the P. Street School on Friday last in honor of Capt Allen’s Departure for England – as it will appear in the papers I’ll cut the slip out. Tired through the quantity of work to be done of last week - & to make matters worse – our servant was seized with hystericks & went out of her senses, poor girl – all night up – she is now removed from -

April 30 It never rains but it pours – got a bad cold – went down to the Bd of Ed: through heavy rains - & the first thing that was handed to me – was a letter from the Col: Leahy stating that His Excellency would at an early date appoint two "members to the Bd – in place of Messrs "Hansen (ad: General) & Cawthorne "who retire according to the Act– having attending the least number of times."
I attended 57 times & Hansen 3 & the chairman 52 – Wickes 53 - & so on. It is clear that I am off though they say it is a mere matter of form.
I would rather not have been on the Board – that to be served such a dirty trick – as not to be reappointed – which follows as a matter of course – but probably the Govr objects to Teachers being on the Bd altogether – this time 12 mos

[Page 159]

No longer member of the Bd of Ed.) New Secy – Mr Quick

I wrote in a very different strain –
I came home somewhat vexed in spirit - & who should I find but 2 men from the island - & with very indifferent news – My Father had had a row & discharged one of the Keepers – who was now full pace to the Trinity Board – to lodge his complaints & to get my father housed out - & so the great world wags.

Friday May 13 The deed is consummated – I am no longer a member of the Bd of Ed. – Last night’s gazette contains my successors – I’ll insert the papers in my Diary. There has been some underhanded influences – never mind – my philosophy supports me & I am contented.

June 2. Busy in getting up my ½ yearly examination of the P.S.C. Schools. The school is but middling – only about 130 Boys. I get but little out of it – going to ask for more – I only take 2/- out of 8/- the child’s fee – I want 2/6. Everything now is at least 70 to 75 per cent dearer - & meat will yet be 1/- per lb - Have joined myself to a clan to read Paley - & Pearson &c – Twice a week – I left formerly the T. Sunday School though I am still its Treasurer - & of course attend all the meetings. Mr Quick the

[Page 160]

[Skull & bones sketch] Miss Eliza Cook – Ex: & [indecipherable]

new Secy – is very active.

June 11 Death again – when will [indecipherable] be satisfied? - The offerings of 6000 yrs – are they not enough? - Oh! man that lives but to die? Ah! Soul which transcends Death – blessed are those when this life is over.- I attended the funeral of Miss Eliza Cook – of the school – who a 12 month since had an operation performed for cancer (3 altogether) in my [indecipherable] – poor lingering sufferer – she died so quietly & miserably that her sisters do not know the precise time of death – calm – gentle - & ever cheerful – she for 2 yrs has combated Death, gradually yielding to our mortal foe - & a few weeks back she was well enough to visit us – jointly with the doctor - Yesterday – the day was most rainy & got wet at the funeral – had to ride out to them.
Alas!
June 29 – Just had my ½ half yearly Ex. Also a row with the Trustees – about increase of salary want 3/- out of 4/- the present price they offer 2/6 & take 2/6 themselves – in fact trading on me – the correspondence is long – I gave them such a heap of facts & figures - that they were reduced to say – well we want to rebuild the roof etc – who can gainsay such arguments they might pull down the whole building & rebuild it. I was also opposed to their raising it at all am sure of a decrease – then what advantage will the additional d6 be to me?

[Page 161]

Vines. Ice!!! New Curate

I intend in the course of 3 mons either to resign or make comply with my request – I will now teach, at the rate of 7/6 per child.
Enjoying my holidays at home – Went to Cook’s for a day & cut 150 vines – the first I ever did in this country.
I saw yesterday – a piece of ice the first I have ever seen - - it was ½ inch thick & 48 x 9 in. large – it seemed to me just like a piece of plate glass – it is remarkably cold. It was the coldest morning even known in the colony.

July 10. Just heard a sermon from our new Curate – Mr Marrych – He reaches pretty well nothing brilliant – nothing original - tolerably plain & practical – alas! What is use of my passing this opinion if I do not profit by it? Man is an ass – a compounded misery – that which he would not do – he does - & that which he does he ought not to do - [indecipherable] with shame in my head of speculating (next year) in potatoes they are now £ 26 & 23 per ton – and putting aside the school we shall what the year brings forth. We are but creatures of circumstances - The Diggings are still exciting attention – Labour is dreadfully high – everything is very high - except the wages of schoolmasters – poor devils they are outcasts – the pariahs of society – be it so – as sure as there is the sun – the tables will be turned one Day - but not in my time.

[Page 162]

Sermon in a Church – Thebaton – I licensed catechist

July 17 For the first time in my life I preached a sermon in a veritable Church – the church of Hindmarsh – Mr Ross officiating as curate & Bishop. Had one of the wettest walks - this evening for many a long Day – mud indescribable felt my incapacity to meet the wants of the congregation – God forgive me for such presumption.

July 24 – Had to preach at Thebarton – clear at night – small congregation 38 adults & some children – preached also at the Gaol – the current seems to set one way – Must I follow it – or stem it? Anxious questions to me.
July 26 - Mr Quick behaved in a most extraordinary way to me to night in the Teachers meeting – shall never go again - as long as he is there, but he is a narrow minded fellow whose brains could go in a nutshell & then it would be difficult to find them – He is too contemptible to take further notice.
July 30 To day Mr Farrell formerly announced to me that the Registrar is making out my "License" as a Licensed catechist - what shall I say? There are many, very many questions - I have never yet undertaken anything yet without the distinct understanding with myself - to try to get at the top of it – But this Catechist system

[Page 163]

Unworthiness - Services £ 200 – 2/9

is a mere fill gap - Ah! Dear me – a great deal oppresses me – my own unworthiness – future prospects – health – ambition & my ignorance. Alas! Who is to help me? Who? -

August 11th. Sunday – Held service at the Gaol & Hindmarsh. The Antelope steamer just arrived – Gold diggings all the go still – Sunday services don’t suit me, or rather I don’t suit it I feel in a false position – alas my shortcomings – my sins, & my [indecipherable] my nervousness - & my altogether nothingness. May God forgive my presumption & not reward me after my iniquity.

Saturday Augt 27. In the course of 2 weeks I shall have to pay £ 200 that I borrowed 3 yrs ago. Thank God I have it to pay. The man wants me sadly to borrow a part & pay a part but no say I – pay all - & then I am free! No more 12/- per week, interest. I want to make various alterations & additions to my house & garden – I want also to go to Sydney & to England. I expect my income to be this year quite £ 600, also in 8 or 9 days – my row with the Trustees of the P.S.C.S. will be brought to a conclusion, either they give me 2/9 out of 4/- or I walk – they offer 2/6 – I am quite prepared for the alternative – I’ll not be imposed upon. They must get others – The "Lady August" Steamer has just entered the Murray River.

[Page 164]

Bks Bd of Ed: - 12 men - Resignation

Thursday Sept 1. The Books etc as ordered by the Bd of Education have just arrived. Am in quite anticipation of the Meeting on next Monday – which is either to end in resignation or staying - I don’t care which – if anything, I have an inkling to leave – I don’t like 12 men to come and tell me what I am to do – 12 heads to do what one head can do – it’s a farce & besides the bother & worry to contact Daily 120 boys in constant attendance & several girls - is no mean matter.

Wednesday Sept 7 In a great fight the chief priests & pharisees - (our Trustees) met – talked – decided that I should not have 2/9 but 2/6 & then I rose & said I resign my position "Do you wish that to be recorded on the Books?" I do – "now"? – now - & these walked out of the room & thus – the P.S.C.S. is mine no more after Dec 1 - All who have heard of it – are unanimous in condemning the Trustees mercenary conduct. - If I create a good income why should I not have it – at the same time that – they enjoy a larger revenue but priestcraft is at the bottom of it, it is [indecipherable] the sentiment [indecipherable] that wishes to crush mind - because I command a fine school.

[Page 165]

£200!! To England – chief priests etc Independence

Sept 10. Saturday – I open my diary to record – with Gratitude to God – that I have paid this Day – Redeem of £ 200 being the principal borrowed 3 years ago - & am therefore independent – of friend & foe. It’s a great blessing – for in this world, a man must be independent to be respected.

Saturday night Sept 24/53. Think of seriously going home to England. - I think the longer I stop the worse it will be – the less chance of escaping – My resignation at P.S.C.S. seems to offer a good opportunity - I am getting old & I have seen nothing of the world yet.

Tuesday Sept 27/53 – Just returned from a meeting of the Teachers. The chief priests & pharisees as usual usurp all honor & glory - & power & dominion – I feel too vexed to Detail the arrogance – We resuscitated a meeting (Quarterly) for the Teachers & the priests must step in – take all the honor & glory – as far as I am concerned – I’ll never become a tool to them nor anyone else
"Independence my spirit let me share
"had of the lion heart & eagle eye
"I follow thee with my bosom bare
"And heed not the storm that howls along the sky."
It makes me quite poetic:

[Page 166]

Important proposition – perplexity

Oct 6. In a great perplexity – The Dean advises me to go to England for 2 years - & educate myself for the ministry – he’ll give all necessary papers & other documents – but the question is – how am I to go, that is - where is the money? I offer to sell my house – but he advises the mortgage & he’ll get the money at 10 &per cent; but another question arises – am I called to it? – am I following the line of Duty? - Will God bless such an undertaking? - If I were sure of these points – nothing else would prevent me - [indecipherable] of the religion of Christ be worth anything – it is worth everything – house & land - & everything but again – I am old – that is another serious objection – but alas! I am in a great perplexity. My inclinations would prompt me to go, & to make the sacrifice but am I certain I am doing my Duty to wife & child? Ah me! This all arises about the dispute of 3 with the Trustees.
Saturday Oct 8 – The Dean has again seen, argued & urged upon me to go – but the time is so great – what am I to do with Annie – how to pay the money when I come back. Can I not do as much good in another way – say give 10 % of income to the Church? At one time I resolve to go, at another - I feel loth - Wont the climate kill me – only think of Zero - & I can neither eat – think or sleep in cold. Is not self at the bottom? Vanity & pride.

O Lord guide me.

[Page 167]

Houghton – England – Rev Marryatt –

Sunday Oct 16. – Just returned from Houghton – 14 m. away NE – walked there & back – Started Friday afternoon with Hansen – Saw for the first time the Gooseberries growing - & raspberries – Very heavy roads – impassable – the great dispute is whether Tea Tree Gully or Ausley’s Hill is to be the line of road – this is the great question – the great squabble – all mankind there – are divided and disputing – they dream talk - & preach about it –
As to the matter of England – I might say – the matter is settled. – I go. – with this promised that if things cannot be carried out so pleasantly as anticipated I return directly. –

Thursday – Oct 20 – Just spoke to Revd – Mr Marryatt – about my going home to Eng. didn’t seem very friendly to it – said he’d rather see me at Pulteney – I dont like the idea – of going home upon spec: I should like all the clergy agreeable to my ordination. Not some hold back - & some hold on – either all or nothing cum caesar aut nullus – I pray God to direct me aright – for it is His work & man has nothing to do with it – may I do that which is right –

Oct 24. Just returned from Thebarton evening service – The nearer I draw to my Departure – the less I feel inclined to go
– oh Annie! Annie! -

[Page 168]

Birthday. 29th
* In allusion to the dispute with the trustees of P.C.S.S.
Nov. 6 – Verging on to my 29th Birthday It scarcely seems possible that I am going away for 2 yrs – surely I shall never return – 3 * pence will either be my good luck – or my evil fortune The Trustees meet tomorrow – when they will be informed of my visit to England
Will they give me £10 – as a gift? I question it – although through me more than £80 will be in the Bank at the end of the year – i.e. money earned by me – which in their whole experience they have never equalled. –

Nov:18 – I am not going to England – Revd Woodcock says that if I go – I must stay 3 yrs - this I cannot do. Would it be right to leave house & home & family for such a period? – I am disappointed – I confess – but circumstances alter cases We know not what a Day may bring forth. –

Wednesday November 23. 1853
Morphett Street Adelaide. S. Australia.

Today completes another year of life – I am now [indecipherable] – 29. I finish the 20’s - & enter the 30’s – I am nearly half a life over the pleasures that usually attend this side of 30 – have never been mine – Life has gone on in a middling degree -

[Page 169]

If I have not had its pleasures – I have also escaped its sorrows – I have not made a fortune yet – although I am thankful in no ordinary degree for what I have – I have a house & land worth about £1000. I am not in debt - & at the end of the year expect a few pounds in hand -.
My health during the year has been very middling – heaven's knows what it is – what makes it so – I believe it is the want of exercise – indigestion &c. –
Visited Kangaroo Island & got the gout. Left the Trinity Church S. School after so many years connections. –

Been licensed as a "Catechist" in connection with the Church –
Left the Bd of Education –
Resigned any positions at P.S.C.Schools. Made no improvement in my personal education –
Paid my mortgage money £200. Nearly off to England for the purpose of getting ordained. only slipped at the Eleventh hour –

[Newspaper extract] Pulteney-Street School – Capt. Allen’s Farewell Treat.

[Page 170]

- 1854. 1854 –
- Yearly Ex. of P.S.C.S. 1853 –

Jany 8/54 A new year – a happy new year – Just returned from a trip to Kangaroo Island - & with my usual luck – nearly got drowned – wife & child with me - besides three 3 boarders - & Mr Fooks – dreadful gale with Thunder storms – nearly all wrecked in sight of the Light house – fearful situation – was 5 days going & 3 returning but poor holidays altogether Father & Mother came back with us – right glad to get back – opened school on Wednesday the 4th – with 80 boys & 13 girls – poor accounts – Bd of Ed – raised amount £10- more to my stipend – the Exam: of my schools I subjoin –

[Newspaper extract part of] "Pulteney-Street Schools, the half-yearly exam"

[Page 171]

[Newspaper extract] – Pulteney-Street School – Capt.Allen’s Farewell Treat.

[Page 172]

[Newspaper extract in full] "Pulteney-Street Schools, the half-yearly exam"

[Page 173]

War

Feby 10/52. Father went away 3 days ago to Kangaroo Is: but after knocking about at the Port was obliged to return the little vessel not starting
The Russian & Turkish war is making a great stir at home
The diggings are about the same the yield is not perhaps quite so great –

Feby 19 – My wife’s Birthday She is 23 – fat & happy wish I could say the same of myself. I am lean & miserable.

Saturday – Mar. 16 – The sound of War has gone forth – Russia & Turkey & Eng & France – against Russia – All Europe in a blaze the most dire consequences are apparent - & expected – Will it reach here?
Thats the question – God knows – for while we sleep in security – the next mail may bring us a declaration of war – ah! Who then shall be our great men – Nelson – is gone & Wellington is not - & our councils at home seem to be divided – we look with great anxiety for the next mail – our news is up to Jany 9. – May the war soon be ended & may the Russians get particularly licked

[Page 174]

[Newspaper public notice extract]

Wages - & goods - & bread & meat – are at dreadful prices – I wish I were a blackfellow – for clothes & wood & water & all the abominations of refined life ruin one. – The Gold diggings disturb everything – there is no peace –

Tour to Kangaroo Island
Dec. 1852
Having determined to visit the Island – hired passages in the "Breeze" cutter 18 tons. – accompanied by Mr Fooks Wife – Freddy – Miss Harris (boarder) Benjamin Todd & John Grosse (boarder)
Went to Port acc. to order & found the cutter had met with an accident – had broken her deck – had to come back, much annoyed at not being informed whereby we should have saved time & expense – Went on Saturday - & after spending the living day sauntering about – started at length with two add: pass. for Tankalilla in the evening - went so far as the "inner Bar" – had to sleep anyhow on the cargo – passed a most supremely wretched night – tormented to Death with mosquitoes –

[Page 175]

half yearly Ex PSCS June 24 1853
This ought to have been put in earlier but better late than never -
(Newspaper extract on Pulteney street schools, varying from previous on page 172)

[Page 176]

A slap at the Bd of Ed:

[Letter to the Editor] – "The Board of Education."

[Page 177]

[Newspaper Extract] – "Our present educ"

[Page 178]

[Newspaper extract] – Saturday, July 17 1858.
Secy Bd of Ed

[Page 179]

[Newspaper extract – a response to previous Letter to the Editor]
Secy Bd of Ed

[Page 180]

[28, 1853 Newspaper extract]

[Note in right margin]
a reply.- by Mr [indecipherable] Secy Bd of Ed:

[Page 181]

April 14-15-&16 – At the Murray River via [indecipherable] Mt Torrens – Bakers Rd station Reedy Creek mine & the Murray shot ducks – saw many swans geese pelicans & 1000’s of ducks took several sketches – went through the mine – travelled by myself – met at the mine Mr Kay of Mt Charles – Mr Clarke Mr Harford. – a lawyer. – a pleasant trip – rode each day about 40 miles.

Apr. 22- Went to the Port and Torrens Island in a boat – with Robertson & Byrd & B. Todd: - wind too strong – to be pleasant shot a few shags
Russian War all the topic

May 14. War! War! The "Madran" just in brought news to 11 March – a fleet for the Baltic – had sailed – 30 Eng & 20 French, 6 days had been given to Nicholas – to consider the allies’ ultimatum – talk of a militia here – all men’s minds & views disturbed. When is it to end - some think a few months – some several years. – Revolutions are rife all over Europe – Italy.- Hungary, Poland. –
Well war will give some promotion – take off the surplus. There is plenty to do. I think our colony will suffer by it.

[Page 182]

May 24 – Queen’s Birthday – squibs & crackers afloat – police - & priests parading about – Govt – Levee - & Green’s Land sale – business & pleasure – have determined upon two things – to resign my license as lay catechist – the letter is written & to leave P. School – where I do not get enough pay - & the trustees too much – making a regular profit out of me –

June 11 – Resigned my license as catechist – Mr Farrell very angry others very sorry – no one says "glad of it" Alas! what am I to do – Mr F says go to England – easily said – Mr Woodcock says no stop here – I am tossed to & fro alas! it has ever been my lot – to rely upon myself – it is a most difficult position – How true is Butler’s analogy – upon one act my future life depends – O! God direct me – into all truth. –

Mother went away – poor Mother – June 5th – Annie is not yet confined – hourly expected though
Today (Sunday) – opening of the new Harmonium – select sermons – collections &c... Woodcock in morning – Bagshawe evening

[Page 183]

Volunteer – Legis Council
A Baby! – a Baby! [indecipherable] Court
a Pamphlet on Ed.:

June 30 – at 10’mins to 8 P.M. – my fourth child was born – a very large baby – another Freddy. – mother ill – Spent an anxious week

July 5 – alls well – though still ill - & anxious –
a very fine baby - a boy – we are going to give him a native name – Willowith – or Mullawirra – or [indecipherable] some laugh some scorn & some commend – but I intend having my way – Charles – Mullawirra Cawthorne. Mullawirra being the name of King John the Chief of Adelaide –
July 31 We have just celebrated the Fast day - [indecipherable] an account of the War –
July 28/54 The new Hd: Master of the [indecipherable] school just arrived – I have just completed - a Pamphlet on the Ed. of the Colony - but will in about 6 days – with a view to publication as well as a card of introduction to the Govr. as I intend to apply for the situation of second Inspector – should it offer – the Legislative Council has just been opened for its 5th session - & most likely last– a militia Bill is to be passed forthwith -. & 200 850 volunteers are asked. -

[Page 184]

"Night & Morning" "Gold" Inspectorship War

Augt 24/54 I have been just reading a novel "Night & Morning" but they begin to have no charm for me – their sentimental philosophy is specious – not real – they appeal to a sentiment the product of philosophic art – not nature. &c
Had just sent a parcel to Kangaroo Is & the vessel got wrecked – man broke his leg – Just heard that Gold had been found near Gawler Town – a man came in with 7 lbs weight – trying hard & fail to get the new Inspectorship of Schools – [indecipherable] – but poor hopes, of success so much confounded favoritism - & I am too proud to ask & beg & whine.

Thursday Sept 14. 1854 –
War! War! – things seem to prosper on our side Napier is within 20 miles of "[indecipherable]"
- & the Black sea fleet is cruising before "Sebastopol" – We are forming here in the colony Volunteer corps shall volunteer in the course of a month – no news from mother. The last little cutter that went got wrecked – Went ashore in the night - & was matches by the morning the vote for another inspector not passed yet – When the L.C. passes it then I wait upon the Govr - & do all I can – move heaven & earth to get it.

[Page 185]

"Baby" Rain Good Hailstorm

My baby all well thank God – have some hopes of rearing him – he is a fine child. This year have paid some attention to my garden – it is getting on very well – but this season is fearfully dry – little or no rain has as yet fallen. The Bishop is expected in Oct – next month.

Monday Oct 2 1854 A great storm of hail & rain visited the city – unprecedented in the colony. - The hailstorms were frequently an inch – 1 ½ in diameter – smashed all the gardens – ruin amongst the rest - & the damage in glass windows is immense – it is calculated that £ 1000 wont cover the damage in broken panes. Trinity church had 125 broken – Te Weslyan chapel – quite 100 (small panes). The Govt Treasury had all smashed – it was dreadful – the whole town was flooded & neither man nor beast could stand the pelting. The average run of breakages was 9 out of 12 panes. Glass has "ris". It [indecipherable] extended beyond Adelaide. All houses with a westerly aspect were damaged – my verandah protected me. my garden utterly destroyed – the noise on the roofs & verandahs was inconceivable – Dreadful horse bolted - one wooden house was beaten down – nothing could face it.

[Page 186]

Baby’s name is "Charles Wittowitto Cawthorne"

Saturday Oct 21 1854 – Going to have a grand party! – in honor of our baby’s christening – for the other two were baptized unto Death! Yes Death the one two hours before and the other a day - alas!
- Very hot day & season -

Another time – How perplexing are the ways of Knowledge – who more ardent than myself - & yet with all I know (how little!) I wish that I were utterly ignorant – yea ought I not to arise knowledge – How true is Solomon! All is vanity!
There is no certitude – all is relative – dogmatical - variable. Mathematics only are true even Theology is a mere mass of opinion – alas! Astronomy is probably true – Geography a mere catalogue of names – Geology tolerably true but may after all be on a totally wrong basis – & History – What I say & you say - & they say.
Chronology – all gammon – chemistry matters of fact. Education – the way the wind blows – so the tree grows. Law – neither equity nor Justice Medicine – just born – Truth nowhere – but error everywhere
and man dogmatical
– ah!

[Page 187]

Birthday, the 30th Nov: 23 1854

Nov 23. 1854. Morphett Street, Adelaide. South Australia

Sing O! runs a wretched lay
For ah! Tis my natal Day.

The older I grow – the less I think of myself – of others - & all things in this world. - My reflections become sadder & as my wisdom – heaven! Forgive the assumption of such a word – increases - my love of things is curtailed. I see satisfaction nowhere - Religion is my only consolation - & there, O Creator - what doubts, & fears assail me & thus I am reduced to deny all things – to assert nothing & kneel down before the illimitable sky – in this attitude of faithful prayers – trusting finally in God always.

Tis gone in Times insatiate maw
The 30th forever & ever more

My youth - what has it been
Trouble, a vain struggling.
An insane aspiration
A killing vexation
an exasperation
Groundless expectation

[Page 188]

Birthday 30th

An endless gyration
In things unknown
In things unseen
In things sublime
Lord! How my mind wanders when I talk of things I know not – Ever learning, & ever remaining foolish ever seeking – never finding – ever thinking - & never realising – give me but the key - & what will I not do for Truth's sakes. There is nothing certain but mathematics – Aye that’s certain vide XLVII [indecipherable]

Ah! Lord God - aid & pity.
Ah! Saviour of men – lead me into all truth – that I may glorify thy name - & spread truth. Ah! Holy Spirit dwell with me that I may be purified.-
Since last Birthday - I have become richer - though – it is still from hand to mouth – probably 150 £ have been added to my name in the shape of additions – furnishings & furniture. School has been pretty middling. Still grumbling about the little I got from P.S. School – My wife & children are pretty well in health. The last baby a fine fellow.

I am looking out for an inspectorship but I suppose I shant get it. - What a mystery life is? Is man born to be a shopkeeper? What is the object of life?

[Page 189]

Party Wottowitto christened – procession – Allan Bishop’s arrival

Nov 24/54 Our boy baptised this day by Farrell
Charles Wittowitto –
In the evening - grand party at my house! Mark the first I ever gave - 15 present - to commemorate – my 30 years & the christening. Women will have their way – it must be so.
Parties are all humbug ie, to me. I am an irrational animal – travel & nature are my pleasure, but this I am denied.
Saturday
Nov 25/54 Bishop arrived – all hands ahoy! Ran to the Port on horseback at a splitting pace nearly run over the women – a Dozen carriages – horsemen – college boys &c – all in a row – grand procession – Bushels of dust & tons of heat – grand singing at Church – prayers – [indecipherable] – alls well – came out in ship "Albemarle".

Same day the Rev Mr Allan, clergyman caught at the Murray – in Blue shirt &c - He kept a sch in the country – having some of the most respectable chil. in the coly, got into some abominable practices with the boys – lewd - vicious – shocking - it got wind – he bolted for his life -

[Page 190]

"Wood" Farrell’s departure

was hunted for the last mth & just caught – and just as the Bishop arrived – heaven's knows what the punishment will be – in old time it was burning. He was the Hd Master of the College for a long time, & the Bishop’s favourite – alas! Alas! The celebrated Teacher "Wood" of Edinburgh had to fly his country for the same crime. It was the general wish that he should have escaped. The exposure will be dreadful. He has been committed & will be tried at the sessions.

Tuesday 28 Nov – all agog. The Dean is off to England via Paie de Galle – saw him off went at 1pm on horseback. Got to the Port – went down to him the [indecipherable] – decks crowded – Miss Catherine Hayes on board, who just had a concert & realized £ 500 – most noted – singer
Steamed out to "Norma", 6 [indecipherable][indecipherable]
Light ships – left at [indecipherable] – caught one of the Ballarat Bank robbers in the last moment – cheered & [indecipherable] fired 2 cannons – pulled a [indecipherable] home & arrived at ½ past 10 – all right.

[Page 191]

1855 – New yr – Island - To England – Music

Jany 21/55 – A new yr – I am now lazy to celebrate the new year – by a page of writing – what are New Years – a new anything else –
I am under great disappointment. I nearly got the 2d inspectorship - within an ace – but ironically Govt clerk has got it. I have [indecipherable] 1.5 appts but he got it.
Been to the island & back, brought mother with me – got greatly perplexed, had to get off the island because the vessel left me - & did not return until 5 days over time. -

Very busy in the church about a new Ecc. Constitution – meeting in Synod.-

Feby – all agog to go to England – I feel wretched at not having got the inspectorship – everybody exclaims against it – it was a job – The fellow who has it – is a mere gambling billiard player – so much for raising the standard of education.

Just been hearing some divine music – Beethoven – how divinely attuned must that soul be that can compose such strains – how beatific must Heaven be where such sounds pervade for ever.

[Page 192]

To England – 2 Inspectorship – Lindeyling - [indecipherable]

Feby 7-8 Hard at work painting &c – must go home – I am getting old – I may have more family – it is barely possible now – it will be impossible thereafter – yet have my doubts of the propriety of leaving my wife & children.

Every body says I ought to have had the 2 Inspship – a shameful job – rascally favoritism – The fellow says he knows nothing about it – yet he gets it.

Mar: 18 Mother went to the Island on the 8th and 9th of this month – to the island in the "Gem".
Everything is very dull in Adelaide School wretchedly bad.
I have given up the Sunday evening service at Thebarton – which I have conducted since June/53. My children & wife are all well. We are still without a Governess. War is the all engrossing subject. The regular steamers have been taken off the colonies to meet the exigencies of the war.
Have given up the idea of going home – but am entertaining another – a very long cherished one – viz – turning sheep farmer - for I can’t bear the thought of keeping school all the

- Dissatisfied –
-
days of my life - besides I have been disappointed - 1st - in the Priesthood - & 2nd - in the Inspectorship.
Miss Gibbs, Governess of the P.S.C.S. was married last week – she is now Mrs Miller – a farmeress – near Hughton.
Finances very low.
Continued wet weather – Earthquake in N Zealand.

Another time: If one gets dissatisfied with anything – he never prospers. So it is just now with me – School has no more attraction. There was a time that I was enthusiastic – even the laughing stock of my friends – was to some extent recognised as the champion of public Ed: & spoken of as such by the Govt & the papers – but a revulsion of feeling has come over me that impels me to leave it - & that as quickly as possible – which by God’s help I will. If I can at all succeed in my proposed scheme.
Mr Byrd, who went to Melbourne I have written to – asking him to join with me, I daily expect an answer. I shall have a fortune in 10 yrs – but as I am – I shall not get one in 10 hundred yrs - & I have a family.

[Page 194]

The Synod

Apr: 15/53 We are all agog about the new Constitution just promulgated by the Bishop, to be held, or whatever it is under a Synod – of Bishop. Clergy & laity. We wont have them – we opposed them at the Vestry on the 10 inst. jolly strong – no laws ecclesiastical, no Synod – no puseyism – no popery – we renew the row this week – we beg to show all, & sundry- we are not to be imposed, bamboozled - [indecipherable] – gammoned - or frowned down – I believe I am to be excommunicated – I said in Mutiny, that Synod meant schism. The Bishop has bolted for 6 wks into the country & when he returns – he will find the Cathedral Church actually refusing to do as he commands – repudiating the Synod. The papers are at it. The apple of discord has already been flung amongst us. The Bishop had no business to disturb the church, but he’ll be taught a lesson little anticipated.

Apr 22/53 Last night had a good mutiny of T Ch [indecipherable] to argue the "constitution" for a Synod - & carried the Day – i.e. we opposed it - tooth & nail - we spoke out, no mincing the matter – two M.L.C.s were present – 2 or 3 doctors - & several leading men – we are determined to have no Synod.

[Page 195]

Synod

May 8 at the "Constitutions & Trust Deed" again – now a good meeting of the Vestry – speakers - Kingstons M.L.C. Cawthorn – Mayo – Hart – Tomkinson – Gorse - &c carried and passed by a large majority – viz - that we should not in any way recognise the Synod by not sending up synodsmen – this propn I had the honor to second - being the propn of the night – as soon as it was known the next day – the people were taken by surprise – it was such a bold stroke – such an unmistakeable position – no doubt was left as to what the Trinity folks thought of the "Const & Deed"- forthwith another meeting was summoned that is a General meeting of all Laymen – accordingly I attended (for 4 hours) a preliminary meeting, yesterday of the same – May 12 – when the various resns were passed & speakers appointed.

Had an General Meeting – went off capitally – a death blow to the Synod – large attendance - [indecipherable] in the Chair, on the 19th the synod met – & lo! The bishops retracted everything, cancelled everything & they are now asking for the Trinity folks to elect their Synodsmen – the Bishop very cross - preached a most

[Page 196]

chiding service – text: "He that "seemest religious & bridleth not his tongue &c &c see James Epis. All the people at the ch. stared at each other.

The "Northwark" has just been wrecked- no lives lost – a shameful affair – better news from the War – nevertheless – our army sings very small alongside the French.

Had another Meeting & lost our point by 3 votes – rather vexed - but our opposition has done infinite good – it has ended in primarily upsetting & repudiating the "Const & Deed". The whole has to be done over again – We the minority - Kingston – Mays - Hart – self – Woodfords & host of others walked out, when the point was decided against us.

Annie very unwell. Baby got the hooping cough – School suffering from want of funds. Bread 1d per half loaf meat equally high – Christ Ch – just been enlarged, reopened, with puseyite services. - so much for Woodcock – one extreme fellows another. Beautiful rain – another wreck or stranded vessel reported – feel more & more determined to try my fortune at Kang. Island but great difficulties in the way.

[Page 197]

My prospects – Our health

June 22 1855 – Wife better – baby worse – myself middling – my health is not good – heavy expenses – school middling – meditating a retreat to the Island – Everybody says – I wonder how it is – that island is not settled – fine healthy island &c
Water is the great want – I want to take a cattle run in it - & in ten yrs time I shall be rich – but at the present rate – while I enjoy a good house - &c – I have daily a headache - & a growing & increasing dislike to teaching children – I have been 18 yrs at it – But then again prudence steps in - & speaks of risk - uncertainty, difficulties &c &c & I am naturally cautious - & then I think from ministerial predilections - & contrast it with riding after a mob of bullocks! & I sigh! – If I go, I must sink £500 – 3 yrs of patient labour – before I can get a farthing return. – but after that it increases in proportion – the profits.
June 23 1855 Just offered my resignation to Dr Mayo – next door – for £1200 – half down - & half credit – he has nearly accepted it – if he does – I am off to Kangaroo Island – next week - & arrange about going there – either way – I shall go if possible. – I think that an inheritance of a good cattle station to my children is far better to all schools - & school keeping

[Page 198]

Resignation Lost 10£!!!!!!

July 8.- The Trustees of the P.T.C. Schools – have turned the school into a regular Church - & appointed a curate. Therefore I am determined to leave – I have written my resignation - & the reason is – because such metamorphosis has narrowed the School’s influence - & hence my pocket – it is now no longer a school but a school held in a Church. – this is contrary to the Trusts - & so with one thing & another – it is better for me to leave – St Lukes’ Church has just had an opening Tea. It happened to be on a night – most rainy – tempestuous – windy - & disagreeable – still it went off well -

July 28 – I have to record one of my greatest misfortunes ever happened to me – I lost a Ten pound note two or three days ago. - How I cant tell – for it was one of a bundle & was only once disturbed Many believe with me, that the Bank never paid me, it. –‘Oh dear – I have never ceased grieving – it has quite taken the "shine" out of me – 20 yrs @ 10/- per annum – in losses, would only equal it – It would have bought me a big coal or bag of flour – roofed my kitchen – a pair of boots - & my wife a gown! O dear – I who am so careful – ever I – to lose 10£ I have not slept. – I cant sleep – a frenzy comes over me at times - & I fancy it must be still in my pocket - & for the millionth time I feel it

[Page 199]

Read a paper before Ph. Society on the N.W. Resigned P.T.C.S
Bought land in Vic. Sq. - Sebastopol

I every now & then wander near where I suppose I lost it – I shall never forgive myself & never forget it – It is all through the confounded Bishop – The Teller of the bank was speaking to me about him in very decided terms. I sympathised with him never counted the notes & lost £10.-

July 28. Read a paper on the N.W. Region &c. before the Ad: Philo. Socy. I append it – many attended – adj – to next month – Govr to attend. – Caused quite a sensation - why? Impossible to say – anyone might have done it – mere facts & theories.- mere reading & thinking
Still on about my 10£ & still of opinion that a Kang. Is. Boarding School worth it – will – i.e. pay.- I shall try it.

Augt. 14. Done the deed – Left – P.T.C.S.
Bt a piece of land 30 x 80 for £189. Leased it rather with right of purchase. & commenced building 30.[indecipherable] by 17-h. & go into it in Octr.
People say – you have done right. Trustees say no. It is too long a yarn to write all about it now – the Resignation the meeting & the advertisements. Who cares whether I go or stay – whether I build or pull down – Whether I go to jail, or stop out –
There is going to be a new Election (Senate) Papers are full of it – meetings here & there & everywhere – Sebastopol not taken yet – affair out – money tight. & so Good night

[Page 200]

General Election 2nd paper N.W. Groser dying & drawing his funeral! £10!!! Constitution of the ch.

Aug 3d/55 – Adelaide crammed from end to end about the Elections – about 2 houses – 1 house – responsible Govt. – daily meetings – the papers are full of it nothing is talked of – but politics.
Progressing with my Building 5ft high – Next Monday they elect a new Master for Pulty -Sch. Read my second paper on the N.W. Region to the Phi. Society - & also a Lecture to the Thebarton Debating Socy.
The Govr is taking the matter of the N.W. into consideration – The Govr paid my school a visit & examined the Boys –
Poor Groser is nearly gone – he is a queer chap – he incessantly talks about his funeral – though unable hardly to articulate – I found him supported in bed drawing his funeral procession. One of his boys noting the paper for him – he has already crudely sketched – 3 or 4 coachmen & the hearse - & 1 or 2 horsemen - !!! can such a state of mind be levity – philosophy or Christianity? – I am selling all my Books - & all my pictures if necessary – I must make a sacrifice for my building – draws – good deal of money. – It is a heavy matter.
I still cant forget the sad loss of my £10. – what a help it would be! Only myself knows sad. sad. – This Constitution for the Church has again been passed but with many alterations, & additions

[Page 201]

Sabbath – attended a deputation to the Govr on the N.W.
Wheeler bolted.

Sept 9 Sunday – I frequently profane the Sabbath by writing my diary – but now in my 31st year – I feel so hampered with one thing & the others – with the desires of the flesh, the world & the devil – that I have little or no time to write nonsense
- On Friday last – I attended as one of a deputation – to the Govr at Govt house – upon the subject of the N.W. region – Babbage – Bonney – Garran Clark & Cawthorne - Deptn – As I was standing in solemn conclave before the Govr – in his spacious – comfortable & luxurious library – I thought of my own littleness - & utter nothingness - & the gulf between seemed as deep as that betwixt heavn & hell. – yet I speak not in the sense of complaint – but as things struck me . – The Govr is a tall man – I don’t like him – he continually wriggles – uneasy brute as we say of horses – not – like his Secy.
My boarder John Wheeler – after being with me 13 mos. ran away – only for the cause of my ordering him to stop in Sch. during the dinner hour – to learn his lessons. he actually commenced - & I suppose completed it by this time – 105 miles [indecipherable]. It was a most vexatious affair cost me 15/- for horse hire & to no purpose. How it will end I know not – I am conscious of having acted properly, & I trust his uncle may thrash him well & send him back – he is a bush boy –

[Page 202]

Selling Bks – gun Piano &c The Bishop Groser is dead Debt 150£ and 23£

hence his ease – in starting on a journey 100 miles – by many it was supposed he was lurking in the town – the ungrateful dog.-
In the pupa state – from the grub to the butterfly – or perhaps the reverse – heavy expenses – very – I am sad in consequence – a £100 is no small sum to raise – I am selling all my books – gun – pictures &c &c – When there is a storm – one must reef the sails – It is a great venture! The battle of the giant the dwarf.

The Bishop is getting into worse & worse repute – owing to his grasping spirit –

Sept 39 1855 – Groser is dead - & buried I followed him – he is one of the old colonists – for the 5 mos. he has been ill – the rascally doctors charged 50£. – In the next world there are no doctor’s Bills – look out M.D.’s.
I leave P.S.C.S. on next week – My new sch. room is finished – great fuss – it is a great jump. - £ 150 laid out - & only 23£ my own – I sell therefore all my books – our piano &c – it is hard work – but I must put the best face on - & pluck up courage – for what I have accomplished I am piously thankful – my energy surprises them.

[Page 203]

Wheeler. Election over – Row with the Des. girls 800
tomorrow

The Boy Wheeler returned – the Elections are over. & the new Council will sit on the 9 of Oct. – We have had a grand row with the Irish girls – 800 of them - at the recent elections the Irish of West Ad: used their sticks - & it required 50 pol - & 15 horse police to put the riot down. nearly killed Moorhouse the comptroller –

Oct 7. Tomorrow – I commence on my own account! – I have erected a new school room & have involved myself pretty considerably all on spec. I have left P.S.C. S. It is a great jump - & a daring one. – some blame me - & more praise - me – I have just had an interview with the Bd of Edn, I am afraid I shall be sadly shackled for the want of money, I wish to heavens I was clear of school keeping. – I have just passed through a time of great mortal anxiety. – But having health & strength – I have enough – God be praised. – They pushed! push’d me but they have to sing another song now –
Went to the Hospital this aftern & read & prayed in the wards. Mr Marryatt also – It is a long time since I have been there. – Poor invalids how I pity them – how helpless we all are. – May their souls be comforted. All so glad to see me – If I were worthy.

[Page 204]

War. 3 wks in new Sch. Row with the Bd.

I have had quite a row with the Bd. of Edn. I refused to give my att. Bk. – letters – looks - & threats –

Oct 27/55. The war with Russia still drags on its weary length. Sebastopol is not taken, nor is it likely it ever will be. – They talk of raising the siege & commencing open field work – fighting the enemy on the open plain – This ought to have been done a long while ago. – There are more than 200,000 troops – Eng, French – Sardinians & Turks in the Crimea – surely these could beat as many Russians – I think England boasts too much.
The great Baltic fleet has done nothing more than last on – at Cruistadt – the utmost they can do. – Stone walls are strong. - & wooden walls are awkward things – an invading army would do better – there is some talk about it. –
I have now been 2 wks in my new school – as far as it has gone I am satisfied – the attendance about 58 to 61 – But I pray God – to be delivered from school keeping.
I look with longing eyes upon my emancipation – though what I am to do I hardly can tell. Shall I go to Eng? Shall I write a book with pictures? Shall I go to Kang Island?

[Page 205]

Opening of L.C. Academy middling Ex. to the N.W. Grand regatta – with grand storm

Nov 4 This month is my Birthday – a sorry day – what have I up to the present time? – much in one sense & little in another. ah’s me.
The 2 session of the Legis. Council was opened on Nov 1, grand doings – ladies & soldiers & police – gentlemen & grocers - &c all in a row - & the Govr holding his head down, & looking as if he would shrink into his shoes.
My school middling. 11£ last month – not much God knows -
Since yr 53 my income has gradually decreased – my income this year will be £ 400. I feel much inclined to go on this Expn to the Interior – some say I ought – as it rose with me;- This Govt would never have confidence in a schoolmaster for such an affair - & so it is with everything else. –
Next week – Grand Regatta.

Attended the Grand Regatta & [indecipherable] Wind a hurricane – great carnage to Boats - & Booths – one boy drowned . – The flag ship – ([indecipherable]) lost boats - & sails such a day! – rode down & walked back gust rain & wind.
The opening of the new council & debates therein occupy everybody’s attention – as well as this War with Russia – Our new Govr is a muff – member of the Cigar Division

[Page 206]

31st Birthday Nov 23. 1855

Morphett Street – Adelaide Nov 23/55
My birthday – No 31 – half life o’er Full of big thoughts - & little deeds – Full of sorrowful thoughts – full of condemnatory thoughts – of discontented – vacillating – pious - & impious thoughts – full of the World – the Flesh & the Devil –
I am looking round me – at those who in early days of the colony were thin & poor and now fat & rich - & I – am still in the dim arrear – though as compared to some I am well off. – Yet somehow – I say – am I to be a schoolmaster
all my life? – Is this to be the inheritance of my children – Is my wife to drag her soul out in teaching – surely if I have any pluck in me – I’ll try something else – surely I’ll have a dash at something better – I feel my energies stiffening under the everlasting A.B.C. The neverending Ad. Sub – indecipherable]- & [indecipherable] I am a disappointed man – I aim at the Inspectorship but no go. - & there is no chance whatever. I therefore feel heart sick. It has only been with the strictest economy that I have done – what I have done – I don’t think therefore it is either morally wrong – or socially wrong to make another step – why to emancipate myself entirely from school keeping - & [indecipherable] pray – If I do such do it shortly – I shant be able to do it at all – It is a great thought - & a perplexing one . –

[Page 207]

31st Birthday –

The more I approach the grave – the more force does the question acquire "What is the object of life?." – With its infinite uncertainties – with its perplexities with its everlasting ills - & yet its great blessings – its beauties - & its astounding developements & manifestations – how weary I feel – how sick at heart – how disgusted – when I try to solve this insolveable problem – the mystery of life – the why & the wherefore –. There must be something wrong in our civilization that jars so dreadfully against the claims of Religion – fear of [indecipherable] make the latter [indecipherable] the former clashes – and then comes a kind of compromising – lawful this & lawful that Gunpowder is lawful – fashion is lawful – so is holiness – & so is ordination– bah!
I think man was born to be an agriculturist – or a shepherd – this seems to be his primitive condition – such as designed in the garden of Eden but God knows everything seems to be uncertain – until the day of judgement when the right will be rewarded & the wrong sent to Hell. from this one draws the dangerous doctrine that all things are lawful & one step further & we have – might is right - & anarchy our just condition
In fact this is what we want – a set of philosophers who should be above all personal feeling where

[Page 208]

31st Birthday

whole life should be debated - to arrange [indecipherable] & declare , what & where we are to believe obey & do. – The Church pretends to do this – vide the Catholic Church the prot. Church & so also the abominable Mormon Ch. & h’vns knows what other ch’s but they have all failed – simply because the parties are "interested"- but enough of this – I have outthought thought I have attended to the proverb – "Know thyself" - & I have become a coward. – I am frightened at my own reason – it is my ancestry it holds me like a giant - & I go & do foolish things – alas I repent. but why this – let me attend to what life is – viz – money - &c. –
I have left P.S. School –
I have opened a new School
bought a piece of land 30x80 @ £6-6 per ft in the centre of the Town – Vic. Sq.
I have opposed (warmly) the Bishop
I have started an Austr.n Exp Exhn
I have involved myself into debt to the tune of £150.
I have learnt little
I have thought much –
I have painted a good deal –
My income will be – this year - 400£ but it is all absorbed
I have lost a £10. note – (alas!)
I want to leave school keeping. –
I want to go to Kang. Is –

[Page 209]

Grand Tea Meeting at T.S.C.S.

31st Birthday.

My wife is quite well. though poorly at times
my children do._._
My parent do.. still living at the Isd

Sunday – Just been arguing with Mr Mayo – that "our civilization is opposed to the genius of Christianity – he is of the very opposite opinion. - & so it is with all questions - mere opinion – constitutional prejudices one looks at life thus - & another thus. Oh! for certitude. – but even that I suppose would not do.

Monday Dec 10. Sebastopol is taken glorious – news – flags – guns. &c-

Tuesday. – Grand Tea Meeting at D. Ch.S.Sch – Bishops - Govr & h’ns knows who? – very interesting – my speech "The history of the Sunday Sch."
Govrs On socialising Christians of Australia
Bishops – cribbing from all
Fisher’s – as the Govrs
Maryatt’s – The S.Sch. the germ of the Church
Tomlainson’s – Treasurer’s a/c.

My holidays – 3 wks – I am hard up – busy in getting up an exhibition – in my school room.

[Page 210]

Exhn 1856 Exhn

of Pictures (240) minerals – fossils shells – (1000) mummy’s head - & other skulls – curiosities. –

Dec 24 – Opened the Exhn !! 7 persons came – disgusted –

Jany

- 1856 –

Jany 5th 1856. Exhn closed

Total Receipts in 13 days £7-3-0-
Total Expenses – about the same –

Newspapers speak well of the Exhn Every visitor quite enchanted could not have supposed it &c &c –

Jany 9th Opened School with 37 present & 36 absent –

Also my Exhn in a new spot – for one month. Receipts nil. Closed this second Exhn in 4 wks – got -£2-1-0 Total loss some two pounds 5 shillings

[Page 211]

Went to Peninsula – no notice of the yr.
St Lukes Bazaar it realized nearly £800. profit £600.
Schoneberg lost. 4000 Tons

Durng the holidays had a run over to the Peninsula – fine country – all sheep stations. Mutton & damper. – Kangaroos & blacks. – got some sketches – rocks & shells.

Jany 16 – 1856. I have let the year slip out & in – without my usual quantum of moralizing
This subject is truly an Exhibition of the man – the older we grow – the more careless we become – alike indifferent to all things – It ought not to be "World without end" but "Money without end."
I have many things I long to do! I want to go to England? I want to be independent? – I want to be an Inspector of schools? I want a Museum I want to be a clergyman. – &c. &c. &c
"Ah! Lord doth he not speak,
"parables."

Jany 23. Great day – St Luke’s Bazaar.
in 5 hrs – 770 had attended – first day sold about 200£ - the Governor’s [indecipherable] had a stall – my wife also – the former sold £23 worth (at 6 pm) the latter £13
My school mostly good – the mail ship Schoneberg 4000 Tons lost – the capt suppd to be missing. War progressing favrbly –

[Page 212]

Pennington lost in Kang. Isd Wife. 24.
to the Port - Revd Mr Beecher – Mother & Freddy sailed. –

Poor Pennington was lost in Kangaroo Island last Christmas – never found – though search have been after him.
renewed searches – no hidings of him, only tracks – he was a lawyer’s clerk and they depended on him! –
Feby 19 _ 1856. Wife’s Birthday 24 yrs old – Pretty & well - & living. –
I weigh 130 lbs - this day –
Feby 20.-
I have been to Needham’s at Houghton – 16 miles -.N.E. hot – fine gardens – Ansley’s M’Cewin’s – Read’s took a walk to the Torrens – 10 miles There 110° fine dell – steep – hands & knees affair. fine pool of water – two Eagles – up in heaven – What a grand thing it would be to be an eagle – with a man’s brains. –

Feby 22. Just been with the Revd Mr. Beecher – Deputation from the Parent Society (British & foreign Bible Society) to the Port – at a public meeting – went in a carriage with the comte men -& returned at ½ 10pm middling meeting. –

Saturday Feby 23. Mother & Freddy sailed per "Gem" to Kangaroo Isd - the latter for 3 or 4 [indecipherable] holiday – I wish I was there too. – with 100 hd of cattle. – breeding as a stock farmer. –

[Page 213]

The Dean – Revd Roberts – Music – The Trains of S.A.

March 2, 1856 – The Revd the Dean arrived safe from England & the seat of war. We have just been excited by the arrival of a Rev Mr Roberts – he was inducted to Salisbury – preached – the next Sunday – he got drunk! & the Monday following was escorted out of the place & the Saturday following had to leave the colony per BurraBurra – as fast as he could – alas! How are the mighty fallen!

My school pretty well – promises well – most likely will realize £ 200 or £ 220 this yr, infinitely better than P.S.C.S.

How beautiful is Music! Music is sublime, music is sweet – music is love – music is tears - music is gratitude – music is heaven – It is man’s solace & Angels’ employment.

March 8. for the first time in my life saw a train start - with about 100 people - The locomotive struck me with its ponderosity – its merciless character – its power & ability to crush to atoms any amount of men. Never heeding cry or moan or shriek. - The Beast I hate its sure & overwhelming pace – its almighty power – its relentless onward sway – its tremendous motion – its slow growling, thundering – its stealthy look.

[Page 214]

Milary – Vestry Meeting
Govt retrenchment – Street Light

Tuesday March 25 – Just returned from a 4 days’ trip to "Milary" on the Lake – shot oppossums – parrots, cockatoos, &c &c &c - walked nearly all the way back - horse done up. Milary is prettily situated – the Jetty is nearly finished – 1 P. House – 1 store – 3 or 4 houses around & 3 or 4 tents. We bushed it – sleeping on the ground – had a pull on the Lake – very shallow, a nice place for a yacht. The [indecipherable] 30 X 20 miles – runs into Lake Albert 20 X 10 & into the Cooring 90 X 2 miles & the Gideon – it includes an archipelago of islands.

Tuesday, in the evening – attended the Vestry Meeting of T. Church – opposed the appointment of Synodsman – would have nothing to do with Synod. away with it.

Monday March 31 Great retrenchments in Govt offices – A Com. Of the L.C. is sitting & examining every Department of Govt – it shows great irregularities in the various Depts, causing great dissatisfaction & great retrenchments. A Report about the Street Light being out – has upon one investigation turned out false. Mr C. has come off in flying colors – great compliments to him about its being in good order.

[Page 215]

Eclipse of the sun – First trip in a Railway Academy £ 60

Friday April 4. Tomorrow – grand meeting between the sun & moon – a solar eclipse – Adelaide is nearly in the line of total obscuration – begins about 2 & ends half past 4 p.m.
My school last quarter yielded £ 55 odd - rather better than at P.S.C.S. which would have given me at most 36 or 38 £, perhaps £ 40 besides the £ 55 there are £ 5 good book debts – total £ 60 odd with all this - &I am holy thankful at such success – I long to go to Kangaroo Isd - whether this is a mere morbus or a real healthy sign I don’t know. I am getting tired of school keeping – I long for open air – more activity &c &c.

Apr. 5 Solar eclipse of the sun – Observation equal to 889 pts out of 1000 fine day – sultry – little wind clouds electrical all on the horizon, stars were seen [Sketch of obscured sun] it could not have been a finer day if the astr: had the making of it – all hands looking out – there was a sort of violet colour over the earth – it was very distinct it lasted a long time.
April 12 1856. This day – I had my first ride in a veritable Train! I went to the Port – 8 miles in 26 minutes. I felt nervous when I got in – especially when I was locked in nevertheless it was easy & exceedingly comfortable –

[Page 216]

The Train – Cattle Station – Trip to Kangaroo Isd & the school

When I looked out – saw that huge crawling machine it reminded me of some vast - centipede & had something hateful in its aspect – the beast I hated it – while I was fascinated it seemed - that for the merest freak - it would drag to the devil & pound you to atoms - as it would take you home – grinding you to powder – or safely carrying you as a babe on the bosom – was a matter of pure indifference. When it went past walls or over bridges – the effect was awful. It is nearly allied to hell – than to heaven.

April 18 – At last – I shall perhaps be enabled to carry out my pet scheme of having a "Cattle Station" – I do not do this for the mere sake of getting wealth but for the purpose of getting emancipated from school keeping – which if it be wicked to desire - I sincerely repent of it – but if it be a legitimate wish & effort – may God prosper it -.

May 4 – Just returned from a visit to Kangaroo Isd & Ironbridge shoal – went to fetch Freddy – all’s well there – was absent 7 days – had to stay up all night on deck – no room in the cutter Blanche 15 tons – 12 men – seasick but several sketches went Blk swan shooting. Dreadful surf in coming off – quite exciting – ticklish work – brought up some curiosities.

[Page 217]

Macgowan is dead – he was Teacher all the days of his life (47 or 48 yrs) & 3 persons followed him to his grave!
May 10 1856.
A couple of weeks ago Mr Macgowan died – he is the best Schoolmaster in the Province – his last act was as his wife described it "writing on a slate as if he were putting down a sum" – Napoleon died – as if Leading a charge - & the Schoolmaster – as yet in his school alas! & shall this be my end too? Macgowan has been 18 yrs a teacher here & I came next. Yesterday two weeks (Friday) I followed him to the grave. About 4 or 5 weeks previously he laid down to die – refused all nourishment & aid of every sort, always averring that it was of no use. he has to die & so he did. He rarely rose from his bed but the night before he got up – twenty times & walked about when I saw him – his answers were no & yes – perfectly composed but curt. He was very low spirited – frequently quoting "many are called but few are saved & asking – why is it so – amongst his last words – were - "Is there a Christian? but utterance failed him. This he repeated several times. & he died, as if going to sleep but it is doubtful whether he recognised anyone for some hours previously. God grant in his infinite grace that he may share that portion that fadeth not away.
3 only followed him when drunken xxxxx that kept a public house died there were 20 carriages & hosts of men!

[Page 218]

Lecture at Anguston – New Brit Society

May. Have had the honor to be called upon to deliver a Lecture to the Anguston upon the opening of their Library – 50 miles away – Agreed to do so & on Sunday May 25 started – got as far as Gawler Town – on Monday to Anguston & gave the Lecture – 150 present – on Tuesday rode in – took all the day – horse got lame &c – 51 miles in a Day is considered good riding here – as the tracks go. After this – I expect more invitations from country places – why they select me I know not. - They might have gone nearer home & fared better.

June 10 – A new Building Society has been established – taken some shares for [indecipherable] in it. I am grand man in it for the first six months. 479 shares yet up to tonight – about 400 chinese just made off to the diggings – they camped opposite our home – they are arriving at about the rate of 500 per week – recently - Had a ride with Mr Farrell – to the Bay last Saturday to see his house & proposed alterations - concluded my Bargain about a Grocer’s shop – a new speculation on my part - by which I hope to gain near, if not £ 2 per week after the first year’s effort. I have taken it for 4 yrs – at a rental of 24/- per wk. The older I get the bolder I get – may it be all [indecipherable].

[Page 219]

Chinese! Another step! Peace! Music

June 15. Colony inundated with Chinese – another 600 arrived – Last week about 300 moved away – from opposition house – it was a curious sight. They had 6 drays with their goods - & each carried a couple of bundles - It was raining all the while.

June 23 – Made another step but is it up or down? Ah! Is it up or down? I have helped a young man to open a grocer’s shop to the tune of £ 215! & bec responsible for the rent! For a yr – 24/- a week. "Where did I get it?" Why I borrowed it. - & I hope all will go well & possibly it may lead to something better. I did it, I trust, wisely. I wish Annie to leave off school keeping – her young life to be sacrificed to the Demon of ABC.

July 5 – finally finished my "another step" & the shop is two weeks in existence but the receipts in cash & credit – barely 17 £ per wk - & then for the Man & boy to live out of it & buy stock.

Peace with Russia is proclaimed! –
News just arrived. - What asses to leave off just when they were to reap a harvest. The cost is £ 100,000,000
Another time – Oh! God! how great is music – how good is music – my soul is entranced as I hear the heavenward strains – its mysterious & spiritual strains – surely it came from heav’n, the whole frame vibrates – may the sweet strains of music be the last sounds I hear on earth. -

[Page 220]

Wreck of "The Goulbourn" off K. Isd – Bishop’s Ordination – fight with Bulldog.

July 12 – Sad news – a vessel with 4 men & a lad – all went down & were lost off Kangaroo Isd in a storm of wind, hail & lightning.- The "Goulbourn" - I wrote a few lines on it. They were nearly 9 hours clinging to the wreck & then were finally drowned.

July 26 Great jumps between date & date . –
The shop progressing – average receipts per wk about 22£ - but this is half - what the former proprietor told me it was worth – this lying beggar – how I hate business aye loathe it. The dirty product – of a debased system of things - & yet – when the weekly receipts increase – I feel pleased! heavens! can my sins be forgiven? – such inconsistency.-
Academy pretty fair.-
Yesterday at an ordination – a Mr Roberts rose up – at the proper time - & protested against the ordination of the Revd (save the word) W. Wood of Pentwortham – such a sensation – the scribes & the Pharisees - & the lawyers – but they ultimately decided – to go on – so Wood was ordained with éclat. – the charge was "ungodliness & undue secularity of conduct". & the fun of the thing was that it was made by a clergyman! who was unlicensed the other day for getting drunk! –
Last night – I was attacked by a Bulldog so fiercely & so pertinaciously – that I despaired – I got frightened – aye I thought – I should be worried to death – it was in the dark - & we fought for a long time till neighbours came out & relieved me – the dog had broken loose from his chain I also in the midst of the fray fell into the butter!

[Page 221]

Needham tipsy 4 days 15,600 prayers! 28,000 witnesses

Last week – Needham was so silly as to come to town – in a pet. - & get tipsy for 4 or 5 days – he came to our home with a fit of the Blues. – got to the doctor - & took him home on Sunday - & so bad were the roads – that it took me 4 ½ hours to go 12 ½ miles. - & had to ride back I the dark such a ride! nearly drowned, killed,

Sunday Augt 3. To Trinity church as usual – how long have I sat in that place – 15 yrs – that is 15x 52 = 780 Sundays. that is 780x2 sermons equals 1560 equal to 1560 sermons – 9360 hymns – equal to 3120 chapters in the Bible – 6240 psalms - & 15,600 prayers! - & Oh! God – what is the result this very night? – I am still as far off the Kingdom of God as at the beginning! – I am a heathen & a publican – What a number of witnesses for the day of judgement! 28,000! how dire the consequences. – overwhelming thought! better had a millstone be tied round my neck, and I cast into the sea.
How dread the fact. – how palpable the error! O! man – better hadst thou ne’er been born – Sometimes when I am in my best state – or in the midst of trouble – or in the midst of pleasure – or newly pursuing some monetary scheme – I rise up – I pause – I stop my anger – or my pleasure – "of what use – death is thine inheritance"!

[Page 222]

Death – T. Groser dead. a young girl poisoned herself

In the solemn moments of a sleepless hour in midnight – in the calm face of heaven – under some bush or tree – in the far wilds – or in this sombre chamber in my own house – strong aye as strong as adamantine rocks – as overpowering as the omnipotence of Deity – does the awful thought press my soul – as I exclaim - & " then too must die" – I turn upon my pillow - & feel the unutterabilities of woe. – Ah! yes death is the end of all things – of anger of love – of schemes of pure & impure desires of riches of poverty - of wisdom & foolishness – such is life – a bitter consciousness of a bitter end. ‘ "Thy will be done."

Monday Augt 4 – last week one of my scholars died – T. Groser – aged 14 – we laid our younger brother to the life immortal – our younger brother in the faith – but my older brother in the church of Christ – The Sunday sch & my own school followed him. –

Last Friday a sad occurrence happened – a young girl living near us – pursued strongly – Mr W Peacock seduced her – a [indecipherable] slighted her the next day – she then poisoned herself – everybody pitied her – She was a giddy girl – but she was to be pitied & her parents are to be blamed. –

[Page 223]

The nonsense of fame Chinese worship
‘Elijah the Fishbite" nothing imp. with God

another time. I am lazy – all fellows with thick lips are lazy – this is my case – I have strong propulsions – yet I am lazy – I rise late – I work unsteadily – I dream away my time – I do things by fits & starts – but all thick lips are lazy - & so it cant be helped. – Ah’s me. – the weather is cold & miserable – if that’s of any consequence to know. a 2000 yrs hence – I s’pose man will be much about the same at that day – we are tolerable certain that a 1000 yrs back – human nature ate & drank & loved & hated - & warred - &c – I & the all that delays like I – will be dead & forgotten – that such an ass lived a s myself – will be no more account than that a pig or horse of my time lived. – What matters then – eat, drink & be merry for tomorrow we die.
I have just seen about 20 Chinese perform worship – burning joss sticks – offering up brandy – rice bean - & cooked pork. – What a superstition – It was performed in the open air.

Sunday – to church as usual – a cool night – been reading Krummacher’s Elijah the Fishbite certainly it is very beautiful – how glorious an end to be translated - wonderful [indecipherable] – While I have my doubts as to every word of the Bible being inspired – I have no doubt about any of the miracles – for surely the Creator - can do as he likes. – It seems nonsense & bad logic to talk otherwise. yet some do – nothing can be impossible to with God. – it would be a sad thing if it was otherwise. –

[Page 224]

Lecture on "Hiawatha" Mec. Inst. diss?
Cadell & Old Bet

Tuesday Augt 26 -1856 Just deld a lecture on the "Song of Hiawatha" - I was not satisfied with myself nor my audience either. - If I guess aright - I laboured under this disadvantage - I did not feel up to the thing when I went - I was not satisfied with my own doings - I never am- I am the most disappointed rascal from Pole to Pole.
Rumours war with America - my school is middling- Business dull -

Friday Sept 5 1856 - Attended a meeting to dissolve the S.A. Mec. Inst. & Library - It’s to be handed over to the New Govt Inst. – about 10 or 12 attended - Mr Wigall in the chair thus this Inst – has undergone through endless phases of existence. Our liabilities are £110 .It went off quite quietly. - I have been connected with it - for upwards – of 10 yrs - & have known it 15 yrs
Sept 13 – Cadell & Old Bet - laid claim to a Gold disy. I knew of this 3 yrs ago – but I have little or no faith - yet after all it may be true – I wish I could go & search – - Mr. Smith has left - & I have engaged a Frenchman – an educated man at least so he says - but I fear him & Annie positively dislikes him.

Cadell is the first man that took steamer up the Murray he is quite a hero

[Page 225]

A Baby! A Baby! –A Boy

Saturday Sept 20 1856 Morphett Street Adelaide – S.A. At 9 20 or 22 past 12 am. - my fifth child was born a boy - a fine child. - the mother had a good time of it - alls well up to the present moment - though it is an agonising affair - dreadful human suffering - oh! sin! sin! & oh! man worse than asses - & women Ah! poor sufferers.

Sunday Sept 21. Alls well – the baby very fat & well. Sucks like a calf has light hair - & I think blue eyes – a child of love - & perhaps a man of sin - who knows

Sunday Oct 1 Alls well. They want me to feel the weight of the baby - I reply I already feel the weight of the baby - in the pocket - no need to take it in my arms – full of a notion of propelling ships against the wind – the harder it blows the swifter she goes. Such a new mode of propulsion must – be the surest "way to go the bottom" as a friend interposes - If a farmer invented the screw propeller why not a schoolmaster a new adaptation of wind power? We shall see – Visited the Port – saw Tohner’s little craft - to go on the Gold searching in Kangaroo Is. - Oh! that I could go - But the stars are against me. Education is still dragging its slow length along.

[Page 226]

A year from P.S.C.S

Oh that I was an Inspector. - In two days time - complete my year since I left Pulty Street school - & I am 2/3 better off -
Oct 12/56- All’s well- i.e. Mother & Baby – Oh! how things are changed with the years – 43, 44 &c poor mortals that we are - only born to propagate – to live, to die – this is life – suppose I live 70 yrs – this the sum total of me – will start thus – ‘he accumulated £4000 in money & lands – he ate – 21,000 dinners – do: Teas - he loved & hated – he sickened & got well – he married & buried – he weptd & laughed & then gave up the ghost" – nay it is not certain that anyone even will make the passing remark – A spendthrift son may spend it all - too long - & never be satisfied to try & never to succeed – to sin & to repent - to call & to hear no voice – to knock – but to find no entrance – to spend & be spent – to tremble & to sorrow – to pay butchers’ bills & Bakers bills – for ever – this seems to be the end of man to hear of the good things you cannot get - & to strive for those things you cannot are refused - whi But why this strain? All things will soon be at an end – a few more respirations

[Page 227]

(Hebrew characters) Capt Allen’s death
Tolmer for Gold

& no one will be the wiser – or the better that you lived – miserable sinner look unto heaven - & see nought else than the everlasting existence of the Messias. The (Hebrew) the (Hebrew) the (Hebrew). – The more you love nature the more you must love God – for the one is the exponent of the other – they cannot contradict but they must agree.

Another time – how infinitely ignorant I am – I can neither read the dead languages nor understand the
living ones – paint nor write poetry - & without these, what is life – a saving of money to pay the gravedigger. – True o man but herein lies your strength & your weakness. – Ah! is this true
Miserrimus, qui in vita miser, post mortem miserior.-

Another time – I hear Capt Allen has died suddenly – Caesar said the best death is that least expected – such was Capt. A’s end. He was emphatically the friend of Education. The scholar’s friend. He gave 1000£ to this school - & a 1000£ to that besides hundreds here & there. but chiefly to the Ch. of Eng. – he was rich –

Tolmer, has gone to K.Isd – for Gold – but one searcher has returned. – without success. – my school is very middling – Oh money! money!

[Page 228]

Voltaire &c Capt A’s funeral – The New Constitution

I have been reading Voltaire’s life – Rousseau &c – a parcel of clever contemptible humbugs – for all the good they have done – Society will have well spared them – for all the evil they did – it had been better that they had never been born. –

Sunday – Oct 26/56 – Been to Christ Church – the Cathedral – heard the Bishop preach a funeral sermon on the late Capt Allen – whose funeral I attended – 35 carriages - &c – cost £500 – grand - He has giv spent 10,000£ on Pult & Coll. schools – left 5000£ for the pastoral [indecipherable] fund &c unbiasedly liberal – The Church is mourning – quite sentimental – When will men be real & cease to be sham. –
The New & last & glorious! Constitution has arrived - & Responsible Government all the jackdaws – stump crows have got drunk – it arrived yesterday Surely we don’t want it – shall I even be M.P. under it? – surely if Cobbley &c can get a seat in the Councils – I ought to try uber nacht etwas I am a poor beggar as yet – I must bide my time – yes – but how about death? – he may upset your calculations. – as it is – we must live as if death were not - & we must die – as if life were not.

[Page 229]

[skull & crossbones] Miss M. Hasard died Fenelon – Eng.& Cape
Gold Expd to K Isd Aunt coming

Nov: 9/56 Poor Mr & Mrs Farrell sustained a heavy loss – this day week their youngest daughter was at church - & now she has been buried 6 days! – In the midst of life we are in death – she was 16yrs old. – Thus it is we live, we know not what for. - & yet I feel that I have an unbounded faith – though wherever I look I see nought but palpable darkness there is no certitude – only mathematics is certain; - Ahs me! – a miserable sinner! – May God forgive me for all my doubts & perplexities. I don’t believe with Fenelon – that we be content even if it please God to damn us – so that we but love him. – I think this absurd. –

[skull & crossbones]

I want to visit England before I die - &the Cape but alas! how can I? I shall die & never see them. ah’s me – Be it so. its for the best.

Nov: 21 The search for Gold at K.Isd by Tolmer has turned out a failure – got quarrelling among themselves. – broke out - & [indecipherable] & after 6 weeks doing next to nothing returned – The Germans blame Tolmer’s overbearing conduct –

We have just received news from Eng. that one of my unknown aunts with some 56 children is coming out pretty go this – If I am annoyed – I move altogether away. – She is a widow – my mother’s sister.

[Page 230]

Figure drawing 32nd Birthday

Nov: 23 Morphett Street Adelaide South Australia – My 32d Birthday. Another inch of life gone – another step nearer the grave – edging nearer nearer nearer – What is the sentiment of the year? – Thanks to God & dissatisfaction of myself –
ever striving
never arriving
ever aiming
never gaining
ever keeping
never reaping
As to philosophical speculation – I am nearly come to the positive state – there is no certitude Reason must cease battling with faith and faith what is it? – bits of the cross – holy coats of Treves – veritable thorns? - And as to orthodoxy! what is it – my doxy - & your doxy – subscription to the 39 art. – "I cant afford to keep a conscience" As to Religion – I am deeply untried – from my conformation with that sentiment – but yet I don’t feel satisfied with myself. Is it Catholic Church or dissent – Is it Calvinism – Lutheranism or Armenianism hold out up the little finger - & I follow through fire & water. – heaven & earth - It is not in me – to take up any form - & stick to it – I must have surety certainty – for how can I be a hypocrite. It is a perplexing state - & not conducive to peace of mind. –

[Page 231]

[indecipherable] ought to be [indecipherable] mother! [Figure drawing] 32 Birthday was born 1825 – 11 - 23 now 1856 -11 – 23 31 years old

20 yrs ago – Where was I? Walking under the akkerboome with sweet Hansee de Lieuw Ah! Hansee Hansee Ah! how beautiful is love pure & platonic – such was mine. Beauty has ever been my Goddess that I adore - & though it appears in Dutch or English or German, in Malay , halfnertge or Australian Savage – it ever animates my suffrage. but this is a theme that at the age of 32 – is unbecoming – must be foresworn & only mused over – as one of the delicious phases of past development. Why cant it always last! It did no harm – It was a silent adoration – but no – we are born to get a wife pray, Butchers & bakers – mind your Ps & Qs & be buried with a hearse and feathers – As with the peasant so with the King – each has his routine the spade or the sceptre – but the gravedigger is ready at any hour. – Can we transcend Nature and this is the constant & foolish effort of Teachers & preachers – to give a man a belly full - & a house is surely all that man can do for each other - & yet your Whigs & Tories radicals – conservatives ultras – liberals – Teetotallers – Optimists & pessimists - & all other vagabonds & charlatans are ever & ever trying to do the impossible.
We surely need a new revelation – surely the time has come, that the general intelligence of the age has worn out all old ideas - & notions & plans

[Page 232]

[Newspaper extracts]

[Page 233]

[Duplicate page]

[Page 234]

[Newspaper extracts].

Now as to my affairs
I am better off than I was last Birthday – though in deeper debt –
As to knowledge – it is not all satisfactory. I cannot translate a Hebrew verse without a dicty – the same of Greek Latin French & German & Dutch – this latter of which once – it was all I knew – is gradually fading away – my weekly allowance – is thus 2 a wk – Hebrew 2 [indecipherable] Greek 2 hrs Latin – 1 Ses every day French & 1 Dutch – as to general reading – I do not neglect it – but after all – what will it be at the end –
"He was a well informed man.’- A life’s exertions under every disadvantage to be summoned up in a sentence! – Yes so it is – Alexander’s conquests or Napoleon’s occupy a page of general history. Think of their rivers of tears – of seas of blood of mountains of misery to enable a man to put his name opposite a date!
I am reading Comte’s positive phil. he makes out – that it is wrong to teach that this life is to be despised or used only – so that we but obtain the next? All things (say I) move in a circle – It must be wrong to fix anything There is no certitude – we must
"Wait the great Teacher Death"
Then the obscure will become plain – but then also it will be of no service to the living – ah me!

[Page 235]

B.
[Sketches]

When are all things tending? What will competition do? Imagination? & Science – When I look at Politics – oh! what a mass of bad passions & vain seeking after right - & never finding it – truly – truly – there is no certitude. – except in Mathematics - I am of opinion that all things can be reduced to mathematical principles – the axioms of Euclid. – honesty a straight line – truth – a tetrahedron – Love a circle – faith a mixtilineal line. &c &c It is a pity there’s not a seminal & philosophical language -

As to my worldly position I am better than I was a year ago – I am laying down a foundation sure & wide – but at present I reap no particular advantage nay on the contrary a great deal of anxiety: but I hope it is for the best. – as to my School it is better I have a frenchman for an assistant, but he is not much good – vain frivolous - absurd. – as to my religious position alas! alas! – God knows – I dare not affirm. It is too great a matter to be certain upon – I am racked with doubts & fears – God help me
It is all very well for people to say – exercise faith – yes – but upon what? upon Pope Leo X - the Apostle Paul – the gross Luther, the sweet Melanchthon – the bigot Calvin – the furious Zwingli – "God intoxicated" – Spinoza – Bishop Berkely – angelic Fenelon the dearest Jewel. – here’s a pretty posse – I love all, except Leo X & Calvin – for they have no love in them.

[Page 236]

[Extract from The Adelaide Observer, Saturday, December] – Drying Fruits

[Page 237]

[Indecipherable]

[Page 238]

[Duplicate page]

[Page 239]

[Duplicate page]

[Page 240]

1857.
cum: Exn Mr. E. Byrd. Rev Pollitt. –

Another time – How beautiful is music! – how entrancing – how overpowering! – may the last strain I hear on earth be music Surely the chief sower of heaven’s happiness must be music. –

Decr 12/56. Friday - my annual Exn Rev Mr Farrell in the chair – Went off very well I had – French – German – Latin – Euclid – Prest Revd Mr Marryat – Dr. Davies & a good sprinkling of ladies. – The Excitement gave me a great headache.
Mr. Ed Boyd from Geelong is paying us a visit – also Mrs Needham from [indecipherable] – Barlow is up from the Isd – but his mother is sick – Rev Mr Pollitt is in sad mess. he went & married an uncle & niece (Finnis) the synod have tried him – & the L.C. [indecipherable] prosecuting him – it is a sad affair – Money! Money!

[Newspaper extract]"Victoria-Square Academy."

[Page 241]

Nat & Hannah – ill – Mrs Worley & Schil
Jeremie in Jail for stealing. –

Jany 4. 1856. Been ill for 4 days – had 2 tons of headache – 30 galls of spasms & 2 horsepower rhumatic pains & 40 measures of fever. – I almost thought it – the beginning of the end. Am better now. – Mother is up - & Nat. & Hannah – the latter was baptized 18 yrs old. My baby boy do: - as Alfred Ngadlu Godfather Mr Byrd – Godmother Miss Needham. local politics very dull – the Govr very ill.

Friday Jany 23. – Great day – the arrival of Mrs Worly & 8 children – Mother’s sister When they last saw each other – was 25 or 26 yrs ago! – she is a widow – what changes in these yrs? No one can tell but the desolate heart – as it thinks over the unutterabilities – as they are poor it will be an additional burden on all of us. –

Jeremie – my late Assistant & French master is now in Jail – for Robbery of 150 Bks value £40 to £50. – sad affair for me I suppose he’ll get 5 or 7 yrs he is an imposter - & has done it all under the cloke of religion The lying rascal. – I [indecipherable] the [indecipherable] very badly - -

[Page 242]

[Sketch of a man playing a violin]

Miska Hauser Music
Election Jeremie
Shops

Jany 31/57 – Was induced to hear Miska Hauser – the celebrated Violinist – to me it was only tricks upon the fiddle – if another fellow could do the same thing – but holding his fiddle behind his head - it would put his nose out - & if a third could do the same, while standing on his head, it would put the latter’s nose out & [indecipherable] – that he is a master fiddler is acknowledged but his master pieces are his master tricks, it is the same with the piano forte grand playing – it is the mechanism - that is called upon to admire, not the soul stirring – passion moving music. – Music ought to be felt – not admired –

Another time – On the eve of Elections – for our New Parliament – Upper & lower house – had I a competency – I’d go in. – Jeremie my late assistant – has got 9 mos in Gaol – a very lenient sentence. he is a diabolical rogue. I had to appear to speak to his character. Mother’s off shortly. Shall be obliged to give up the shop speculation because Austin wants to get married - & at present it wont support two & a boy - & pay off sum £160. - & I cant wait years for the money. Things are very dull in Adelaide no business doing much – my School middling. -

[Page 243]

"There is no certitude" – Departure of Mother in "Breeze" – Milner Stephen's case – Quartz crushing

March 8 – The best plan is to declare that one Knows nothing, neither relatively – absolutely – positively – or approximately. Just attended a "Hanging Comt" at the Council chamber for an Ex. Of pictures. I have sent 20 but what makes one picture better than another? God knows. I don't & they don't - & what one lauds to the sky – another lowers to the earth. & thus it is with every mortal matter – in Politics in law – in philosophy – in the Arts – poetry painting & music – in character – in action in beauty, the most diverse opinions & practices prevail – nothing is sure & [indecipherable] in Religion – one overwhelming horrible fact – presses me on the right & on the left -there is no certitude! Mathematics only & always excepted – thank God – 2 & 2 make 4.
Mother left us on Thursday last, 5th alone yes, alone, in a wretched cockle shell of 15 tons to be 5 or 6 days & to lay on the deck all the way – how my heart aches when think of that - & this is her fate every year – I had expected to have gone with her – but through that rogue Jeremy I was precluded. The colony is very dull – many are leaving – a Quartz crushing machine is shortly to be set in operation – to try our quartz reefs. The great Case of Milner Stephen v. Edr of the Argus – Melbourne – has just been decided [indecipherable] [indecipherable]get it - & Stephen is ruined, serve him right – this is the 3rd time Annie is well – children do: my school middling – Annie’s bad.

[Page 244]

Unitarian – War – New Parliament – Lect. On Ed. Inspect:

Sunday April 5 – Been tonight to hear Mr Woods of the Unitarian – on the doctrine of the "Atonement" – well he expresses a great deal that's sensible – but the whole affair – worship & doctrine – is like a bone – outwardly like other bones – but without marrow - while I assent to very many remarks of theirs I directly feel a want - Their religion is heartless – Wood is a vulgar looking man. They [small illustration of face] are busy building a Church to be finished in May – They are holding service in Green’s Exchange now, a good many respectable belong to them – a good many failures & fires are occurring just now – signs of bad times – a great fire happened at the Port, & in Hindley Street. England is at war with Persia & China. The only way to make peace is to take all the world. My shop speculation is scarcely paying – I am going on a picnic this week – I wish I could paint well – I have some glorious feelings - but then I want the powers to express them on paper in paint. My family are all well. Our New Parliament meet on the 21 or 22nd this mth. Even I – poor miserable dissatisfied I - am preparing – I am getting up a Lecture on Education – for the Phi: Society. I have tried hard for an Inspectorship – may I yet get it - £300 is all I ask for – but I suppose it is not my lot – except to wish & long for.

[Page 245]

Lines to a young man in Love (Mr Ed: Byrd – living at Geelong)

Far away in the hills of the west
My eyes wander & oft fondly rest
While my heart pit-a-pats in my breast
Ellen! Ellen!

In mental vision oft do I see
An angel figure under a tree
And perhaps - blissful thought - thinking of me
Ellen Ellen
Two sweet blue eyes, like two blue lakes
With skin as pure as the snowy flakes
Heav’n what wouldn't I do, for thy sake
Ellen Ellen
With cheeks that outvie the blush of the rose
Then the smile, on those lips that repose
Ah! I die as I think of my woes
Ellen Ellen
O! bird of the air – give me thy wing
Teach me thy notes to warble & sing.
Yes my heart doth to thee fondly cling
Ellen Ellen
May the crops grow, & may they wave green
Plough Farmers plough, & spare not your team
Yes bye and bye they'll want a machine*
Ellen Ellen
Then I'll hasten away from Geelong
and swiftly in the steamer "White Swan" and unexpectedly pop upon
Ellen Ellen

* In allusion to Byrd's [indecipherable], about going to see the machines work – Ellen's father is a farmer.

[Page 246]

first Parliament Apr 22/57 Wed

And if still his hard heart thwarts our hope
Never more will leave thee to mope.
Yes sweetest! Cawthorne'll help us elope
Ellen Ellen
As Deep as the everlasting sea
As Distant as heaven's canopy
So undying is my love for thee
Ellen Ellen
-moral –
When we shall count our 1, 2, & 3.
For the past then didn't play in the spree
One & all shall be taught to bless thee
Cawthorne Cawthorne

April – attended this week at a Vestry Meeting of the Trinity – Ch. Dr Mayo & I opposed the election of Synodsmen as usual. All of us got warm – the Synod is a humbug – Our congregation is fast fading away – all the old hands going out – this alone is sufficient evidence – that "I" should be prominent.
April 22nd Wed
Another time – Our First Parliament opened a grand to-do – guns firing & all that – shall I ever be in it? Why not – money? My school is middling - Business is dull though the finances of the colony are sound. - They are going to meddle with Edn again – may I get in for an Inspectorship. We are all selfish. In this age of money worship it must be so – if I fail this time I'll never try again - [indecipherable] or nothing.

[Page 247]

"I must die alone" paper Edn to Phil. Society – What is fame? Pollitt burnt out

Another time – I must die alone" – said Pascal alas! how true – how sorrowful. How oft have I exclaimed - in the solitary hour of midnight - in the far off lonely spot in some out of the way Bush " & thou too must die." – how utterly desolate the feeling – you clasp some solid but alas! it has no stability – you feel your heart but it also has lessened its beat of its alotted task – all things are soon at an end & my life – my life also & then the dark grave - & the unknown.

Another time – Read a lecture to the Phil. Society May 14 1869 - on Edn & that part "What Edn is not". They want me to publish it – several ministers attended – I did not satisfy myself. - In the midst of reenergizing the old "Preceptors' Assn under the new Bill – perhaps I may get a billet – I shall try.

What is the use of bothering one's self about Fame – and all that bosh – what real notion have we of Homer – Dante, Milton of Caesar, Aristides Marlbrough – None – but the name. Thus in the nature of things I am led to contemn things. The present is only real neither past nor future have any existence. It is certainly not the future that prevents men from crime – it is only the law & terrors of the present – to the past we are dead – to the future not born – only to the present – we live & & move & have our being.

June 7 during the night the Rev Mr Pollits house was burnt to the ground – everything lost. The family escaped in their night gowns – in consequence I had to preach at St Lukes – sad affair.

[Page 248]

Visited the Stockade – Lect on conchology Prec: Assn

Tuesday June 28 Visited with Mr Farrell. The Stockade - this morning – 7 miles N.E. saw my late friend! Jeremie - & the late Rev S.P.R. Allan - who was committed for 4 yrs for an unmentionable offence – the latter was playing the Seraphim – hair close shaven, & his clothes with his numbers & [upward facing arrow] in profusion – alas! How are the mighty fallen! His fall killed his poor mother - & ruined his sister. Yet he can hold up his head & play the seraphims to heavn's psalmody. - What pollution – How great is the mystery of crime. When shall we get a solution. Religion seems the only remedy. Nothing but a miracle.

The great Preceptors' Meeting came off - & well too – 60 attended – sat from 2 – 9pm ish – an hour for a recess – we shall do something . I trust – Just heard of 2 inspectorships of £ 600 per an – at Melbourne vacant – I can only look that way & shake my head.
At request – I am preparing a lecture on Conchology to be read at the Norwood Institute – Thursday week – shop Speculation going on badly – must give it up – greatly bothered with it – my "Co" don't work well – he wants to get married – like all fools –
How wise we are after a marriage.

[Page 249]

Lecture at Norwood Prec Assn – Mrs Fisher died [indecipherable] resigned – Prec Assn. Lecture & S.S.

Saturday July 9 Delivd my lecture – fine night – full room Hon Mr Burney – proposed a vote of thanks to Mr C. &c &c had ½ doz. nov. to supper – came home late – past 1am. Even in lecturing there is humbug – though for my own part – it does me good – i.e. the mental effort. Such is man – talking of the grand – but pursuing the little. Striving for God – yet worshipping the animal. O Theos![in Greek characters] Enlighten my perturbed vision.
Mr Fisher wife of the Hon J.H. Fisher died suddenly – was buried last Monday – well & in the Town at 4 p.m. - & died by next morning – last week. Heard from K.I. all pretty well – think sometimes of going to live there – to retire.

July 25 – In a row with the a clique in the Pre: Assn. They want to have a clergyman to be the Editor of a paper to be the organ of the Society – I oppose it in principle. Let the Teachers do their own work, no truckling to patronage. No clergyman in our affairs. - It is nothing but a St John’s clique. It is an error of judgment. It is an inconsistency.
Augt. 22 – Rain Rain. Up to the present a fair season for the farmers. A great breadth of country rain – for the big belly – Victoria. Our Ministry has resigned – great fuss. New Chief Secy – so is a prime minister called. Mr J Baker – when shall I be prime Minister? When I find out Longitude.

[Page 250]

Lecture for a City seal

[newspaper cutting from Norwood and Stepney Institute]

My School but middling – I think it arises from my faults – I am lazy – or perhaps tired of the ever & ever same thing.
Been bothering me to take this T.C.S. School again – have declined it: too much.

Though my heart is in it – I would readily go – if I could see a successor. The New Edn Bill is knocked on the head – so we go on, expending thousands for nothing – Shop Specn doesnt answer well.

Augt 25 - Just heard that I lost a prize of £ 5.0.0 for a design for a City Seal. I am worth nothing – not my salt – wretched brain that I have – fit only to teach little sinners – A.R.C. I am vexed.

28th – ship with 400 chinese – a so – got stranded – 12 rascals have brought the Leprosy with them – one has died of it – 2 others are ill – going to have a public meeting. The new Ministry has resigned and another appointed – which I believe is going to resign also.

[Page 251]

Wife to the Bay – Row at P.S.C.S. – Gawler Railway open

Sept 13 – Return from the Bay with Wife & chil. Re latter having had 10 days there - & I once tired & glad when back again. Saw wrecks recently happened The "Dunbar" at Sydney, 1 saved, & the Ladybird St. ran into the Champ St – 98 drowned in the latter. Glenelg pier progressing – Gawler Town Railway nearly opened – next week – I believe – dreadful insurrection in India – war in China etc.

Sept 20 To church as usual. They want me back again to run S.S. I am sorry I can't go.

Sept 30. Great row at P.S.C.S. My successor quarrelling with the Trustees on the precise ground that I did – has gone to greater lengths left – or rather – he got dismissed - & has taken nearly all the children - & the school has in consequence been closed. What bungling to be sure. One of the chaps – came slyly to induce me to take the school again, sly fox. - Thus after two years (within 8 days, my views are acknowledged to right - this same dozen men have been proved wrong - with them it was always – "Our school is too firmly established." It seems to be the most flyaway - Bricks & mortar – are something, but the living Teachr is something more. - They have pd for their stupidity. If I go – I must go on my own terms without reservations – but of course that's not to be expected.

Oct 3 – my school very middling – very middling – Adelaide is middling – business is middling. Gawler Railway open Oct 5.

[Page 252]

Getting up a journal - Revolt in India

Oct 4 – Nat Thomas has got dismissed from the Light Horse. Things rather unsettled there

Oct10 Just been engaged in getting up a "Journal" - [indecipherable] shares – C of £ 2000 - plenty of support promised – but little Inst. I am afraid it's no go – P.S.C.S. has been after me – him they despised they now seek – the sch. Is shut – it serves them right for their avarice. Been engaged in drawing up the Report for the Bible Society. Attended as a Depn from the old Bible Soc. To the Port Branch – spouting & all that.

Sunday Oct 11 – Rainy squally my garden better this yr than last – been very unsuccessful with it – Annie poorly, children well. -

Sunday 18th – dreadful revolt of the Sepoys in India – spreading more & more – 280 m. w. & chil. (whites) massacred with the greatest atrocity at Canonpore – Delhi taken by the Rebels – all India in rebellion. All the troops from the Australias ordered off – great excitement in Engl. Sugar very Dear – from £ 80 to £100 per ton. & very scarce. Nonpareil [indecipherable] lost - & 3 hands. Been urging me to take P.S.C.S. No – I say – my school very bad – Trade dull in Adelaide.

[In lower left margin, 7 verses of a poem in very small writing.]

What is life?
tis but strife
Eat & drink
Wish & think.

Fathers reason
Oft but treason
abide by faith
Your Life’s unsafe

Take erring man
Where he began
It will leave you
With nothing new

Follow nature
A dumb creature
By earth bounded
By earth grounded

do what you will
you’re earthy still
Philosophize?
A wretched guise

Try everyone here
Try [indecipherable] and [indecipherable]
There’s but one fact
A torturing rack

In mental death
The soul’s last breath
A bane to see
"No certainty"!]

[Page 253]

Grand party at Burkins – fire at the Port – G. lost 8000

Sunday Novr 1 My Birthday soon – another yr soon – another addition of folly & sin – another subtraction of virtue – another multiplication of sorrow another division of the soul. Attended a grand party at Mrs Burkin – Stepney – dancing at night – but I cant dance – sing – drink now smoke - so I suppose I was taken there to be exposed made fun of – a but – when a man gets married, there is no end of the folly he is made to commit – came home at 3am – alone by myself.

Monday Nov 9 Most dreadful fire at the Port – about 60 horses burnt. The worst fire that has been in the colony – My friend Mr Grose, the heaviest loser - uninsured £ - 8000 - quite a damp upon everybody – the engines as usual all wrong – late - & stupid - sad sad. It broke out at Scarf’s – A bucket of water would have put it out at the first instance.

Visit to the Port, fire remains – quite dreadful – place totally altered, burning still though a week after – sad ruins – though in the midst of it – men are clearing away with the intent to "begin again" i.e. most narrow escape of the [indecipherable] – no help – no engines – no electric telegraph room all confusion all burning – fearful mismanagement. -

Attended a meeting about the Port fire – strong resolutions passed – our brigade

[Page 254]

33d Birthday!

Nov. 23 1857 – Another birthday – nearer nearer comes the deathday – the last breathday – though the lastday it will be the firstday.
As I approach this great event – the only event of man’s life – I most solemnly survey it – with the stern despairing aspect of a fixed unalterable necessity. Is this the spirit of a philosophic heathen of a Cato – or Socrates? - Where is the spirit of Paul – "The aged one." Of John the "beloved" Alas! I can only ask - & find no answer My life is half over – but my Rel. is not begun yet. – In the bitterness of my soul – I stand alone. – Am I proud? vain? – Self righteous – No – It is the inherent necessity of a crooked disposition –
"Ah! Lord doth he not speak in parables?" –
(learn from this
do thou like him

My school middling during the past year. My speculation in the shop has failed – I am afraid I shall be a loser – perhaps 60£

[Continuation of poem from p252 in left margin
Men & wiles
women’s smiles
Gold & gin
death & sin

Sense & pleasure
without measure
merely pastime
only masktime

Get your money
way so rummy
all reversed
and accursed

Look to heaven
no help given
prayed & striven
lost unshriven

O God of life!
end this strife
or wisely teach me
Life’s mystery.

Cease to learn
Cease to burn
Art a creature
not a teacher

the mighty past
not in your grasp
the great future
an inane tutor suitor

It is the present
that make pleasant
the only "our"
Without sour

Unto the day
sufficient is
Its evil say
Sufficient is
content [indecipherable] this.

The eye then clear
the heart without no fear
a healthy tone
God’s will be done

Go Germanize
materialize
Thou nothing know
yet feel the blow

Curs’d be my pate
If this my fate
Bless’d [indecipherable] is
[indecipherable] wisdom is –

[Page 255]

Birthday – 33!

[Newspaper extract in top left half; Victoria Square Academy.
annotated: and 50 pictures drawings & sepia]

children all well
wife quite well
mother & father do:

I owe about £200 my sins are innumerable – my disposition too enquiring – with "tendency of disgust those make wretched" I have been tolerably well during the year The puzzling quest of the age is the [indecipherable] of the race – the inspiration of the Bible – the earthly testing of man & which is the true religion – Why this should bother me – I know not. – Why this should cause an hour’s concern – I know not. while my soul is [indecipherable], surely this is [indecipherable] – cui bono? Were I to prove all things – men would not believe it. Men follow their inclinations, not their reason – not altogether their convictions or the [indecipherable] hand – This – because it is - must be the only safe rule. if ordained by God – then it is right – Spout we how we like. any "ism" is better than scepticism. There is no happiness in that. God be merciful to me, a searcher after truth, and a sinner –

[Page 256]

500 Copies of "Old [indecipherable] " – to Col. festival –

Dec 4 – Mother & Father arrived. –
Dec 5 – Read a paper before the Phi. Society on Dried fruits – was reprinted in the Daily Register. – great jabber - um & so on.

Dec 22 Just conceived the idea - of writing a something for the grand occasion of the celebration of the Col.’s majority. – price 6 pence – done it –
Dec 25. Christmas Day – a Goose – (I won it at raffle) – 2 fowls – 1 from the isd– pudding for dinner – Hansen [indecipherable] vinter – The. 110° & 90° in sh
Dec 26 – printed it – 500 copies all on spec. my first lity spec. 6d ea. See other Bk – for copies. Have bought one. also my Prosp. of the ‘Red Kangaroo’ 32 pgs – Oct. get 70 sub.

Sunday Dec 27. Mrs Worley married – to Mr Sanders. – Heard the Bishop tonight – said it was’nt the Gospel that caused Rel. Wars – but man’s passions –
hum!
Dec 28. Majority of the Colony – 8000 at the Bay under the old Pine Tree - & then o horrors – it rained! rained!! rained !!! & the 8000 – got drenched & drenched & all the sports were stopped - & I lost all the sale of my (hay for the 28th ).
What a day! – unprecedented. – it continued to rain at 12 & ruined for ever all the 8000 shirts & shifts - hats & bonnets spoiled.

[Page 257]

Great failures in Eng. News from India bad
Father sailed – Hansen bought house 140.

Morphett Street. Jany 1. 1858.
Regatta at the Park – saw one race - took Freddy with me – whale boats! – Tried Wood cutting – think I shall succeed. – Income for the last year £450. - £150, odd less than 1856 – Mrs Farrells two daughters married – Miss Ina [indecipherable] [indecipherable] to Mr Williams & to Bert Sanders X11 Reg. Father is off next week – I have spent my holidays indifferently – seen nothing.

A few days after – Father sailed to the Light, his saly - raised to £200.

Still later – opened school on the 11th with a tolerable number. – Jany 16 – news from Engld disastrous – great money panic – failures on failures – Bank of Eng. Charter stopped – failures all over Europe & Americas the mutiny in India still very bad - licking the Chinese a bit – Europe tranquil. The diggings much about the same, Our colony pretty fair, - although several failures in the flour Traders. – Hansen thinks of joining with me – he to teach German - & I English.(?)
Jany 24. – no go – Hansen & self - cant unite. – he takes girls – I do not want girl scholars – so no go – Hansen has bought a little house & garden £140.
hot hot, hot. – hot as - I dont know what. –

[Page 258]

New era – turned money lender.
New idea of Hell -. Extremely hot - 150°
20 peo: died of sun stroke

Jany 24. I have begun a new era I have lent out £6.-0-0 for a few wks for 6% - turn usurer at last – Shylock – Well I must do something – Great many failures latterly in Adelaide over trading in the flour & wheat line
Black & Wright give £20,000. - & More talked of . – Have [indecipherable] to engaged Bell as assistant – he is an insolvent Teacher – chief cause laziness, & high living – but under one he’ll do better – so they say
Melbourne orders 100 (to begin with) of my new bk - Kupirri – which will be published in 10 days – getting on pretty well.

Grand & new idea for a painting of Hell – Make it full of run-away trains at top speed – rushing over & amongst souls in narrow ways - & coming from all quarters!

Jany 28. Extremely hot – unprecedentedly so – for the last 5 or 6 days - & no sign of change – people being sun struck right & left – quite alarming – 15 babies died yesterday – Inquests 2 & 3 per [indecipherable]. The. in the sun in KZ. N. Sh. 150° in shade 110° 114 ° 111° &c –

Jany 29 – Hot – Hot. Upward of 20 people have been killed by sun stroke or from the effects of this excessive heat. –

[Page 259]

hot! hot!! hot!!! – Mother sailed

a dreadful no. of babies died – Death in its most sudden form has been stalking about our streets. no one safe.
Sunday Jany 31. Thank God – a change – quite cool – it began yesterday – all of us gents babies &c. slept till 10 to 8 am – this morning – the first night of sleep for 10 nights.
There was a picnic up in the hills on Friday last - & such a day! & although it was held in the bed of the River yet sad to say one of the gents - was sunstruck & died there & then. – The fruit has been scorched and horses killed.

Sunday Feby 28 1st Just returned after seeing my mother off from the Port – Went round with her to the Semaphore Hotel – 25 m in the "May"- Smith master – sailed at 4 & got there at 10. Landed & slept at the Hotel - & came home this morning – I think she will have a short passage weather fine - As the night closed in - & the tiny craft kept breaking through the sea – foaming to leeward – darkness veiling all - & the dim dim waters speaking of a cold insensible & horrid indifference – I could not help noticing – the low & half

[Page 260]

The old Mariner

melancholy ditty of the man at the helm.
There he stood [indecipherable]the helm, as the weather roll turned the ship- & half swinging himself to preserve his balance - casting his weather beaten & aged face aloft from time to time to watch the shaking of the gaff topsail- still chanting in the broken accents of age the beloved words of an ancient & beloved ditty.- Sailors generally prefer long songs -& his was a long one - what it spokee of - is difficult to say- but its ancient charm – the charm of a bygone association still clings arround his heart with a full & perfect feeling. The old mariner with his back bent - with his grisly beard- with the fall and heave of the ship – with the inky waters around- focusing in horrid discord under the lee gunnel - still chants his melancholy ditty to his own heart & his own soul.
Relieved of this out at the helm he went forward - & propped up against the mast- the spray occasionally wetting his weather worn visage -&his as the vessel rose & fell, wi you could dimly discern his tall figure like some [indecipherable] [indecipherable] of the orchard swing to & fro – now a touching the sky & then sinking beneath the dark waves - and still ever & anon the strains of his old song - swept aft & were carried away to the cold unfeeling billows.

[Page 261]

An Author! 500 Legends of Kupirri

Speaking of yrs – stories - & places, & friends & of lands – long long since left – forgotten or passed away - it Speaking of love & home of hopes high & low – of sorrow & all the circle of sad experiences of a single life –
Ah! To man as you sang – my heart yearned towards you - & my eye filled.
But my reverie was rudely broken – by the hoarse command of – "Jib sheet!!" for the vessel was in stays, 7 the jib was in the wind’s eye.

Mar 14 Within 48 hours of being a veritable author – dear me – I am already disgusted with the effort – Printers lie – lie - lie – began in Decr & only now done, quite disgusted but must pocket my feelings - & pay the piper – I have got about 140 nrs: subscribed for. - I have been asked to join in bringing out a book about "Australian Buildg" but I have been thinking of lecturing upon Australian scenery – Whites’ Room - &c/ - entrance with music – I am endeavouring to find time to go up the Murray - 1800 miles, & then to publish a Book – or give it in Lectures. –

March 16 printed 500 "Legends of Kupirri" - sold & distributed nearly half. –
What a bother to get a book out.
Got paid to the extent of £3-8-6.

[Page 262]

What is painting? – Sarah off to Syd. XII reg.

Another time – ‘Kupirri’ goes off slowly – as did "Hiawatha" of Longfellow – How we jump at the comparison! – Grand aim – Exhibition of the Art Union – am disgusted with my own doings – What is painting? – Am I to follow nature? An ideal nature? - am I to take a box of colors - arrange & blend them in the most harmonious whole – with a sketch from nature as a a framework. – such seems to be the case, heavens know what is the standard of painting – What the models. I always thought: that if I saw a wet day I was to paint it – of green trees - [indecipherable] green - & so on - as nature under all aspects - & I could never equal nature, but thank God 70 yrs are on time now and then free from all these conflictions - & contradictions - & puzzlings there is no artificial area in daubings.

Sunday April 11/58 – Just seen Sarah Corporal Spencer’s wife off with the Detachmt of the 12th (90 odd) per Havilah (SS) for Sydney – such crying & shouting & drinking & dust & noise – such good girls & bad girls – such parting & grieving – they have been several years here - & naturally feel leaving.
They take the place of the 70th the latter going to India to be "used up" I suppose in the revolt. – Sarah only came from [indecipherable] Bay last night - & off today – alas! All must part. – sooner or later.

[Page 263]

A Lament

The Lament (impromptu) of Mrs Bunkins Apr 18/58
I
Oh! thou dear delightful garden, must I leave thee
My apricot & plum, my apple & my pear tree
And thou my odoriferous little piggery
Sunbowered in ivy, jessamint shrubbery
II
Here down the long straight paths I used to walk & roam
And crying look for Fred, [indecipherable] to his home
Here with playful dog, or merry kitten skipping down
Weeding – plucking grapes – or hanging out a gown
III
Or on the doorstep sitting, in the cooling breeze
Rosentate’s music, softly swelling through the trees
Talking harmless gossip, or doing what I please
Scolding Emma, kissing Freddy, or catching f—s
IV
Through the open window, into my pleasant room
Flecking with bright light, shines the silvery summer morn
Ah still methinks I hear that interesting call
Tis dear baby, in what – wretch Cawthorne calls – a squall.
V
The flowers will glow, & blossom every day
But wh’ll bind their tendrils, & train them in the way
Up around the window, in & out the arbour –
When I think of this, - the leaving [parting] is the harder.
VI
There shows the well known spot where the dusty Bus
Against which oft I vainly vented my disgust
When for two whole days, we’ve been kept asunder
I & Mrs Cawthorne & I - through some stupid blunder

[Page 264]

A lament – Mr & Mrs Bunkins & family sailed
VII
Adieu! Adieu! My house my land my hens my pig
Ye alone I care for, else aught – care I not a fig
To one only I leave my concentrated scorn
Ill tempered bookworm – queer crossgrained old Cawthorne
VIII
Yet so I cannot leave – it is not in my heart
Soft memories oer me creep, as time draws near to part
Farewell to all, my home for one & twenty years
Farewell – my heart is full, - excuse my using [the welling] tears

B [indecipherable] – who knows Mrs B - & myaelf – will readily recognise the aptness of these, & at the same time queer remarks –

Saturday May 1st – Bunkins off – saw them off – per "Admella" – Stm sailed about ¼ to 4 pm. – fine weather Vessel full of passengers – Thus we part – It is a curious enigma – is civilized life – the necessity of "getting on" – over masters all the sentiments of nature - [indecipherable][indecipherable] [indecipherable] with new distance – may oppose – but "getting on" triumphs - & as for the smaller matter of friendship" &c – they are never considered. Well I suppose it must be so & with "Pope" – that great theologian – ‘What is, is right!’ – We are creatures not of a cruel – but may be – kindest destiny. –
Where is the teacher to teach us?
Where is the Guide to guide us
Happy man that cares naught for these things
& yet Preachers say – "of such is the Kingdom of Hell"

[Page 265]

[Newspaper extract – poem – untranscribed]

[Right margin April 21/58 in the "Times"]

[Page 266]

Answer – but I did not send it to be printed

Kupirri goes off rather slowly – some say. quickly - for this colony. – 300 are out - & about 2/3 sold – perhaps more.

[Page 267]

[Small extract from newspaper]

[Page 268]

[Duplicate page]

[Page 269]

T. party TCSC "Jims" dead – Lectures at Norwood Martha Dear Mt Lofty

May 19 Grand T. party at Trinity Church School – from the Govr downward – guests 500 present – went off very well –

The ‘Jims" newspaper – dismal Jimmy [indecipherable] – died last week – all sold off – for the Creditors. – In trying some gymnastic exercises I sprained my ankle. –

May 25/58 – deld a Lecture at the
Norwood Inst; - on the
Ocean and its phenomena
Room full – was requested to give another

May 28/ - Was called – at my break – to visdit Martha Haines – on her death bed – how dread a sight – consumption – She has been only 8 mths married – O god – assist me to comprehend my last day. –

May 29. Martha is dead. Died at 5 ½ pm. She died quietly – she knew she could not live days ago – Visited with Annie – Martha in her coffin – what a change death makes – What an end! death! – Ah! The mystery of life!

May 31 paid recently a visit to Mt Lofty – to get native flowers – with Annie – Freddy – Charley & Needham – got drenched - made a fire & dried ourselves pretty well – return home better than we expected very pleased with our trip – such beautiful wild flowers.

[Page 270]

[Newspaper extract]

Right top half and across foot:
War! War!

June 8 – Melbourne Bl. Tel. open - & almost first news probable War with France & Russia - & reverses in India sad news –
To arms to arms
Sounds everywhere

June 11 1858

Wood engraving 1
Painting
Sketching
Rhyming
Wood printing
Native Mythology
General Literature
Lecture Writing & delivery
Conchology 10
Geology
Hebrew
Greek
Latin
German
French
Dutch 17
These are the subjects of my study – more or less – unhappy by fits and starts, yet from time to time I tackle them – This list with my ordinary occupation gives me much to do – but after all I am an unprofitable gent – I also perform 2 a week – Gymnastics besides scheming - & inventing attending public meetings & Committees - &c
Such is life and humbug too.

[Page 271]

June 16 – Have to deliver a lecture at the Mitcham Inst. on the 25 – short notice - & must repeat me on hand – Saw Tomkinson yesterday - & settled about overdrawing my a/c – I could lend £500 out if I had it – I must do with ½
My Exn next week – Red Kangaroo will clear expenses & that’s all – I fear – I don’t advertise – If they take ages to sell I don’t mind – I wont incur expenses –

Another time – del Lecture at Mitchams good att. & all that – the Dean lent me his horse – presided at a Bible Society meeting at [indecipherable] – 400 present –

Another time July 2. What is the end of all this life? & strife – this lending of money? – this getting of interest – the puffing of oneself - & mortgaging the public? - I am only a percolating machine through which the money – runs – the Baker – Butcher – clothier - &c &c – catching it, as it drops – my cast my debtors pay my creditors - & save me the trouble
Been busy all my holidays – (2 wks) doing up my garden &c – summer house &c –

Mr Nicholas has come into town - & taken a situation at Mr Young’s School – as classical master - £150 poor wages –

[Page 272]

July 15 – poor Coulthard’s remains found in the far N. his tin was found – with a sad broken & short record of his sufferings – scratched on it with a nail –
"drank my horses blood – tongue sticking – mouth parched – eyes dim" - &c – I saw this tin – such as usually carried by Bushman –

[sketch of canteen that is inscribed ‘I never reached water’] Sketch of Coulthard’s canteen – exhibited at the Exch.
[Left margin:] as in instance of the dryness of an atmosphere the Canteen appeared without a spot of rust - & this writing was fresh & shiny as if done today –
[right margin] although it must have been done two months ago & laying out the Bush.
[Centre foot] Newspaper extract of similar material untranscribed

[Page 273]

Augt 1 . Yesterday – public reception of Mr Gregory & party, including horses Exploring for after poor Leichardt’s remains from Moreton bay via Victoria Rim & Central desert – of our colony – 100 days out – discovered no remains – going to give him a public Breakfast – 10/6 a ticket – on the 7th Some thousand turned out to meet him – they travelled all on horseback had no dray – but carried their dried beef in pack bags harnessed on the horses 30 in number & followed in a mob – 9 men I think in all. Went to the bay yesterday afternoon for a ride – Mrs Farrell having lent me his horse – I looked over the sea & longed to have a boat of my own to pay a visit to the "light". –
I am half life over & I own not a horse nor a boat – nor a gun – three essentials for this world - & I suppose I shall die without enlarging my horizon – a few degrees. – shall accumulate for others to spend – so we grumble & live

August 7 – Went to the Theatre with wife 2d time in my life. - the Nelson family acted – with the patronage of Gregory & his explorers – full house – subject – the [indecipherable] family - & an extravaganza – they cheered Gregory a bit – but he looked so sheepish – Farrell told me (he dined with him) that he was a modest man. –

[Small sketch] Mr Gregory

[Page 274]

[A finer sketch of canteen]

Facsimile of Coulthard’s can Writing * on his can – (with a nail or knife) only enlarged that is as compared with the size of this sketch. The real size of the [indecipherable] was NEVER
- the paper printed it – I sketched it the other day
* scratched –

[repeat sketch of canteen]

[Page 275]

[repeat of page 273 with lower half blocked out]

[Page 276]

[repeat of page 274 with newspaper extract added in lower half] June 23/58

[Page 277]

[short newspaper extract]
left margin: This review did me good – I sold few directly

August 18. Oh that I were rich! - & then Oh! That I were poor! – Ass! Learn to be content. – but this world wont let me . – you must either go on - or go backward. – The Rev T. Binney. Great gen. has arrived – all the world & his wife want to hear him – magnified him & lauded him. He was a schoolfellow of my father’s – Got Gregory’s [indecipherable] in [indecipherable] – note Bk - & rough sketches - & am copying them – not very interesting – some people travel with their eyes open – others, shut – The War in India still going on – We have 100,00- soldiers Queen’s troops there. The China War not settled yet – Lord Elgin gone to Peking Likely to have war with America - & as to [indecipherable] – any day. – I support war in a normal state of things. – Things are dull in Adelaide.
School but middling – hang it – The Genl Journal is dead – 17 yr old

[Page 278]

[short newspaper extract]
left margin:
This critique of [indecipherable] is "cutting me up’ [indecipherable] surely he stultifies himself - & praising when he meant to blame he forgets

Augt 20 – Got Gregory’s veritable diary of his Exploring time from Moreton Bay via Vic.Rim Cooper Creek to Adelaide – with rough sketches.
The letter I am copying – for myself & God knows

August 24 St Bartholemew’s day – This evening - Richardson Reid – an old pupil of mine was ordained Deacon in Trinity Church –

Augt 28 – Went with Wyatt – Duck shooting for a night. rode 16 miles came on to rain & blow & had to return – deferred until next morn –
Our season of Par just opened –
Sept 5 – Queer [indecipherable] this is – infernally queer. The [indecipherable] upsets everything – Just heard from the Isd – Mother not well – write a letter – swelling - [indecipherable] pain &c – this [indecipherable][indecipherable] – must be cancers! [indecipherable] "directly to come off’ - operation – off to the

[Page 279]

Sail in the "Éclair" - got blown back – Visit Govt House & Gov
[indecipherable] I sht 16 ducks – Mother arrived.

Directly – to get a vessel – vessel just sailed – a few hours before – bad business life & death says the Doctor. Wags his head most ominously – all of us upset. Dreadful dreadful – I shall have to go to the Isd - & break the news – Oh dear me – what trouble –

Sept 8 – After amazing deal of trouble started in the "Éclair" - schooner – for & aft – got to Yankalilla – then within 15 or so from K Is – gale of wind – vessel no ballast nearly run over by a great ship in the night cut back - to Port Ad! & on Sunday up to Town – confound it – sick - [indecipherable] -& worried – hang it – always so – curse it.

Sept 14. To Govt House - [indecipherable] – the Govr & wife & perhaps 80 or 100 Guests. Members of the Ad: Phil. Society – "Your Govr" as he always calls himself – being president – invited us the members to a [indecipherable] – wasn’t particularly pleased – men are men after all – I should have spent my evening to more purpose – translating German…. A Latin letter has appeared in the papers - & attributed to me! alas! What a sarcasm.

Sept 19. Went duck shooting with Wyatt in to Port Gawler – such a journey! [indecipherable] holes creeks &c - I shot 15 – W. – 1

Sept 22 – Mother arrived To Port to fetch her.

[Page 280]

Port Curtis diggings – Binny – Bus. [indecipherable]
2 mails from Eng. R.C. Uni C. B.C. chs

Sept 26. Great stir about Port Curtis’ Gold Diggings – thousand moving away from Sydney - & the Gold fever showing symptoms in Adelaide. 3 vessels going to sail from here & many from Melbourne – Port Curtis is 800 miles N of Sydney.-
Sunday – Oct 3 – Been to the Catholic cath. Called at the Unitarian ch. – then at the Bible Christian – 1.e. at the visible – the reasonable - & the ignorant – or the efficacy of the sacraments – the efficacy of reason - & the efficacy of ignorance – God help us! – the one is feeling - the other intellect & the other impudence –
Another time – Business very dull – no money – If I had money just now – I could make money – so much in demand – No mail from Europe for two months – i.e. overdue 2 m. Revd Mr Binny – gave a lecture 900 attended The 1/6 ticket went up to 21/ ! Teaching Navigation to Debny of the "Orient" Doctor not decided as to Mother’s case – Port Curtis diggings gain the most contrary a/c – Discovery of a valuable copper mine in the N. A man & a boy dug out 150£ in a day – Blight in the crops in parts –
Oct (something) Arrival of mail (2) grand doings at Cherbourg – Queen gone there & to Berlin peace with China we can do what we like (see Treaty) India more quiet. No letter from F.C. hang it! – Port Curtis diggings turning out bad. Trade bad in Ad. Gave a lecture at T.C.S.S. have to give another – Babbage recalled – News cheering in Eng. –

[Page 281]

a comet! Binny – Port Curtis bad news

Oct 16 A comet has been visible for these last 2 or 3 nights - [small illustration] has a long tail – perhaps it is the one of 1554 - & perhaps it is [indecipherable] – splendid object. – every night it rises higher. This fellow is not to be compared with the one of 1843 – that was a comet see Ante (1843). Diaries – Adelaide very much depressed in pocket – Attd Phil. Society &c.
Another day – Binny is off on the 25th great Breakfast to him - last week. Tickets 8/6 or 8/- Govr &c &c. 300 Ladies & Gent. B spoke for 2 hours – gossip. Tried to preach in one of the churches. But the chaplain would not allow it – great fuss – the Govr – signed their requisition. Mother’s case not decided yet grand affair of the St. [indecipherable] in St John’s Ch. – attended – 500 or 600 present. Saturday Went to the Port – & on board the Steamer "Sturt". Murray River [indecipherable] [small illustration of boat] no mast. The Burra Burra has put back – lost her screw in a gale of wind.
Friday Oct 24. Heard Binny last time at the Scotch Church, crowded – a sound service but not attractive - Hosea - V111. 14. He sails tomorrow in the Havilah. Hot wind & dust. The Port Curtis Rush over, bad news – diggers starving – all bosh – only one take above 100 oz Sad affair. – our own little Diggings the Exchange – is better – should like to visit it. Ship dispatched to get distressed diggers

[Page 282]

Kupirri - Govt House – Stuart’s [indecipherable]

The Revd – Mr Gardner gave a lecture - & cut up "Kupirri" most tremendously – acc: to him – it has neither rhyme nor reason - as to the first it might be true but as to the 2nd – he lies –

[small newspaper cutting – letter to the editor re Rev. Mr Gardner V. "Kupirri" Nov 4, 1858]

Nov 16 To Govt House – spent a pleasant evening. Had to make a speech before all - & got a comt appointed – to carry out my project viz. The Govt – Capt Fruling
C. Todd,
G Francis,
W.A. Cawthorne – to meet at Govt House, & draw up report. The great [indecipherable] of the evening was Mr Stuart – the bold discoverer of the N.W. region. The map of his Trails was before us - & for an hour we were entertained by glimpses of the new country. He certainly did wonders – himself & another with 1 blk – out 3 mos. - & discovered fine country – the Parliament has given him 1500 miles for 16 years, 8 years rent free.

[Page 283]

[small newspaper cutting about Victoria-Square Academy and Value of Gymnastics] Nov: 12. 1858]

Nov 19. Had a dancing party at the School – the first in my life – coming out.

Nov 20 1858 – Just finished a "Memoir of Menge" - 8000 words – going to publish it – Cacoethes scribendi – with a german translation – as he was a German. It is a better subject than I thought. On + off – I have not spent more than 30 in 36 hours about it. I have 10 shares in the Nat. Bank – I am frightened about them – I think I’ll sell out. Attended 2 meetings – I think people like myself ought not to dabble in such matters.

Nov 23, 1858. Morphett Street, Adelaide, S.A. – Birthday – No 34. how many more? It is x– 1 at least – Shall I live 2 X 34.? What would have been the consequence, had I never been born? Then Freddy – [indecipherable] - [indecipherable] would not have been born - & the influences on the world by their existence would have passed away - £ 6000 would not have been spent in Butcher, Baker, clothier’s Bills, rent & household – 200 tons of headache – 200 tons of toothache 40 tons

[Page 284]

of general illness – 180 tons of weakness would have been saved – 1000 quarrels, & a million sins, would have been nonexistent – evil thoughts – crooked thoughts - absurd thoughts all prevented – also Despondency - low spirits - & what have I on the other side of the a/c – a willing but a circumscribed spirit – an enquiring but unsatisfied mind - a heart that loves - & hence its pains. A cwt of pleasure – 2 cwts of right actions - & 3 cwts of openness but I stop – if I had never been born, my soul would never have been in peril – Damnation & Salvation would not have played the weathercock with my poor spirit - On the whole, I think life a poor boon, without the certainty of everlasting Salvation – to be uncertain about the matter is damnation – to be certain – with present evidence, is presumption. Oh! God! "But if one rose from the Dead"? O thou! from whom my life came & to whom my life returns – pity the strugglings of an illformed heart – longing to be with thee yet having no certitude of being accepted by Thee – Oh God! The misery of Doubt! My day of life will soon be ended – & the night of life succeeds Help, or I live & die in despair – "Speak Lord, & thy servant heareth!" Oh the Saviour of Man – Bless me for ever – Amen. Confessedly Religion is man’s chief concern – Money ends – houses crumble, posterity dies. The world twirls round – the sun beams & the

[Page 285]

34 Birthday – Assets –heaven
Liabilities – hell
Balance – Doubt

stars shine – but man – what of him? He goes to hell says one to heaven says another, to nothing says another. Doubtful says a fourth – Don’t know says fifth – God help me, says a sixth – Have mercy on us, say I? The saddest feature of the past year – is - the fact that Mother has at least 2 cancers! – two death warrants. - & no reprieve! - The chief event of the last year is my becoming an author – or a fool – (another time). Blessed is the man that does not think – such is my feeling for the past year. It may be a wicked thought – but alas! I feel it too true. The political world – is the little man multiplied. "Cherburgh" - finished & armed - & England very suspicious – the great Tel: cable laid between Am. & Eng. The gold yield in Vic. still continues – about 100 tons per ann. Ad: Mel. & Syd. connected by El. Telg - (another time).
One feels thoughtful on a Birthday – but what is the use of thought if it is to be expended in sighs? Deeds & Deeds only make the man, alas now I am pulled two ways, as another St Paul. - The problem of life is too grand an affair to be indifferent about & yet my poor reason to be [indecipherable] any guide - is a miserable pilot. Cast upon the waters of strife, in the cockle boat of life – with the helm of sense – the sails of reason & and an old old chart - though sure in generals yet so faulty in particulars - I am called upon to steer to heaven or hell. Oh! blessed God – my reckoning is wrong – & though my compass is true for it still points to Christ - & I know not the course I have to take

[Page 286]

Freddy & mother to KI. – self [indecipherable] "Menge" – sheep station – school.

Friday Nov 26 – Mother & Freddy sailed to Kangaroo Is in the "Éclair."
Decr 10 – A man owed me £ 16.11.0 - has bolted – too bad.
Dec 13 – great talk about a new rush at Handorf Gold diggings – the indications are good gold nuggetty.

[Line Flourish] Finis for 1858

Jany 9 1859 – Returned from K.Is. after 3 wks absence – had to be landed on the mainland & walked night & day – oh such a walk! & so got home – alls well that ends well. -

Jany 14 Painting my journey to the Isd. - 20 Prosp. of the Life of "Menge." - The R.K. has paid all its expenses besides leaving me the Woodcuts & 200 copies. & about 3 to £4. cash in hand. Considering I never advertised – beyond a few shillings – I think it very fair.

Jany 22 – Just heard of a good thing! £[indecipherable]4000 sheep for sale – price with run - £6000 – half down half in [indecipherable] – am trying for it – 150 N.E. Sheep are a money making & a money losing thing – of course I leap look before I leap.
School looks better than I expected it – at least it is gradually getting up in terms I began – 18 yrs ago at 1/- a week, now my lowest is

[Page 287]

A Christmas Trip

26 /- per Qt - & highest 2-2-0, besides Drawing Gymnastics & German Extras

[Two newspaper cuttings about A Christmas Trip and Mercantile charges]

[Page 288]

Newspaper clipping –Tariff of Tasmania, etc.

Feby 5 Sunday – Very Very hot. fires all over the country – Feby 8. Very destructive fires destroyed 10000 Bushels of wheat & burnt many farmers in the S. districts – quite a public calamity Apr:/59 Total loss by fire £18000
Feb 11- attended a meeting of creditors gave the men each 18 mos to pay

[Page 289]

[Printed on left side]

A Christmas Trip
26/- per Qt - & highest 2-2-0 besides Drawing Gymnastics -& German Extras.

Printed article "A Christmas Trip"

[Page 290]

A Christmas Trip

Jany 28/59
"Register-"

[Section of printed article "A Christmas Trip" on the left hand side of the page.

Followed by continued extract of printed article "A Christmas Trip"

In right margin, repeat of "Feb 8, etc" from page 288]

[Page 291]

[Remainder of printed article from previous page.]

[Page 292]

"Kupirri"

[Article beginning] "Australian Poetry"

Feby 5/59

[Page 293]

[Text largely obscured.]

[Page 294]

Funerals at the diggings –
A man following his own funeral –
A mob huddling with pipes – grog bottles &c after a cart with a rough coffin – say 6 or 700 – Whose funeral here? – Oh! one of you Adelaide chaps - Who? - Why Bill [indecipherable]. – Is it – oh [indecipherable]- is it - then I’ll go too – by bye its caused a home sick - Rather! Whose funeral is this - why Bill – S. &c – For [indecipherable] – I am Bill [indecipherable] - & so it was - & Bill S. followed his own funeral & saw himself buried amidst roars of laughter.

2. An Irish funl – on the diggings – every one really tipsy one man with a can of gin & paint -another with rum & p - & stopping the [indecipherable] & all fathers – with [indecipherable] seems life - you go further [indecipherable] this – affair this [indecipherable]

3. a funeral – man carrying the coffin– drunk – coffin (made of bark & slabs – some carrying pick & shovels they came to a suitable place – dug a hole – one kneels & prays – another knocks him over. – "that’s not the way to pray you b___r - a fight ensues – all join in – fall over the coffin &c – at last with bloody faces they bury the body –

4. The man reading the prayers so drunk – that he is obliged to be held up.

5. Jerle’s [indecipherable]

6. Grover’s ob.-

Sailed by Blk

Sails the Blk [indecipherable] with a cargo of split stuff all on [indecipherable] – left Ad. – Oct – 1852

[Page 295]

Anecdotes
funerals.

[Page 296]

No 3 of Christ. Trip

[Lower right]
Feby 8. Truly I have discovered "perpetual motion" – tis thus - a tube full of water with an [indecipherable] band to which are attached tubes wooden tubes full of water - on their downward course they weigh (say) 10 tons. on their upward course through the water - nothing & so on for ever as long as material will last. I am now making a model.

(Includes a sketch of the machine.)

[Page 297]

The Machine! The Machine!

Mar 7. After 2 weeks of desperate hard work – produced a machine - & owing to its defective mechanisms – was a total failure – the weight of water burst it – sighed & groaned over it – night & day that I have worked at it - & commenced another. Oh the trouble to make something new. & then with such implements! – nevertheless I feel certain of success - yet why has it not arrived sooner! – aye there’s the rub – perchance it is long known - ages ago! It makes me sick of that. – however nothing ventured nothing gained – another week labouring until ½ 11 pm & another – no more – success, it must be.

Mar. 14. Another week! hard work and of course – another failure. – valves so bad – wont act – but I am at it again although I am not well – was very bad the other night – the machine is [indecipherable] for I abandoned the former one - the principle is the same? It has greatly bothered and though the simplest machine on earth.

(Included is a sketch of the machine.)

Another experiment – another failure – the water is unmanageable – on again

Another trial – had a valve & wheel burst! so a week’s work lost – Oh dear – patience.

Another & another & another experiment & another & another & another failure. How beautiful a thing looked on paper – but how horribly difficult to make – If I were to

[Page 298]

The machine! – Needham’s friendship
Death of Tudhope. –

give it out to proper workmen – my secret would be known – first the wheels are wrong – then the weights wont go – then the water bursts everything then the valves combine all the the errors of others. – alas! what trouble – 5 weeks hard work - & always a failure – in the mechanical part – but still – "at it"! – I feel positive that the principle is right – a tube 20 ft high would be 700 horse power! Think of that – even it be only 300 horse power.

March 26 – Needham has acted a rogue our friendship is at an end! –
I am printing "Menge" I think it will pay. – Sad accident at the Bank of S.A. Tudhope fell out of a gig – (being drunk) & broke his neck – he was teller. – two diamonds have been found. – Business very dull. If I could only get 2 valves I should be all right. At times I think, I can’t be right – the principle is so simple? & I ask why did not wiser heads than mine find it out long ere this? - & I feel at a loss to answer. – yet we know many things are discovered by accident – It is now more than a year that I have been poking about it –
It originated in my wish to propel a vessel – that I might go to the Isd and see my mother oftener. – I asked – why should not a vessel be propelled by water? – I thought of a water wheel inside a ship – all very well – but how to get clear of the water? – by a hole in her bottom? & valves &c.

[Page 299]

National bank, trials & failures – 500 pictures of Menge
-Menge –

Another time the National bank going ahead – I had 10 shares – sold out at a loss – another trial – and another failure – surely valves are the most difficult things this side of the Sun - & water most lively agent on earth – it wont be imprisoned – I have now gone to the Turners, got wheels & valves – I find everything must be accurate - everything must fit. – there are items of experience that will last my life -
This week I go at it again. –

Apr 15 – Trial on trials - & failures – Spent 5 hours with a turner until midnight & made a model of in zinc – next day tried it, & every day after - & always "no go". – but I’ll try again – I am limiting the difficulty into a corner. - I feel that I must triumph. I don’t want to go to expense - & that’s the main difficulty – I have attained perfection in several points – why not in all? – at it again –
Apr 16 – Busy in [indecipherable] at "Menge" No 2 work – I think it will sell well first 12 sheets struck off – We can communicate direct to Sydney there & back in 10 minutes.

May 1. Just finished printing 500 copies of 3 woodcuts for my Bk "Menge" – A tremendous job – with imperfect means at [indecipherable] –

[Page 300]

Machine Machine Patent Act

I saved however 16/. By it – I printed at the rate of 2 to 5 mins. I [indecipherable] my machine again – for I had to suspend work a while – I am getting nearer & nearer and as I get nearer, the dread conviction forces itself upon me – that I shall have to get all my things cast! Oh the expense – but a principle so grand it in its results ought not to be given up for a few £s? - At times I think is it possible? – Can it be possible that "I" should discover anything new? – Why was it not discovered before? Has not the whole circle of Mechanics & Hydraulics – been turned inside out? That perpetual motion be left to me? There are two things about it – that it should be true? - & that it should not have been discovered before. – When I think thus – I feel in despair I want to abandon it. – I am only making a fool of myself – then on the other hand it might be true. - if true – then the world will be revolutionized – millions will be the profit. The precise difference between a water mill & steam mill power. –
Difficulties I have – but I cant expect to say "presto" - & the thing is done – Curious coincidence – The Parliament has just opened & they are going to pass a "Patent Right" Bill – just the thing

[Page 301]

"Menge" finished [In rectangular block, repeated for same text later: Pace dead.]

May 7 Saturday Book No 2 finished & complete - & on Monday to be assessed & advertised What will the critics say? – find fault with the style – as if I were young – as if any man cd try to screw ones face onto their likenesses? Ugly or pretty I stand as I am – I think however it will sell – 100 go to Melbourne 150 are subscribed for - & 350 remain for sale.
May 12 Just heard through Mr [indecipherable] that Pace is dead! – a man that ought to have been a rich & prosperous man died in beggary – at the diggings – with leaving a wife & 4 children – who commenced grandly, & fell abjectly – alas! – What will not an obstinate & crooked spirit not do? – If I had had his opportunities I should have rode in my carriage. I have seen one life out.
May 13. – Sold 152 "Menge’s" – do 100 to Melbourne – and 56 in the shops – got paid £ 2-0-0
May 28 On the machine – what trouble – experiment – experiment – failure – failure – just spent 7/6 – for nothing – yet undoubtedly I am getting nearer – nearer. – tremendous job – so simple in theory, so difficult in practice –
The barque "Favorite" wrecked in Christchurch Bay with [indecipherable] – in the last gales – good thing for the "Light" – shall hear more frequently from mother – this winter. The rain has come at last. –

[Page 302]

May 26 ’55 Dale dead. –

(Newspaper extract titled: "Mr. Cawthorne’s Memoir of Menge")

S.A. Inst. Have been engaged in a series of public meetings on behalf of Mr Haile. Secy has resigned – great row – T.H. Clark the Govr of the Inst. is in great disrepute.

The "Hailes Meeting" concluded – great indignation both sides. - but no good for H. – the fact is – H. is lazy - & that’s the mother of all sin – "Menge" goes off steadily – although I should like to have heard from Melbourne – My Exn yesterday June 17. very well attended. – progressing with my machine, I have abandoned valves taken to stop cocks – but they are too dear – & so small in the bore – only to think had a practical man seen my machine he could have onceinformed me about these stop cocks – & so months of trials saved - but in theory my valve scheme seems better however at it again - & again -

[Page 303]

½ Yearly Exn & Headache

(Newspaper Extract: "Victoria-Square Academy.")

Note in left margin: Register June 20/59.

Notes in right margin:

Enjoying my holidays –i.e. with an infernal headache – I have read somewhere about a fellow that wrote about the blessedness or desirableness or something of Pain Hang him! did he ever have a headache? did he ever have either 2 to 3 hours sick? no he – if so he’d soon sing another tune – about the examples he cites of falling in the fire &c – why of course it is desirable that one should feel & burn -& so on. but an even recurring headache without rhyme or reason to [indecipherable].

That ill of flesh – is absurd. Cowards talk of battles – a gentlemen at [indecipherable] of shipwrecks - &

[Page 304]

My Machine – "Marian" Letter to Govr

familiar wretches – of the good of pain . - &c – "Menge" nearly all sold. – good. – My machine – nearer! nearer! – now as I have said then round about 50 times, he [indecipherable] must have been the first steps – the first [indecipherable] - & as perhaps I shall have to use them another 50 times – how remand is just the [indecipherable] first . It has this shape now. (A sketch of the machine is included here.) the simplest machine in the World. – I have made various experiment & all true. – one more step & I am done or undone.

Saturday July 2. The last day of my midwinter holidays - & accordingly I devoted it to a grand experiment of my machine. – at about 6 p.m. commenced pouring water in – but the result was only a fresh list of faults – thus - [indecipherable] wheel not in the centre – the endless band was cut through by the sharp edges of the stop cocks – the small holes in the kegs were not in the centre – the weights rather too large – The top wheel out by half an inch. - [indecipherable]. – at 10 o’clock at it again – Success seems to be plainer & plainer – The file – the hammer & adjustment will do it –

Been reading sketches of Bulwer Disreali –Derby –- &c. – clever fellows – a new coll – prod.n entitled "illusion" has come out – monthly pts – 1/6 ea. – the first pt took well – the 2d I dont think will – it is so dreadfully flat - & full of hymns – conversion &c. – it may suit a certain class – published at Mt. Barker. – creditable printing –

[Page 305]

Letter to Govr – War!! War!

July 2 – Sent a letter to the Govr about the Public. Competitive Exms. the Parl having voted £200. It contained my plan. - I wonder what Elephant will say.

July 17. War! War! war with Austria Sardin against Sardinia & France- England Neutral - The Austrians 120,000 strong are in Piedmont – The fr French 100,000 strong are at Genoa - Every body thinks – England must go in also.- She arming as at the highest state of the Russian War - We i.e. Adelaide is arming too.

July 9. My machine – experiments satisfactory – results nugatory but Perpetual motion is not to be discovered & established in a day. –

July 16. Hang the machine! It breaks my rest – makes me crusty – disheartens me – I am like a man who sees the road but as got on the wrong side of the ‘Gully – I must retrace my steps – There is not power enough in my machine – it is like making a [indecipherable] watch – the parts are so delicate – I must make its parts on a larger scale – All this is trouble and failure – I am revising "Kupirri" & enlarging it -

[Page 306]

Soiree of "Inst" – Machine – News of War –

Attended a Soiree of the "Inst" last night – Needham gave a lecture on Sebastapol. quaint, & humorous – good – Brains well in Adelaide – picture of the Soiree

(Sketch of people, some named.)

Saturday July 23
Had a man up to take order & measure of 2 new stop cocks for my machine which is my ultimatum – upon them I stand or fall

They are very expensive, but I must have them. Surely I must succeed, what is there to hinder me? Firm & [indecipherable] him I scanned its supposed defects – but all came out clear & in came a large balance to its favour. All my recent experiments have been good – What bothers me now is the size of the hole in the left of the stop cock - & what string to use – wire? catgut? Worsted? - silk? crochet cotton? I think worsted – I long, yet dread the day of final experiments. Yet I cannot be wrong.
4 days late news – the Austrians have lost 20 ships & 2 or 3 sorties – May England be quiet -

[Page 307]

New Country Discovered by Stewart

School is confoundly Dull – No money. Went to the Theatre last Wednesday, [indecipherable] Kate O’Reilly’s benefit – the Wife of Sheridan Knowles – good acting - & "Nan the good for Nothing" – The Govr patronized
Stewart has just returned – splendid discovery of good country – Water Water everywhere – which I need not say – is a precious rare article in S. Aus. All up in arms about it.
Tuesday July 26. To Govt House – Govr invited the members of the Phi: society & also a lot of others & their ladies – "brilliant assembly". Govr dressed in black, white kids & his never to be separated medal dangling from his button hole – comes in, into the big room with – loud – & quite forgot the hour – pray him [indecipherable] ditto Mrs so & so strides – stage strides about – shaking hands & talking all the while.
Bishop Short walks in with his lady – the latter dressed in green. Davenport & his lady a pocked marked megatherium i.e. the he - coats & blue coats also Babbage the would be explorer & Warburton that ran after Babbage & could’nt catch him two superlative donkeys - & Stewart the real explorer, who has returned from a successful exploration & who is just – to cross the continent - £ 2000 being offered as a premium – he was the lion of the evening – he is

[Page 308]

Invited to Govt House – War News – 20,000 Austr killed.
[small sketch of Stewart]

A very little man - & talks of everything he has found – rather in the superlative degree nevertheless - of energy "& a good bushman - Sir Chas. Casper made him a speech.
ditto the Dean of Adelaide (Farell) a long ditto from the Govr. The bishop read a paper on "Paleontic Geology" plenty of darkness & no light. Mr Kingston speaker of the House of Assembly – Mr Fisher, President of the Legislative Council – Hon J Morphett besides many other Hons – a good sprinkling of Revds Church & dissent – coffee first & negus (claret & sherry) & sandwiches, afterwards - concluded the affair – left past 11.
August 6. Great excitement, been heavily expecting the Eng. Mail for the last week – at last it comes – two jockeys are engaged to race up this news from Glenelg when the [indecipherable] steamer lands the mail – Flash jack comes in 2 & Poinsiry first & gets £ 40. News – 3 battles – the Austrians evacuate Italy – lose 20,000 men. The French mad with joy England quiet local news, enrolling Volunteers with Enfield rifles – the crops very bad, great cry for rain – alas this is a bad country for rain. It is either a deluge, or nothing at all. -

[Page 309]

"Wreck of the "Admella"
Saturday Augt 13. We have been through a week of horror – The Admella is wrecked!! near Cape Northumberland – 70 passengers – 2 saved – a dozen or so on the wreck & this is the 7th day - & all the rest drowned in one full sweep. It happened this day week between 4 & 5am. The "Corio", The "Ant", the "Ladybird" & now the M.S. "Niger" – all steamers - have been trying since Tuesday last - besides life boat & whale boats, but without avail – to save the survivors – All Adelaide is at a standstill – prayers offered up everywhere - alas prayer meetings everything is forgotten except the "Admella" – people crowd round the Tel. office – till past midnight. The Parlt [indecipherable] adjourned for a week, £ 500 offered for saving any survivors, just heard that C. Fisher has offered to sacrifice one of the steamers, & he’ll stand the expense just been informed the Tel line broken somewhere. The telegrams not to be relied on – both papers issue slips by hundred, as each Telegram arrives.

Saturday 8pm. Glorious news – 22 saved, saved at the risk of life – most imminent - yet one poor passenger was drowned after all in the beach surf. Oh! God! What a week we

[Page 310]

Wreck of the Admella – 103 souls, 24 saved, 79 perished

have passed through – Throngs stood round the Tel. office – and the last rush for the telegram announcing those saved was beyond Description.
Wednesday – Harrowing, most harrowing are the Details – without food, without water – for seven days and nights – people in their night dress, Miss Ledruth or Ledwith (only woman saved) – rushed up in her night clothes & so remained. The boiler burst – the vessel collapsed, a raging torrent divided stem from stern – 2’s & 3’s were washed off - in one night 20 died – the mainmast falling smashed many.

Thursday the list of passengers widens it now numbers 80 or 90.

Saturday – The number now is 103 and only 24 saved. The cause of wreck shrouded in mystery.

Friday the 26 – all the church & chapels had sermons about the wreck – a full narrative will be published shortly – I have saved all the telegrams as mementos.

Another day – all agog about Volunteering – had meeting at my house – going to get up a company.

[Page 311]

Volunteering! Peace! Machine – Lieutenant (self)

Monday Augt 29. Another move in life – another upward or downward step – I have been a recruiting sergeant this last week – got 50 volunteers - & tomorrow going to organize a company – Dr Mayo to be captain. We are in for 3 years. Anything but the Militia.

Sept 10. The company is formed – commence drill on Monday night – I have lent them my Academy for a lecture room. Lieut Gibson lectures on the "Enfield rifle" – we have 2000 in the colony. The news from Europe is startling viz "Peace"! in the midst of success – Nap offers peace!! No one knew anything about it until the 2 [indecipherable] divulged it. It came as a thunder clap – everybody is dissatisfied – great uncertainty. On Sept 2 the first 14 of the West Ad: Volunteers were sworn in by Capt Biggs, at my house. What awaits our co? Death – honor, glory or tomfoolery? – at any rate we’ll learn the goose step – & manage to shoot our neighbour. Sept 11 The Machine! [indecipherable] the thick heads – 4 weeks have they been trying to fit 2 wheels - & they can’t. I am really cranky about it. This is no skill - & I have no tools – yet what thing under the heavens, simpler than my machine?

Sept 12 Last night first regular drill – 21 present – after which a meeting – within this company unanimously elected Dr Mayo - Captain & W.A. Cawthorne Lieutenant – mn & so on. Sept 13 – Yesterday Alfred Groser Died – after a painful & lingering illness – Oh! God how soon shall we all be there. Tonight at my machine again – got a private

[Page 312]

1st Drill – "I, the Volunteer"

workman now. Hang it, what difficulties lie hid in a machine – it has this form now – [drawing of machine]
I have every confidence in it – & the last improvement is admirable – I am now trying to get "water tight valves as difficult as perpetual motion itself.

Sept 24. Another experiment, another failure – but at it again – Dr Mayo (Capt, & self go every morning at the Park lands near the old Frame Bridge – to drill – our Squad consists of - Morphett – Kingston - Goyden – Wigly Blundell – Brown – Clark – Mayo & self. Drill Sergeant Hunt – We hope to have our rifles next week. But Major Nelson is a Disagreeable fellow & so I wrote the following & circulated it among the Volunteers – It caused a great sensation

[Page 313]

[Duplicate page]

[Page 314]

[repeat of top half 312]
[newspaper cutting entitled "I, the Volunteer by C of the Awkward Squad]

[Page 315]

Arrival of Father & Mother – Compt Exms Gazetted Lieutenant

Sept 28 – A few days ago, much to my surprise, Mother & Father stopped in from the Isd. Mother but middling – Sept 30 – Father sails tomorrow – Oct 2 – Father sailed today in the "Blanche" – Sent my valves back again to be altered – getting nearer & nearer – but like a certain curve in Geometry I suppose it will never meet – The Valve is – [drawing] My School very middling – the Governor’s plan for Compt Exms highly disliked – in fact – perfectly unsuited for the wants of the colony. It will turn out a failure.

[small newspaper cutting from The Government Gazette, October 6]

Right Margin - Another time – Nearer Nearer. I have succeeded in another step of my machine. The Valves act with greater certainty & I have at last hit upon the right form of the weights – no less than India rubber balls hollow & then filled with water - great has been my trouble & great will be my reward. - But stop my chickens are not hatched yet! Next week I shall have finished my drill – go firing Saturday

[Page 316]

Farther Farther! Eureka – 9.75ft – crack squad of the colony

Farther! Farther! When I hit upon the form of the machine – now all night said I – when I found out the important auxiliary stop cock – now all night said I - when I got my valves to act - now on its own! When I got the weights of the proper sort – ready said I – when I got the endless band & pin hole to act together, hurrah! Said I – but alas! Not done yet – another difficulty met me, & almost a smasher - The displacement of water is equal to the weights – i.e. the great law of mechanics – action & reaction, the one equals the other! This is a profound fix – how is it to be overcome – it’s a law of nature, my machine is contrary to nature? ergo an impossibility. - I am sick & weary - & low spirited – Days & nights have I been thinking of it – I can’t rest.
Oct 19 – Nearer Nearer! Eureka! Plunge a bulk into the machine – equal to the weights & [indecipherable] it out – when the weights go in! – That’s it!
Oct 29 – First firing yesterday – our Squad at 150 & 200yds - averaged higher than any set of men since the Vol. movement began – 9.75 points & I beat them all at the first 5 rounds – scoring 8 – quite a feather in our cap – among the Squad were – Morphett (I.) – RR Torrens, O’ Halloran Junr Mayo &c - Capt Biggs the Adjutant – very proud of us. I opened & led off with a centre which I successfully triplicated. I have completed my morning drill.

[Page 317]

[Newspaper cutting of poem: Thoughts on being told off for firing (first time). By "C" of the Awkward squad]

Nov 5 A new idea – apply a Diving Bell to the Machine – it meets my difficulty - tried it- & an extraordinary result occurred - which may tend to simplify the whole affair & make me return to the Water Mill wheel – Ah! if it be true the form will be something like this. [small sketch]

Nov 12 Oh Machine! Machine! Machine! Thou art the trouble of my life – the burden of my dreams – the theme of my thoughts my "always thinking" The Diving Bell is good but ah - bother buts! but it requires a shifting valve! I have abandoned it – come back to the old thing – with another modification – make the waste leakage turn a water wheel, which again is to pump up its own water i.e. the leakage - Now set to work & make a water wheel, out of cork & hairpins. Another time – I am told a small lifting pump will do all I want – try a pump. Therefore – oh dear me.

[Page 318]

Narrow escape of being shot! 35th Birthday – the 1st cradle Self & the last [small illustrations]

Friday Nov 18/56 – a Red letter day – rather black letter today – this afternoon about 6 - while marching at the Butt – with this danger flag in my hand – - Smythe – in direct disregard of this command - "order arms cease firing" fired his rifle - & the ball passed by my body a few inches as I glanced round – the smoke was just clearing off & the fellow at the kneeling position – quite comfortable - regular fuss – it broke up the squad – quite the town talk. – how nearly fulfilling my own prophecy. Te deum laudamus…
Nov 23 1959 Morphett Street, Adelaide SA. Number 35 of my years of Gazing at the Sun & stars & asking why am I here? Why? ah! Why for, & against all things. God knows this is a sincere scepticism – I have no aim, or ends, answer, I wish to know the truth. I wish to know the way, wish to know the life – Oh! mystery of mysteries, that man should live I think & not be answered. - Oh, blessed Roman papist - that can believe in transubstantiation! - Oh happy Wesleyan – that can date the time & minute of your conversion – unhappy wretch that I am! Oh God forsaken & hell deserving mortal where shall I flee to? When I see heathen martyrs – what becomes of truth. When I see heathen pietists what becomes of devotion.-

[Page 319]

Birth-Day number 35

When I see religion, with all its circle of golden truth amiability & the 7 virtues - irrespective of the Christian religion – what difference is there between this Rn & that? Except this opinion of Religion. Is there virtue in this human heart? No – says the Religious - yes says the philosopher – what says the bible I think, the same as the latter. To think to inquire - to reason – in the opinion of many is to doubt – to materialize & to be Damned. What nonsense! To do so - does not imply "malice aforethought." The Unitarians have done this to its fullest extent & the Germans – a few million degrees beyond - I prefer the attitude - of humble supplication –
At 35 - a man ought to begin to make up his mind – but suppose he cannot find the clue? All present learning & knowledge depend upon opinion. Where is the miracle? that settles this or that man’s views – on the correct, the orthodox. Are we to follow tradition - Is tradition to save us – I must either follow A’s opinion or doubt - but A - may be wrong – then virtually to follow wrong, is to be saved? Or virtually to ignore his opinion to be damned? – odd conclusions either way. - If it be better to follow doubtful opinions – truthfully – than none at all – than conscientiously to seek for truth – then let us toss up – heads or tails – Catholic – protestant – Unitarian or Ranter Swedenborgian or Quaker. If one act sends us to hell – why not one good deed to heaven? I want truth – & give me truth – having that – I would revolutionize the world.

[Page 320]

35th Mile Stone

Hot, very hot – Th 104° in shade – no rain this year – crops bad – everything crying out water, this is a Dreadful country for water – nothing but salt water. But as to my position at my 35 pinnacle amidst the mountains of life?

- Have invented or discovered a new motive power & nearly finished the machine
- Have organized a volunteer company & been appointed Lieut
- Have lost a good deal of money during the year,
from one rascal or the other
- Have published a book, No 2
- Have sinned much & repented little
- Have nearly been shot
- Have had my numbers in school reduced
- Have made ends meet – & thats all
- Have been pretty well in health
- Have been dissatisfied with myself always
- Have chafed & worried at my position
- Have thought life not worth a straw
- Have thought Epicurus to be a sound philosopher
- Have tried to reconcile reason with faith
- Have thought civilization a curse unless you have
a £ 1000 a year
- Have thought the highest state of man to be in a
library ditto a
gun, a horse & a boat
- Have wished to proclaim the [indecipherable] but
- ah! upon what ground
- Have learnt little – yet how great my desires?
- Have had deep fits of despondency & so
enervate me (and short illness)

[Page 321]

Half-way –35th mile

- Have smoked 1 1/3 cigars
- Have drunk 6 wineglass of Port, 1 nibbler of
brandy – probably 2 bottles of colonial wine
(vinegar)
- Have been only able to afford 2 shirts a week yet
- Have thought with ardour, learnt with languor
and prayed with vigour

In my worldly prospects, if I am no better, I am not the least in the rear – I have heavy responsibilities – 1 wife, 3 children, self – 1 to 2 servants – wear & tear of house & clothes & school premises.
This leaf finishes the book 10 years have elapsed – Much has happened in that time! I am richer, that’s true but am I better? I have looked into the grave – I have been to the Diggings – I have lost money – I have spent 10yrs in teaching – 10 yrs of drudgery – I have children & wife ½ doz cedar chairs – a piano, an Enfield Rifle – a wretched bad library – a lot of shells - minerals & fossils – published a couple of pamphlets – got praised & abused. I have yet failed to find out what use is my life? One ought to live for something - for some point or object? But if I die next year, what is the record? He left enough to pay his debts & a small sum in hand for his wife? Couldn’t anybody else have done this, as well as I? And I spared the risk of salvation or Damnation – but the leaf is ended & so must my moralizing, or skepticising, & dissatisfactionizing.
I must only live and long.
What is in reserve for me, I know not. It becomes a philosopher to meet all things with the same face – adieu!

Right margin: A good philosopher for some [indecipherable]
Here lies one who’ll soon be rotten
Who lived to beget & died to be forgotten ]
(small illustration)
[Some numbers, plus figures for walls, roof &ceiling, floor, door, horse, Tea [indecipherable] Tea Tea.

[Page 322]

Register. 1855

[Article titled: "Adelaide Philosophical Society." Note correcting newspaper text – my sketches paper wrong]

Longer note in left margin:

O! for a cave to live in – an observatory to watch the stars, a yacht to sail whither my spirit lists – a gun to hunt – and a horse to wander about.

O! In a library – for the knowledge of all languages – for painters - & the power of painting – not coloring – O! for the best & highest of all things -

[Page 323]

(Newspaper article from May 9, 1855)
"Church of England – Vestry Meetings"

[Page 324]

Article January 13,1858

"Journal of a Trip to Kangaroo Island"

[Page 325]

[Various newspaper extracts.]

"Public and legal notices"

[Page 326]

Jany 13 – 1853. –

[Sketches, sums and newspaper extracts.]

[Page 327]

Wants for Shipboard – I go in the steerage -

1 a lamp - & oil
2 pens ink & paper. – pencils & knife
3 a Diary book
4 India Rubber – paints & brushes –
5 Desk – wafers & sealing wax
6 Ginger bread. – Cheese - 6 cigars –
7 Chess board & chess
8 pistols – powder & shot –
9 Bell
All my Sketches – scraps of poetry – Corrobban – Burra &c
Get from Moorhouse notes &c & his paper upon the Native language.
Take Westgarth’s Bk

List on the right-hand side of the page.)

Journal of the Diggings –
A Geography
A Sketch of the natives.
Ditto ditto of the colony –

[Page 328]

(Various sums)

Man has the power to adopt himself to all circumstances - he can make himself happy under all circumstances – but he has the power – also of making himself miserable under all circumstances. –

It is difficult to speak of one’s self – without making a mistake.

[Page 329]

[indecipherable] young Brown, who was murdered by the natives in the North - Sept 1852

(Small sketch in margin)

Darkly by the water hole lying
The whiteman’s child is dying
The savage close by prying eying

My mother! he faintly cries
As he gazes at his dripping life blood
While giving his life blood the man dyes
My Mother! feebly echoes - *dies alone!
With cunning deep & subtle wile
The black stalked; for many a mile
And slew him, when he thought no guile alas!

Ah! youth in the flower of your life – 23 years
In the soils of the [indecipherable] south
Guides your mortal strife ere life before dawn
They [indecipherable]

So good, so kind so mild –
Devoted and A loving & devoted child.
When can we be reconciled – To thy sad end

Blessed are the dead who die
With faith engraved in the sky
In the Lord – sealed in the sky
are they – thus severed earthly tie for immortality
life’s
By thy filmy eye
By thy hopeless cry
By Nature’s agony
We mourn thee

[Page 330]

miles of uninterrupted dust clouds not invisible dust – but good – heavy – palpable solid cakey dust – a couple of miles in height – many miles in breadth - & as long as you like
The unenviable notoriety it has for ’jolting’ capsizing carts - & other minor evils arose first from the its rutty state - & this again from the constant traffic - & scanty repairs & secondly the rapid rate of driving – i.e. colonially speaking – the jerks therefore in these ruts & holes – where [indecipherable] tall & never noticed.
Than elsewhere – for to compare it with other roads – it would stand A.I. directly – as for instance with the Mt Barker Road – 25 miles of rugged mountain road – or the South road – intersected with Bay of biscay land – sand tracts bogs & swamp – or the North road with its ugly creeks to cross
a finer road than the Port road and a country-commercial road – does not exist in the United Kingdom – it is a dead level – a splendid breadth – 2 chains a firm bottom well drained - & without a bend or break. -

[Page 331]

Port itself is a second Holland the water being kept out by dykes embankment - & oft have the church going people been compelled – to get themselves rowed back to their houses from church – when has more than ordinarily [indecipherable] risen – the strong ripple of the current tide as it sweeps through the piles of the edifice forming a curious accompaniment to the service above – but [indecipherable] bestows gives a charm & use is second nature it is only new comers – that notice these trifles – The Australian company have with the vast outlay of - & the annual expense of repairs – made this admirable road – which is over the mile in length - & upon the bosom of what once was - & [indecipherable] the immediate neighbourhood can been testimony – a fearful swamp above which it is the level of which it is several feet – fenced on each side – somewhat narrow for its traffic - & well mettled & kept well in repairs – The remainder of the road is hard though dreadfully dusty - & in winter as dreadfully muddy – up to 1851 - none or very little & then only in patches where were the repairs on this great line of traffic – the consequence was those errors to the [indecipherable] colonists – the tried old roadsters who could boast of having ridden up & down gullies – sidelings – Bay of biscay land – splitting across the country – mountain ranges – swamps rocks &c the a ride on the Port Road was not a contemplated trial of their patience or their bones - with the additions add to this

[Page 332]

Ed. Mems

The "Student" 200 page 300 Ed. Rev:

carts crammed with the gentlemen & the "rough un" mingle together - clouds of dust boisterous salutations - cracks of whips & off they go – each of in its own whirlwind of dust – perfectly invisible for a considerable distance – the new lot – laugh & sneeze as they survey the misty scene – puzzled when asked to have a nobbler – a spider a [indecipherable] or shandigaff – but still partake - & ere they have proceeded far find that "spiders" bite hard – a [indecipherable] tickles the brains too much – now arm in arm – without coals – that's slightly cooked on one side – fragments of the last London songs – our band precedes arrivals with a steady but somewhat irregular step. - It is about twelve – the sun scalds their very skin & they complain - but see! A beautiful pool of water is before them – placid & unruffled - & the whole atmosphere dances in singular undulations – houses disappear & reappear - a sort of magic lantern effect is all around them – - they rush to its deceitful banks – but lo! it has vanished – no – it is a mile ahead – on they go – alas! It is gone – they look behind it is there – there with the heavens & the trees reflected – wherever they gaze – while lakes of water lie with transcendent beauty. - The drayman chuckles

[Page 333]

German party – sighting first river –

& bids them cease their vain endeavours It is the mirage. – fatigued & wearied – they sit down & take a rest – but saw none other than a cloud of locusts – rise & whizzing about their ears & feet & settling on every part of the body they are right glad – to run as fast as they can - & be away from such a dangerous spot – The hills now become more prominent – the town appears with its brick buildings - & speculations are rife as to the mode manner style - & distribution of the scattered mass With some surprise with others disappointment follow - & they cease not to wonder where the far further river Torrens intercepts their path – which in summer is a small streamlet with ample banks – in winter the rainy season – a roaring torrent – amidst the novelty of water carts – droves of oxen – sheep horses - & a horde or so of natives they cross the stream - & are soon in the main street Hindly Street – where opposite the oldest Hotel – the Royal Admiral – our next band of emigrants are glad to take comfortable shelter & collect their scattered senses –
The Port Road until a comparative recent period – was open on either side i.e. without fences – it is a dead level all the way & offering no single obstruction to either Railway or canal – from Adelaide to Albert Town which latter is within a mile from the Port & just at the extremity of the Port [indecipherable] swamps now rapidly being covered with houses – mostly of wood & built on piles as is nearly all of the Port – The

[Page 334]

Many an emigrant has walked upon that road with a palpitating heart – it has throbbed as it has viewed the distant hills – it has despaired as the overpowering effects of a hot & dusty day - prognosticated – a heavy trial of the constitution - it has been elevated as the corn has waved its well laden ears from many a fine section – it has sickened as the apparently miserable huts & cottages have started to view – it has been amazed when contemplating the rapid progress of a few years – it has chilled with a feeling of fear as it gazed upon the savage aspect of a native – with whom it may soon be his lot to meet in the distant outstation – it has warmed with the open free unreserved manners of the colonists – though it has all but despaired at the numerous privations of colonial life.
Troops & troops of emigrants may be seen strolling leisurely to the centre of all their hopes & fears – Adelaide – before them proceed a well laden 2 horse dray – piled up with things & here & there dotted with a child a woman &c – while behind follow a set of shipmates brought together from all pts of England – but some temporarily united in a strange land – wandering admiring puzzling – & laughing at colonial paradoxes & unintelligible weird phenomena. The sun is middling high – It is turning the windmill. have just bid goodbye to [indecipherable] & with light hearts are hastening after their dray – it is warm – jackets are thrown off – a ceaseless wandering of the

[Page 335]

eyes – occasionally they take off their hats & wave them in triumph or pursue a gaudy butterfly on the roadside – patches of song enliven the way & boneyard spirits seem to predominate – but ere long a sandy patch makes them heave many a heavy interjection – they toil on – the sun pierces them with its vivid heat – their tone is lowered - & the most bitter feelings are vented as the newly arrived emigrant labours through the sand. But this is passed - & laugh & joke resumes their sway – a flight of parrots in quick & rapid flight screams over their heads to some distant "belt" - & the cockney spokesman – is ready to annihilate any "blue mountain" – "shell" parrots daring cockatoo that dare shew himself is his unerring aim. Two or three poor "larks" get unmercifully peppered - & they stop across the road – but generally speaking the [indecipherable] road birds, are not very frightened of new Em! The tam o shanter belt is now reached – the "Halfway" haven is entered - The dray draws up at the door - voluminous questions are poured forth for our young arrivals – the heat is commented upon – "Is it even hotter than this" – enquire the anxious - When what is that singular coats & waistcoats are thrown aside - indulgen copious drafts of water – exclamations of fatigue - as if good humoured banter follows – outside is all animation, drays loaded with [indecipherable] & [indecipherable] rough looking bushmen on horseback with belts & stockwhips – Kangaroo dogs – ½ doz natives, 2 or 3 [indecipherable]

[Page 336]

[newspaper cutting from the Government Gazette April 16, 1852]

[Page 337]

Duplicate of 334

[Page 338]

Duplicate of 336]

[Page 339]

Christian Religion

Religion is only a higher science. The same objections & obstructions that occur in the reception of the one occurs in the reception of the other. In the former they are called – sin – unbelief – wilfulness – hardness of heart - &c &c &c in the latter – ignorance – inability to appreciate - too much in advance for their hearers – too abstruse. -

The difference is - that the rejection of the one is only an offence by against man. – in the others against God. - & that a temporal advancement is pitted against an eternal inheritance. The doctrine of free will & election are perfectly consistent – the former active, the latter passive. -

Variety of opinion is but the universal expression exposition of the universal mind - all opinion is but one exposition of humanity upon religion – they are all parts of truth – all eyes do not see the same things even when contemplating one object but the diversities of what is seen must not be construed as absolute non existent.

The maintainer therefore of opinion is the fight for mastery – this is the condition of life - mortality's
other. In the
heirloom – to make mankind to receive one opinion is to educate man to view all matters in that one light – it can be accomplished but 70yrs are too short – here we find what are now school boy truths

[Page 340]

now - have required centuries to mature to be universally recd – If one man insist you are [indecipherable] even though it be imperfect he'll carry it - force will conquer. The strongest whether in physical or mental condition carried the day – To tolerate all opinion is the surest way to (ultimately) maintain one. A 1000yrs has not settled infallibility – the true church. The characteristics of a true religion - whether the priest can forgive sins or not – & why - because they have been persecuting the former with God – the latter in the Day of Judgement -. Truth is a line – there is an end and a beginning – we may hold parts of the same but not the whole – The Quaker & the Catholic are extremes the antipodes of the human mind – arguing from the same premises – hence both right, both hold parts of the line – yet both fight as having the whole line – nobody else a single strand – a piece – we see through a glass darkly – yet maintain we are looking at things through transparencies.
As long as man can only bring his authority for this or that view - & cannot appeal to a higher source – it amounts to nothing - absolute truth does not belong to this world or life –full mind is not here, only partial truth – no more than absolutes are – perfect vision – or infinite power. & perhaps this is right for if it were so - we should not want Religion – the only rule for human conduct is – must be expediency – that is – Is it not better to adopt that course of action – that produces the highest amount of good and let statistics prove which nations have most money – food – clothes - & less murder – theft & immorality.

[Page 341]

I
The New Year

Another year O! Lord is flown
Another year again begun
Another year of guilt & sin
Mercies lost, & unrepented in –
II
Can we look to thee, & feel no shame?
Confess they love? Repeat thy Name
An draw nigh with simplicity
And claim a fellowship with Thee.
III
O Lamb of God to thee we fly
To Thee direct our wand’ring eye
Guide our feet & our hearts maintain
Snatch us – a brand from burning flame.
IV
Shall Jesus speak, & I not hear,
Shall Jesus weep, & I not care
And shall he teach, & I not learn
Shall He love, & I not burn
V
To my Soul is thine, thine alone
Take it to its heaven born home
Seal it with they blood for ever
Fix'd for aye twill never sever

[Page 342]

VI
*"Tooth for a tooth"! by Gad, I’ll rise
And seize the pound of flesh on a nobbler afresh
**Treacle & salt! I’ll bury both eyes.
Hurra for Johnny S.
& shout the pound of flesh
or

* up to snuff in dealing
** Like our man of feeling –
Nature’s infinity
Heaven’s sublimity
In fullness meeting
Around the bushmen sleeping
In such sleep sleeping
Our senses gently stealing

[jottings of numbers, short newspaper cutting,]

[Page 343]

[small sketch of a machine]

[Page 344]

Soliloquy of a Printing Press on a change of fortune
On the night of the 3rd inst
I
"O ye Gods! & little fishes!
Sighed a Monster great
In the room of Bentham Neales's
See my state
II
Who'd have thought it iron frame like mine
Dissected, piecemeal lying
Vox populi & unerring chine
Would be "up" "Who's buying?"
III
A printing Press! Who, press so hard?
Ne'er in libel dealing
Now on the news we have them tarr’d
Then, a little "pealing"
IV
"Wine" in my [indecipherable] at once I look
Her [indecipherable] nothing caring,
I squeez'd 'em flat, they found a look,
& hear'd me – from "clue to earing"
V
The shares & scrip, now I'm polled
A "grocer" insult ne'er
On sinless type – for being "swapped"
Was done within God's fear"

[Page 345]

Duplicate of 342 with, added in lower half:

To The Editor of the "Argus"

Sir/ - Is the following worth insertion – it is at your service - & if inserted will much oblige – Yours &c W.A.C.

[Various scribblings]

[Transcribed by John Stephenson, Margaret Broadfoot, Alison O'Sullivan, Allanah Jarman for the State Library of New South Wales]